Music Appreciation

Music is the universal language of mankind.- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I enjoy driving my kids to school in the mornings, it is an opportune time to chat and catch up on their lives and then wish them well on their upcoming day. Usually I have the three high-schoolers with me in the Jeep, and while we share some of the same musical tastes, for the most part they listen to more modern music than I do. Here I am using the term “music” very loosely, at least when compared to my usual definition of the word.
This brings me to my central thought for the week. For most of us, music is a window to remember thoughts and feelings we were experiencing the first time we heard a particular song or piece of music. For example, the reason I still listen to Elvis on occasion is his music reminds me of good times with my mother, as she and I would watch Elvis movies; I love the Beach Boys because of the feeling of sun, beach fun and youthful exuberance their tunes represented. Oliver Wendell Holmes suggested, “Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body.”
I read a survey recently that showed when people have a celebration or tragedy; they want to hear traditional church hymns at a funeral for example, even if they normally attend a more contemporary service or do not attend church regularly. During the Christmas season we sing carols and at New Year’s Eve celebrations we still sing “Auld Lang Syne” even though few of us even know what a “Lang” is anymore. The afore-mentioned study, proposed the reason people are comforted by those songs is largely the memories they have of family and closeness in times of celebration or tragedy.
This brings me back around to our morning rides to school when I’m tortured by my kids’ musical tastes. I have come to realize they, like me, listen to what they do because of the memories they created and friends they were with when they heard these songs in the same way I did years ago. I also recognize that music has a generational identity to it, my personal guess is societal, and political pressures, influence these choices. If I hear something in the music I find objectionable such as lyric content, we can and usually do, have a conversation about what affect and effect the music has on them.
The bottom line is each of us as parents can choose to listen to the music our kids listen to with an open mind, or to discount their musical choices as “not really music.” When we do that, we run the risk of discounting the feelings and memories that make the music “music” in the first place. While I still have to steel myself on occasion when they insist on listening to a band that evidently received their instruments via mail order a few weeks ago, I still listen intently and try to ask intelligent questions about what message the band is trying to say and use that for fodder to spur conversation about their lives.
I must admit that while “Foo” is always something to fight against, I do hope those poor five guys who have been marooned for several years now are rescued soon.

Family Traditions

Last week I wrote about one particular family tradition that I hope all families will take advantage of, that of parent and child outings that we call Daddy/ Daughter, or Mom/Son dates. These “dates” are a fantastic tradition that allows a parent some quality one on one time with each of their children and eventually your kids will carry on this tradition when they have children of their own.
This week I want to talk about other traditions you can do as a family. Some of these traditions you probably already do or you have some other traditions you have started as a family. Keep doing them! Your traditions can and should be as special as your family is and reflect your family’s individuality. Many family professionals agree that most strong families have strong family traditions and these traditions reflect family interactions within the family unit, extended family, and the community at large.
Family traditions also provide a backdrop for good time and pleasant memories that the family puts in an “emotional back account” to be drawn on during hard times. This emotional bank account pays dividends twice: once when the deposit is made during the family activity or the acting out of the tradition as family connections are formed and deepened; then again during emotionally trying times as family connections are tested and strengthened. You might ask, “I agree family traditions are important, how do we develop them in our own family?” I am glad you asked.
Perhaps the easiest and most common family tradition is sharing a meal together. For most of us this is the evening meal, but for other families it can be breakfast. I have written about this tradition before so rather than review it again I will just suggest that you spend whatever energy you have to as a family to make this one happen. If you ask everyone to be prepared to discuss his or her day and perhaps something they are thankful for, this can be a very valuable tradition.
Most families celebrate birthdays, but have you ever thought of halfway celebrating half-birthdays? At the six-month mark for a family member’s birthday you make a half cake, buy (or make) a small gift, for half a day treat the honoree with special treatment and maybe sing half of “Happy Birthday”.
Here in the great Northwest, where we have a veritable cornucopia of outdoor activities available year round, start the tradition of “family activity day” so each Sunday (maybe after church), a different person in the family picks an activity to do together. It can be as elaborate as skiing or rock climbing, or as simple as a nature hike in a local patch of woods.
Speaking of church, as I mentioned several articles ago I do not intend to promote one religion over another or religion at all for that matter, however marriages and families that go to church more than once a month together are far more likely to be healthy than those that do not.
In keeping with this line of thought, may I suggest volunteering as a family for a cause everyone in the family agrees is important, such as feeding the homeless, working at the humane society or anyone of a hundred worthy causes around town that need the help. You will likely become closer working together and spending time together, and you may be more appreciative of your own family if you experience people who are not as lucky as you are, to have a wonderful, loving, family to love and rely on.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

