A month ago or so, I wrote two columns about setting goals and recently wrote on some things to consider before getting married. This week I want to suggest that you combine the information in those columns and have them payoff in a manner larger than if you were to only do them independently.
The best time to go through the process I will describe today is before you get married, but the next best time is shortly after you are married. If you have been married a long time you will still derive great benefit from this process, in fact this process may energize your marriage in a way you may have never experienced.
To prepare for this exercise you (and your spouse) must do the goal setting exercise I outlined previously, if you need a copy of it, just email me. You and your spouse need to do this independently of each other and make sure you dream big. Last, do not look on each other’s sheets at this point, remember, NO PEEKING!
After each of you have filled out the goal setting sheets then you need to schedule a time to sit down together to do the sometimes difficult work of reconciling your goals. This requires time, patience, caring, listening, love, and an unselfish attitude. I recommend getting a responsible sitter for the kids and booking a weekend at a bed and breakfast or favorite hotel. It doesn’t have to be far away or fancy; however, separating yourselves for a day or two will help tremendously as will introducing as much romance as you can to the outing. I just heard the deafening sound of the skipping heartbeats of half the population of Kootenai County. Never fear gentlemen, I have your back. For those of you not comfortable with romance, I will be writing an article on that subject in a couple of weeks.
Once your goal setting sheets are filled out and you are safely tucked away on your romantic interlude, relax. Have a little fun, eat a nice meal and reconnect with your lovely spouse, THEN begin to reveal your goals, hopes and dreams that you have written down. Take turns revealing either one section at a time or one goal at a time. Take care to remember what a precious gift your spouse is giving you, they are telling you things so important to them they might not share it easily. Do not abuse their trust in you; listen lovingly and respectfully, and then help them figure out how to accomplish their dreams.
Put your goals on the timeline sheet, taking care to ensure each of you are fulfilling your goals as you go along. There may be times when one of your goals will be more important than the other, but overtime this should balance out. The idea is to come to an agreement as a couple, but neither you nor your spouse should feel coerced. Doing this exercise once a year is as important to your marriage as your yearly physical with your doctor is to your bodily health so please do not neglect it. You and your spouse will achieve goals with more regularity and you will likely find more happiness and energy in your marriage than you have had in a long time.
Friday, October 19, 2007
A Case for Public Education
“Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither freedom nor justice can be permanently maintained.” – James Garfield
On May 15th we will have a chance to vote on the level of funding for our local schools, so I thought a review of the history of education in the US might be helpful for people to make an informed decision. In the interest of academic honesty I should note that I have four children in the school system and my wife is a substitute teacher, but lest anyone believe I am incapable of setting either bias aside, I am more than happy to provide my list of sources upon request.
Our nation has not always had public schools, so education was often not available and was certainly not free, with the inevitable result being; only the wealthy were educated. While Thomas Jefferson was the first American leader to suggest instituting a public school system, it would take until 1852 for the first state, Massachusetts, to begin compulsory education. New York followed the next year and by 1918 all states required at least an elementary school education. It is interesting to note that Jefferson believed the government should be in charge of education so it would be free of religious influence and should be available to all regardless of status or income.
The aftermath of the Industrial Revolution necessitated an educated workforce; so High Schools really hit their stride in the 20th century as the nation educated its youth, and as such most states required school attendance through the age of 16. By 1996, 85 percent of teenagers had graduated High School compared to only 6 percent in 1900. We now find ourselves in the Information Age; with advances ever accelerating, communication speeds increasing, boundaries of all kinds shrinking or disappearing all together. In this age, and for the foreseeable future, education will be more important than ever before in human history.
Horace Mann, an early advocate of public education and a Massachusetts Representative from 1827-1833 said, “Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great equalizer of the conditions of man, - the balance-wheel of the social machinery.” This places many demands on education, especially in educating children from troubled homes. If we are to avoid going back to the days of unequal education in which the rich and successful were virtually guaranteed to stay rich and successful because they were the only ones with access to quality education, then we must meet these kids where they are, and in many cases this means alleviating their suffering before we can educate them.
For those you of you who no longer have children in the school system, you may be tempted to believe educating other people’s children is not your responsibility. If the above reasons are too indirect to convince you, then how about your desire to have a nurse or doctor to service your health needs, firefighters to come to your rescue, military forces to keep you free, and every other function of society to include the fast food worker to count out correct change?
Given these reasons, my wife and I will be voting YES twice on the levy; once for the replacement levy and once for the small increase to compensate for inflation and the state’s reduction of funding. We wholeheartedly urge you to do the same, not for the benefit of teachers or politicians but for the benefit of your nation and your future.
On May 15th we will have a chance to vote on the level of funding for our local schools, so I thought a review of the history of education in the US might be helpful for people to make an informed decision. In the interest of academic honesty I should note that I have four children in the school system and my wife is a substitute teacher, but lest anyone believe I am incapable of setting either bias aside, I am more than happy to provide my list of sources upon request.
Our nation has not always had public schools, so education was often not available and was certainly not free, with the inevitable result being; only the wealthy were educated. While Thomas Jefferson was the first American leader to suggest instituting a public school system, it would take until 1852 for the first state, Massachusetts, to begin compulsory education. New York followed the next year and by 1918 all states required at least an elementary school education. It is interesting to note that Jefferson believed the government should be in charge of education so it would be free of religious influence and should be available to all regardless of status or income.
The aftermath of the Industrial Revolution necessitated an educated workforce; so High Schools really hit their stride in the 20th century as the nation educated its youth, and as such most states required school attendance through the age of 16. By 1996, 85 percent of teenagers had graduated High School compared to only 6 percent in 1900. We now find ourselves in the Information Age; with advances ever accelerating, communication speeds increasing, boundaries of all kinds shrinking or disappearing all together. In this age, and for the foreseeable future, education will be more important than ever before in human history.
Horace Mann, an early advocate of public education and a Massachusetts Representative from 1827-1833 said, “Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great equalizer of the conditions of man, - the balance-wheel of the social machinery.” This places many demands on education, especially in educating children from troubled homes. If we are to avoid going back to the days of unequal education in which the rich and successful were virtually guaranteed to stay rich and successful because they were the only ones with access to quality education, then we must meet these kids where they are, and in many cases this means alleviating their suffering before we can educate them.
For those you of you who no longer have children in the school system, you may be tempted to believe educating other people’s children is not your responsibility. If the above reasons are too indirect to convince you, then how about your desire to have a nurse or doctor to service your health needs, firefighters to come to your rescue, military forces to keep you free, and every other function of society to include the fast food worker to count out correct change?
Given these reasons, my wife and I will be voting YES twice on the levy; once for the replacement levy and once for the small increase to compensate for inflation and the state’s reduction of funding. We wholeheartedly urge you to do the same, not for the benefit of teachers or politicians but for the benefit of your nation and your future.
Getting Married
This is another column that if you are already married you might be tempted to skip, however there will still be plenty of good information for those of us who are already married (and of course my sharp wit as a bonus), so I encourage you to read this whether single or married and to pass it on to those you believe can benefit.
The best time to think about getting married is years before you begin seriously looking for your life partner. As I mentioned in previous columns, figuring out what you want for your own life as well as becoming a functional, healthy, mature, loving, human being are all things that should be accomplished before seriously looking for a mate.
Because I'm sure all of you have done the things I've just mentioned, we are going to press on, assuming you have found a partner who is also functional, healthy, mature, and loving. One might be tempted to think that if you have done what I have suggested, all that is left would be to pick china patterns. However, building a relationship is analogous to building a house, and in the previous columns we only laid the foundation for tying two lives together; we have not yet begun to put up walls or a roof.
In this analogy, a couple should build the walls and roof before honeymoon plans are started:
1. Take your individual goal sheets and begin the hard process of honest communication to reconcile those goals. Keep in mind, honest communication is paramount. Love’s early flush can keep a couple from honestly communicating, thinking to spare their intended’s feelings. This never works in the long run.
2. Make sure you cover these topics as a minimum: where you wish to live, children (how many, when, etc.), financial priorities, religious beliefs. Blended families have the additional challenge of step-children and any ex-spouses.
3. Attend marriage classes or pre-marital counseling, preferably over the course of several weeks. Go with an open mind and open heart to pick up invaluable communication and compromise skills.
4. If this is a second (or more) marriage, you really should try to figure out why your other marriage failed (and no, it was not all your ex-spouse’s fault).
5. You and your partner should both read books on healthy relationships such as “The Five Love Languages” or “Before you Say I Do: A Marriage Preparation Manual”.
Almost any church you wish to get married in is going to require a meeting with the marrying official, during which you will likely be asked questions on the topics I covered above. However this short session is not nearly long or in depth enough in my mind and will not provide the kind of tools you will need to build a successful marriage. If your future spouse refuses such help and counseling or can’t be bothered to work in order to have a successful marriage, a large red flag should go up in your head.