A Different Kind Of Date

Last Saturday I was at the Doughnut House on Government Way, eating a doughnut and drinking chocolate milk that had been cut with some white milk (because chocolate milk straight out of the carton makes me flop on the floor in a chocolate induced fit). My wife shakes her head sadly at me for not being able to handle what we call “girl chocolate milk”; my “watered down” version is euphemistically referred to as “boy chocolate milk”. However, I digress; back to my doughnut.
As I took my last bite of sweetened, fried dough I noticed a little girl strut through the door with her dad. I very purposely use the word “strut” because I don’t know of another word that could describe the vivacity and panache she exuded with each little step. She was blonde haired and blue eyed, about two years old. She was wearing pink princess shoes and little sunglasses that very coolly covered those pretty blue eyes. In fourteen or fifteen years, she will only be missing the convertible with the top down to stop half the clocks in Kootenai County. She only stood two foot nothing but I couldn’t help but wonder how God managed to stuff six feet worth of attitude in someone only two feet tall.
Here is a young lady that knew what she wanted, and while polite, very matter-of-factly told her Dad what she wanted. After getting her doughnut and milk, she took her Dad to an empty table, climbed in to a chair and talked to her Dad about all kinds of things. I couldn’t get all of what she said, largely because my wife and daughters kept telling me and each other how cute she was. “Of course she is cute”, was all I could think, the angels themselves must have fought over who got to deliver her to her parents.
I do not know where Mom was; hopefully, she was at home enjoying a little uninterrupted sleep. The important part was that dad and daughter were having a fine time. I am sure she is too young to remember the day, but I am praying her Dad won’t forget it. If he reads this, “Dad keep it up”; for the rest of us with kids, we should try at least once a month to have a “date” with our kids. Just one of us and one of them, doing dang near anything, where we can open our ears and let them tell us what they need to talk about; then we gently pass on whatever bits of wisdom we have acquired through a life of trial and error.
I am passing this along because my own daughters remind me all the time of past “Daddy-Daughter dates” and let me know when it’s been too long since the last one. They are old enough now that I can already see that they will cherish those times far into adulthood. Moms, I don’t mean to leave you out, dates with your children are just as important and fulfilling to each of you.
A last bit of advice to the Dad we saw last Saturday, “I hope you have a bottle of that hair dye for men and clean your shotgun often; she is going to be a heartbreaker and you are going to need both!”
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

More Internet Safety

Last week when I wrote about networking sites, a number of readers asked me to write on how to check your child’s email and networking sites.
· It is fairly easy for your child, or anyone else to have an email account you know nothing about; so as I pointed out last week, getting your child’s buy-in to the rules of computer use is a powerful tool. I urge you to resist the temptation to not allow computer use for a number of reasons, not least of which is the importance of using computers in modern education.
· Make sure you have a list of ALL the usernames and passwords of all the sites your child frequents. Check these sites often, to include checking the email they receive if you believe there is reason to do so.
· Consider starting your own page on any networking site of which your child wishes to become a member. Ensure they make you “a friend” on their page. This allows you to see whatever the internet public can see so you can keep tabs on them. You may connect with old friends or classmates yourself and it might also make you seem “cool” to your child, but don’t hold your breath.
· MySpace, for example, will remove a child’s page if the parent asks them to, however you must know the web address or the web ID number. You can do a by name search if your teen can’t/won’t help you.
· Ensure that your child knows how to “block” any MySpace/Yahoo/Facebook user that might harass or post inappropriate comments or email. Report any such activity to the provider of those services. Email and social network providers all take such activity very seriously and will respond to your concerns promptly.
· Check the web pages your child frequents by looking at the “history” in your web browser. Web browsers are programs such as Internet Explorer, Firefox and Safari. Again, if you find this difficult to figure out, your child or grandchild can help you the first few times.
The internet is an incredible information-sharing tool, but like most tools, the internet can be used to do great harm. Ignoring this tool in the information age is not a successful strategy for a child’s long-term success, as almost every job and function in society is tied to many others and they all have to share information. Children have to learn to negotiate the world they live in now, not the one their parents or grandparents were raised in and more to the point must prepare for their own future.
I believe a healthy dose of caution is always a good thing for a parent; however abject, unreasoned fear is as bad as a lack of caution. Children need parents to get up to speed on these issues and stay out front because the ability to share information quicker is only going to get more important in society and technology is only going to be more integrated into our lives.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Social Networking Sites