Surely there are a number of Marriage and Family counselors in your area, as well as churches and parenting organizations that are glad to help. If you cannot find the proper resources, email me and I will send you a list. Please do not ignore the hard work of your marriage; the sooner you start, the more rewarding the relationship will be for both of you and any children you may have.
The best time to think about getting married is years before you begin seriously looking for your life partner. As I mentioned in previous columns, figuring out what you want for your own life as well as becoming a functional, healthy, mature, loving, human being are all things that should be accomplished before seriously looking for a mate.
Because I'm sure all of you have done the things I've just mentioned, we are going to press on, assuming you have found a partner who is also functional, healthy, mature, and loving. One might be tempted to think that if you have done what I have suggested, all that is left would be to pick china patterns. However, building a relationship is analogous to building a house, and in the previous columns we only laid the foundation for tying two lives together; we have not yet begun to put up walls or a roof.
In this analogy, a couple should build the walls and roof before honeymoon plans are started:
1. Take your individual goal sheets and begin the hard process of honest communication to reconcile those goals. Keep in mind, honest communication is paramount. Love’s early flush can keep a couple from honestly communicating, thinking to spare their intended’s feelings. This never works in the long run.
2. Make sure you cover these topics as a minimum: where you wish to live, children (how many, when, etc.), financial priorities, religious beliefs. Blended families have the additional challenge of step-children and any ex-spouses.
3. Attend marriage classes or pre-marital counseling, preferably over the course of several weeks. Go with an open mind and open heart to pick up invaluable communication and compromise skills.
4. If this is a second (or more) marriage, you really should try to figure out why your other marriage failed (and no, it was not all your ex-spouse’s fault).
5. You and your partner should both read books on healthy relationships such as “The Five Love Languages” or “Before you Say I Do: A Marriage Preparation Manual”.
Almost any church you wish to get married in is going to require a meeting with the marrying official, during which you will likely be asked questions on the topics I covered above. However this short session is not nearly long or in depth enough in my mind and will not provide the kind of tools you will need to build a successful marriage. If your future spouse refuses such help and counseling or can’t be bothered to work in order to have a successful marriage, a large red flag should go up in your head.
Surely there are a number of Marriage and Family counselors in your area, as well as churches and parenting organizations that are glad to help. If you cannot find the proper resources, email me and I will send you a list. Please do not ignore the hard work of your marriage; the sooner you start, the more rewarding the relationship will be for both of you and any children you may have.
Finding and Being a Mentor
Last week we talked about dealing with adversity, a topic that virtually every person will have to address many times. Part of the process of overcoming adversity is to find a mentor so the following are my suggestions:
1. Each of us needs different mentors for the different aspects of our lives: career, hobbies, marriage, parenting, and spiritual. Over time your mentors may change as you grow.
2. Decide what you are looking for in a mentor. If you are just looking for “connections” to grease the skids toward your goals, then you are networking, not looking for a mentor. A mentor may provide a connection here or there, but that is not their most important function. They are there for advice and to tell you what they learned on their path to your goal.
3. Tell everyone you meet your goals and aspirations. If people don’t know your goals how can they help? Besides, the more people who know your goals, the more that can hold you accountable to achieving them. Even if a person cannot help you directly, they may introduce you to someone or an organization that can help.
4. Join organizations related to your goal. Their members will have knowledge, expertise and people available to answer questions and maybe provide contacts.
5. Cultivate the people who express an interest in your goals and let them know their coaching is important to your success. Most people want to be helpful and while a few will refuse for one reason or another, most will help.
6. Once you have found a mentor be sure you set limits as to what each of you will do and make it clear that either one can walk away without hard feelings. This enables each person to decide for themselves their comfort level and how much effort each of you will put in the relationship.
7. You have already attained certain talents and education that you should be passing on to others. If you are a ten year old, maybe you can demonstrate to your younger sibling how to get in and out of Mom’s cookie jar without getting caught, and if you are 80, maybe you can mentor a 50 year old on how to age with grace.
8. Be diligent in providing the best mentoring you can. Be patient and kind (you probably didn’t get it right the first time either).
9. You may well receive far more benefit from mentoring than being mentored, so I encourage you to mentor others at every opportunity.
My point in this article is that each of us needs mentors in every aspect of our lives for support and help. Can you figure life out on your own without this help? Probably. But you will certainly be more successful the more help you have; besides, life is more fun when we work together!
Next week get your best duds on, we will be getting married!
1. Each of us needs different mentors for the different aspects of our lives: career, hobbies, marriage, parenting, and spiritual. Over time your mentors may change as you grow.
2. Decide what you are looking for in a mentor. If you are just looking for “connections” to grease the skids toward your goals, then you are networking, not looking for a mentor. A mentor may provide a connection here or there, but that is not their most important function. They are there for advice and to tell you what they learned on their path to your goal.
3. Tell everyone you meet your goals and aspirations. If people don’t know your goals how can they help? Besides, the more people who know your goals, the more that can hold you accountable to achieving them. Even if a person cannot help you directly, they may introduce you to someone or an organization that can help.
4. Join organizations related to your goal. Their members will have knowledge, expertise and people available to answer questions and maybe provide contacts.
5. Cultivate the people who express an interest in your goals and let them know their coaching is important to your success. Most people want to be helpful and while a few will refuse for one reason or another, most will help.
6. Once you have found a mentor be sure you set limits as to what each of you will do and make it clear that either one can walk away without hard feelings. This enables each person to decide for themselves their comfort level and how much effort each of you will put in the relationship.
7. You have already attained certain talents and education that you should be passing on to others. If you are a ten year old, maybe you can demonstrate to your younger sibling how to get in and out of Mom’s cookie jar without getting caught, and if you are 80, maybe you can mentor a 50 year old on how to age with grace.
8. Be diligent in providing the best mentoring you can. Be patient and kind (you probably didn’t get it right the first time either).
9. You may well receive far more benefit from mentoring than being mentored, so I encourage you to mentor others at every opportunity.
My point in this article is that each of us needs mentors in every aspect of our lives for support and help. Can you figure life out on your own without this help? Probably. But you will certainly be more successful the more help you have; besides, life is more fun when we work together!
Next week get your best duds on, we will be getting married!
Dealing with Obstacles
In our last column we talked about dating and how to find a good adventure partner, this time we are shifting gears a bit to talk about how to overcome obstacles when pursuing our goals. At some point everyone has a goal in mind they really would like to achieve, but are stymied by a usually unforeseen obstacle to that goal. The impediment can be money, time, a person or just bad luck.
The preferable time to overcome an obstacle is during the goal setting, planning stage. If you can identify any obstacles that might thwart you from achieving the goal when you set it, you have a much better chance of overcoming the obstacle with little difficulty. This is why I suggest identifying all obstacles you can think of when you write down your goals (the columns two and three weeks ago covered this process).
However, let’s say that you followed the process I outlined and you missed an obstacle that has now bit your backside. What to do? Well the first thing to do is to remember that obstacles, challenges and failure are part of the process and that EVERY successful person you have ever known or heard of experienced these things on their path, so you are in good company. For example, Thomas Edison had to try 10,000 times to make the light bulb work and that invention has worked out pretty well for all of us!
The next step of the process is to review your past successes, remember those successes likely had setbacks as well, and realize your setback is temporary if you choose it to be. No, do not skip this part; it is important and besides it only takes a few minutes.
Now review the obstacle or failure and what went wrong. Make sure you are willing to admit your shortcomings and responsibility in the failure. You can’t fix them if you don’t and besides you will just repeat the mistakes again if you don’t fix them.
After reviewing your plan and where it went awry, ask yourself if you can tweak the plan or is a whole new approach necessary? Make a new plan taking what you have learned into account. Stick with me here; don’t skip a step in your excitement to get back into the fray.
Part of your new plan should contain a list of other challenges, obstacles and opportunities that may crop up and the contingencies to deal with them effectively. This step includes identifying the people in your life that can help you with your plan. For many people this is the scary part of the process. You have to tell people of your new plan. If you don’t tell them how can they help you?
This brings us to the last step in our discussion for the week; find a mentor. A mentor is usually someone that has already walked the path you are attempting and you may have several different mentors for each of the different parts of your life.
I know you are chomping at the bit to know how to find a good mentor, but we are at the end of our time for the week. So reread this column, think about it and pass it on to someone you love. Be patient, this is all part of MY plan for our time together.
The preferable time to overcome an obstacle is during the goal setting, planning stage. If you can identify any obstacles that might thwart you from achieving the goal when you set it, you have a much better chance of overcoming the obstacle with little difficulty. This is why I suggest identifying all obstacles you can think of when you write down your goals (the columns two and three weeks ago covered this process).