Since beginning this column over a year ago, I have been fortunate enough to have several people per week talk to me about the topics I write about in a very complementary manner, but supportive or not, I always ask them provide feedback or suggest topics that would be helpful to them in their relationships. I appreciate every comment, positive or not. This week I talked to two sets of parents who wanted some suggestions on the networking sites such as MySpace, Facebook, and several others that have become so popular with teenagers and young adults.
These sites have become part middle/high school yearbook, part high tech pen pal, part continuation of the social aspect of the school day, and even a place for classmates to keep up with each other or rediscover each other after years apart. Participants can leave messages to friends, in private or in a public forum, and even post pictures and video. A person’s profile page can contain pictures, a general map showing where in the US the person lives, all the places they have travelled, their interests, hobbies, jobs and just about anything else you can imagine.
Employers, scholarship committees, universities, internships, even the Armed Services routinely look at an applicant’s page. This brings me to my first piece of advice, and it applies to everyone on networking sites: Do NOT post anything you wouldn’t proudly tell ANYONE in your life: grandma, your boss, your pastor/priest, or a perfect stranger. When you post to these sites, that post is on the Internet forever and everyone on the planet can view them. Along with this, check to see what your friends are posting about you and ask them to follow the “Grandma” rule when posting about you. Ok, adults you are now on your own.
I am lucky enough to be married to a technology teacher, so parents here are some things Dawn and I have learned with four kids with MySpace and Facebook pages.

• Have an “open door policy.” Either the computer is in a public place like the living room; or if they have their own computer, the bedroom door is open if they are on the computer.
• You should know the passwords to every email account and networking site they are on. Write them down and check them often. You may want to provide your child fair warning before logging in the first time, but let them know after the first time surprise inspections are the rule.
• Check your kid’s pages often. If you are uneasy about reading a diary or going into their room uninvited, these pages are not the same- they are public knowledge. For what it is worth, my wife and I hold no such squeamishness.
• Remind them often that the cute teenage boy/girl that is emailing or messaging them may be neither a boy/girl nor a teenager.
• Finding something objectionable should not be a “gotcha” moment. It should be an opportunity for a discussion about the rules, and why the rules are what they are. As with all household rules, try as much as possible to negotiate and get your child’s “buy in” to the rules.

At the end of the day, YOU are the parent. You provided the computer, the internet access, the electricity and the place the computer sits. You are also responsible to keep your child safe and to protect their future until they decide their own path. These networking sites do not have to be a bad thing, so don’t fear them. They can be another tool for you the parent to have window in the life of your teenager, make good use of it.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

“Healthy Divorce”