However, let’s say that you followed the process I outlined and you missed an obstacle that has now bit your backside. What to do? Well the first thing to do is to remember that obstacles, challenges and failure are part of the process and that EVERY successful person you have ever known or heard of experienced these things on their path, so you are in good company. For example, Thomas Edison had to try 10,000 times to make the light bulb work and that invention has worked out pretty well for all of us!
The next step of the process is to review your past successes, remember those successes likely had setbacks as well, and realize your setback is temporary if you choose it to be. No, do not skip this part; it is important and besides it only takes a few minutes.
Now review the obstacle or failure and what went wrong. Make sure you are willing to admit your shortcomings and responsibility in the failure. You can’t fix them if you don’t and besides you will just repeat the mistakes again if you don’t fix them.
After reviewing your plan and where it went awry, ask yourself if you can tweak the plan or is a whole new approach necessary? Make a new plan taking what you have learned into account. Stick with me here; don’t skip a step in your excitement to get back into the fray.
Part of your new plan should contain a list of other challenges, obstacles and opportunities that may crop up and the contingencies to deal with them effectively. This step includes identifying the people in your life that can help you with your plan. For many people this is the scary part of the process. You have to tell people of your new plan. If you don’t tell them how can they help you?
This brings us to the last step in our discussion for the week; find a mentor. A mentor is usually someone that has already walked the path you are attempting and you may have several different mentors for each of the different parts of your life.
I know you are chomping at the bit to know how to find a good mentor, but we are at the end of our time for the week. So reread this column, think about it and pass it on to someone you love. Be patient, this is all part of MY plan for our time together.
Finding an Adventure Partner
If you are currently single, pay close attention. If you are married you will still get some value out of this, but frankly it will likely involve more hard work on your part.
Most successfully married couples will tell you, if you marry well, with the right attitudes, this most important relationship can be a great source of strength and help. However, if you marry the wrong person or without the right tools and attitudes, you will likely be in for a long, hard road.
For single people the first, most important, thing you can do to have a good marriage (society hasn’t come up with a better basis for a healthy nuclear family) is to first become the kind of person, the type of person you want to marry, would want to marry. I know, I know, that was involved and convoluted. I can only say I am sorry but I don’t know an easier way to say it, or for that matter to actually do what I just said. However, let me provide an example; if you wish to marry someone patient and kind, you have your best chance by becoming patient and kind yourself.
We tend to marry people like ourselves, for better or worse. One of my professors is a Family counselor and he tells his students, “We marry spouses with our same level of dysfunction. If you are highly dysfunctional, you are likely to marry someone highly dysfunctional; if you have a low level of dysfunction, you are likely to marry someone desirable.” This comment of his tells us to lower our own level of dysfunction and become our better selves more of the time. For all of you who have already left the marriage station, all I can suggest is that you work to become the kind of person you WISH you had married and you may be surprised to see your spouse move your direction.
In practical terms, where do I suggest you start?
1. If you drink to excess, STOP, and get help.
2. If you use drugs in any way other than for a legal, medicinal purpose, get help.
3. If you hurt others or yourself when you lose your temper, get help and learn productive ways of dealing with stress and pain.
4. No, you cannot do it on your own; you need help figuring out why you relied on these crutches in the first place.
Dating, or finding an adventure partner is a lot like fishing. If you wish to find big largemouth bass, go south to any number of fine freshwater lakes; however, if you are after trout you won’t find any down there, you are better off up here in the great Northwest. Likewise, if you wish to find a civic minded, healthy (emotionally, mentally, and physically), interesting, and mature partner you are unlikely to find them in your local nightclub or watering hole. If you are looking for someone to be a good partner; try asking family and friends, look in your college classrooms, your local church or a volunteer organization and be clear and honest as to what you are looking for; both to yourself and others.
If you are fishing in nightclubs, your blurry eyes may tell you he/she’s a keeper; but you are more likely to find when you get them home, you caught a minnow.
Next time we will take our next step in realizing your goals; overcoming the inevitable obstacles that will come your way.
Most successfully married couples will tell you, if you marry well, with the right attitudes, this most important relationship can be a great source of strength and help. However, if you marry the wrong person or without the right tools and attitudes, you will likely be in for a long, hard road.
For single people the first, most important, thing you can do to have a good marriage (society hasn’t come up with a better basis for a healthy nuclear family) is to first become the kind of person, the type of person you want to marry, would want to marry. I know, I know, that was involved and convoluted. I can only say I am sorry but I don’t know an easier way to say it, or for that matter to actually do what I just said. However, let me provide an example; if you wish to marry someone patient and kind, you have your best chance by becoming patient and kind yourself.