Two weeks ago, I provided places where you could find help for a troubled marriage and I very much hope that if your marriage had too many of the symptoms I wrote of the first week of this series, then you used those resources to avoid needing the information in this column. A healthy marriage is far preferable to a healthy divorce no matter how “good,” so I urge you in the strongest of terms to keep your marriage strong. In the interest of honesty among friends, I was divorced about eight years ago and I remarried about five years ago. The divorce, while unwanted by me, was a healthy one. Michelle and I have stayed friends over the years, I am certain our kids are much healthier and well adjusted, and I think my marriage to Dawn has benefitted from the self-reflection and growth the divorce spawned.
A healthy divorce requires a lot of work to make happen as well as a maturity and deep desire to have a healthy divorce. You should be highly motivated to achieve a healthy divorce because as the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University shows, children from divorced homes have a much higher chance of divorce themselves and suffering into adulthood with all of the social problems we as parents try to help them avoid. Many of these problems are exacerbated in a very hostile, unhealthy divorce.
Divorcesource.com notes a number of other benefits to achieving a healthy divorce:
· You will alleviate and ease tensions and conflict.
· You will possess a far greater opportunity regarding compliance with the terms of your agreement.
· You will save thousands of dollars in legal expenses.
There are now three ways to divorce: the old adversarial process of each side getting lawyers and inflicting as much damage to each other as possible, mediation, and collaboration. The collaborative divorce is becoming much more common as couples realize the benefit to the entire family. Locally, Angela Marshall with the Marshall Law Office is an Idaho Supreme Court Approved mediator and she reports, “Couples can save up to 75 percent of their legal costs by using mediation. Attorneys in the area routinely charge a 3,000-dollar retainer for each party just to get started. Where mediation typically runs 1,000-1500 dollars. What’s more, mediation is usually more successful in getting both parties to abide by the agreements they make as opposed to the courts trying to compel behavior.”
While there are a number of books and internet sources that outline in detail how to have a healthy divorce, you and your spouse should give serious consideration to a marriage and family therapist to guide you through the process. Counseling is very helpful to move the entire family into the new paradigm post divorce. Children, if any, need to see their parents being civil to each other at all times, and parents should do whatever it takes to relieve the children of any guilt they may have over the divorce. Counseling has benefits to the couple as well, both healing in the current relationship and preparing for relationships in the future.
The best possible answer to this age-old question is to be a highly functioning person who finds and marries a highly functioning person, and then as a couple do the hard work and preventative maintenance of the relationship to keep the relationship healthy. The next best answer is to find a qualified marriage family therapist at the first sign of trouble to get the relationship back on an even keel. Failing these two best options, at a minimum, you owe it to yourself and any children from the relationship, to end your marriage with compassion, dignity, grace, and emotional health.

Teen Dating Violence

This week I was supposed to cover how to have as healthy a divorce as possible, and I promise I will do that next week. As so often happens in my life, I find more pressing matters sometimes preempt my best-laid plans. Such is the case this week.
My friend Camie Wereley, from the CDA Women’s Center, and I were talking this week about the teen dating violence awareness workshop I attended a couple of weeks ago, and she informed me this first week of February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week. Because I have four teenagers, two boys and two girls, I get to enjoy four helpings of the angst every parent is served when their teenager begins to date, and so this topic holds particular concern for me. It should hold general concern for all of us as we guide our teenagers through learning to be in relationship with each other. For those of you from the “Show Me” state, and anyone else that is skeptical this is a problem. . .
The following statistics are from the Bureau of Justice in May 2000:
Thirty to fifty percent of high school students report having already experienced some form of teen dating violence.
One in three either have been or will be in an abusive relationship.
Young women (16-24) experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence- almost 20/1000
38% of “date rape” victims are 14-17 years old and 68% of women raped knew their rapist as a boyfriend, friend or acquaintance.
While boys can be abuse victims, usually it is not with physical violence but controlling behavior such as constant texting or calling and threatening to harm herself if he ends the relationship.
There are other statistics showing how wide spread the problem is, my hope is you are asking yourself what you can do about it. If you are a teen and experiencing dating violence then tell someone you trust and get help. Telling your parents is a great place to start; they want to help. However, if you can’t tell them, call Project Safe Place 208-676- 0772 and the Women’s Center has a 24 hr Crisis Intervention Line 208-664-9303.
If you are a parent, modeling good relationship behaviors is the place to start. Dad, your kids see how you treat your wife, or partner, in the case of divorced homes. Girls from a home of abuse are more likely to have every social problem we know of from teenage pregnancy, to drug abuse, to being abused themselves. Mom if you are being abused and staying with the relationship, your daughters are far more likely to be abused and your sons far more likely to become abusers. Parents, communicate with your kids LONG before they begin dating. Let your daughter know what behavior she should expect from a date and make sure your son knows the behavior you expect from him.
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and do not be afraid to get involved in your child’s dating habits. They are learning how to be in relationship and need to be coached; either you will coach them or most likely the friend you like the least is going to. You should meet and get to know every date. If you see a boyfriend being controlling, physical signs of injury, failing grades or truancy, use of drugs or alcohol, emotional outbursts or changes in mood or personality then get involved. Let them know you’re there to help and support; use active listening skills and try very hard not to be judgmental.
Parents and teens alike, this can be a special time in both of your lives with a little common sense, open and honest communication, adherence to agreed upon family rules, and love and respect.

On-Line Training and Blogginars

It is very easy to sign up and the trainings are on a number of topics: Goal setting, Leadership, Parenting, and Romance
Paste this link in your browser: https://vec.webex.com Then in the "Search" box type "Mark Altman" and you will see all the upcoming trainings.
I look forward to seeing you all there! Please tell your friends.
Mark

Trouble in the Land of Eternal Bliss

With the holiday season behind us, children in nearly year round activities and bad economic news the leading story every evening on TV, marriages today are under a great deal of stress. Compounding the problem are our expectations from marriage and our attitudes toward marriage. The availability of information can be both a challenge and an opportunity for marriages.
On the one hand, media messages remove the stigma associated with divorce and provide an overall attitude that if a person is unhappy in a relationship you end the relationship and find another; much the way one might replace a worn out toaster. On the other hand, the media provides more marital help than at any other time in our nation’s history. Advice improving our communication skills, information for abused and battered women, parenting tools, and of course the near constant attempts to improve our sex lives, just to name a few.
Because as of 2004, Idaho tied Alabama for the sixth highest divorce rate in the country; over the next three weeks, I will try to provide help for couples starting with recognizing when your relationship is in trouble, followed by resources to get that help, and then as a last resort how to plan for and carry out an amiable, healthy-as-possible, divorce. Before we start, let me say the most obvious sign your marriage is in trouble is if you are suffering emotional or physical abuse. In this case, get help immediately. The Women’s Center is available for help 24 hours a day at 208-664-9303; but if you don’t want to call them then talk to your Pastor, a friend, or your family. The bottom line if you are in an abusive relationship: get help and get out.
Other reasons to consider getting counseling help are:
If either of you has been unfaithful, your level of intimacy is low, or you are suspicious of your spouse.
If you don’t respect each other, teasing has become hurtful, you don’t fight fair, you bicker and snipe at each other constantly or you don’t have fun together any more.
If you can’t or don’t talk to each other about your problems, you are happier if your spouse is away, you find yourself withdrawing from each other, or you can’t seem to agree on goals and priorities.
An early indicator of abuse, before actual abuse starts is if a partner begins to isolate you from family and friends. This should prompt a call for help from one of the folks listed earlier.
Early recognition and treatment of a problem is always the easiest, cheapest and least painful way to solve a problem. This has been true since Ben Franklin admonished us, “A stitch in time saves nine,” to the modern observation, “Bad news doesn’t get better with age”.
Prior planning, commitment, hard work and constant communication are the best way I know of to keep a marriage healthy, but when these tools begin to breakdown, checking your pride at the door and getting some help to put your marriage back on firm footing is called for. You may have to communicate and compromise, change your behaviors, and engage in hard work but you just might save yourself the financial and emotional costs associated with divorce.

Give a Little, Get a Lot!

I am happy to report we have had our two exchange students for one week now and things are going better than any of us have a right to expect. Andrew and Ellen have managed to adjust very quickly to their new surroundings, and with my youngest son Matthew to shepherd them through their school day they are doing well indeed.
I provide this progress report because it is my hope that more families will become host families; we are getting so much out of the experience. This is our first experience hosting foreign exchange students, but we certainly hope it is not our last. The very few hiccups we have had stemmed out of miscommunication due to language barriers, although both of our students speak English well and are very well behaved. Learning about a culture very different from ours has been a great learning experience for our family.
Exchange students are typically Juniors or Seniors in high school, however, our students are fourteen years old and in eighth grade. We have not found this to be a challenge, and while both come from happy homes neither have had homesickness. They have not been very picky eaters and have been open to trying new foods. There are a couple of restaurant chains here in America, that have opened in Korea that the kids are most anxious to try. Seeing places we take for granted through the eyes of someone who has never had the experience has been a real treat for all of us.
We are treating them as a part of our family; they help the kids with their chores, they follow the same rules our kids do with few exceptions, and of course, they are included in all family activities. While we all eat dinner together, and therefore we provide their meals, they were required to bring their own spending money for the times they are on school field trips for example. The students brought calling cards to call home and they email their families often.
Because the exchange program we’re currently part of was started by a couple of local, very hardworking volunteers, the children in this program all come from South Korea. However, if your family is interested in a particular area of the world, you may well be able to host someone from that area. Most families maintain close relationships with their exchange students for years after the student goes back home, even visiting each other again.
There are a number of organizations that run student exchange programs and the local High school counselors can provide you contact information to a reputable one. The students are screened by the placement agencies and usually arrive with fairly solid language skills, however one of the reasons they are here is to become more like native speakers. Most students stay for one year, however our students will unfortunately only be here for one month. My family would tell you that is eleven months too short.