We tend to marry people like ourselves, for better or worse. One of my professors is a Family counselor and he tells his students, “We marry spouses with our same level of dysfunction. If you are highly dysfunctional, you are likely to marry someone highly dysfunctional; if you have a low level of dysfunction, you are likely to marry someone desirable.” This comment of his tells us to lower our own level of dysfunction and become our better selves more of the time. For all of you who have already left the marriage station, all I can suggest is that you work to become the kind of person you WISH you had married and you may be surprised to see your spouse move your direction.
In practical terms, where do I suggest you start?
1. If you drink to excess, STOP, and get help.
2. If you use drugs in any way other than for a legal, medicinal purpose, get help.
3. If you hurt others or yourself when you lose your temper, get help and learn productive ways of dealing with stress and pain.
4. No, you cannot do it on your own; you need help figuring out why you relied on these crutches in the first place.
Dating, or finding an adventure partner is a lot like fishing. If you wish to find big largemouth bass, go south to any number of fine freshwater lakes; however, if you are after trout you won’t find any down there, you are better off up here in the great Northwest. Likewise, if you wish to find a civic minded, healthy (emotionally, mentally, and physically), interesting, and mature partner you are unlikely to find them in your local nightclub or watering hole. If you are looking for someone to be a good partner; try asking family and friends, look in your college classrooms, your local church or a volunteer organization and be clear and honest as to what you are looking for; both to yourself and others.
If you are fishing in nightclubs, your blurry eyes may tell you he/she’s a keeper; but you are more likely to find when you get them home, you caught a minnow.
Next time we will take our next step in realizing your goals; overcoming the inevitable obstacles that will come your way.
Goal Setting Part II
Go find the goal setting sheets you wrote last time we were together. If you didn’t do so; don’t worry, I’ll wait. (I’m probably slaving over my next column anyway.) Aren’t they buried under those papers on the counter?
In our last time together we left off having written your goals down under the appropriate headings and me extolling you to pay no attention to those who try to deter you from accomplishing ANY goal. A word of caution here. If someone is asking how you will overcome an obstacle to your goal, thank them; you will probably have to figure out how to overcome this obstacle and several others you can’t yet see. However if you are being told you aren’t smart, pretty, fast, big or talented enough to do something, ignore it; they are speaking from either fear or jealousy (and no, I don’t need to have met you to know that).
Now I want you to review your goals and ask yourself if what you wrote really reflects what you want. Those of you wondering, “What the HECK possessed me to write ‘run a marathon’, I don’t even own running shoes”, feel free to erase now.
Once you have eliminated any goals that really aren’t you, ask which of the goals you have listed are most important to you. There may come a time when you will have to prioritize one goal over another. There is no “right’ answer here, what is “right” for you may not be what would be “right” for me or anyone else.
The next step is to write the goals down in logical order. For example if you wish to be a veterinarian, your best chance is to graduate from college with an undergraduate degree, and for your best chance to go to college you need to do well in high school. Once your goals are in order, under the proper heading, then write the following under each goal:
any steps you can identify to achieving the goal, any known obstacles to the goal,
any possible solutions to those obstacles (including anyone that might be able to help)
a due date assigned to each of step to the goal.
The last step in this part of our process is to publish our goals. No, I don’t mean here in the paper; I am referring to telling friends and loved ones your goals and asking for their help and support. Ask them to hold you accountable to accomplishing your goals and allow them to share in your success.
I could waste a lot of ink providing stories, proving this system works. Instead I am going to ask you to spend a few minutes worth of effort and have just a little faith in both of us. I know you will be very pleased in the reward for your effort.
Next time we will share some thoughts on finding a partner on the adventure of life. Hopefully, a few of you will tell me I’m a genius in the story comments section; I am sure the rest of you will use the same section to tell me I am an idiot.
In our last time together we left off having written your goals down under the appropriate headings and me extolling you to pay no attention to those who try to deter you from accomplishing ANY goal. A word of caution here. If someone is asking how you will overcome an obstacle to your goal, thank them; you will probably have to figure out how to overcome this obstacle and several others you can’t yet see. However if you are being told you aren’t smart, pretty, fast, big or talented enough to do something, ignore it; they are speaking from either fear or jealousy (and no, I don’t need to have met you to know that).
Now I want you to review your goals and ask yourself if what you wrote really reflects what you want. Those of you wondering, “What the HECK possessed me to write ‘run a marathon’, I don’t even own running shoes”, feel free to erase now.
Once you have eliminated any goals that really aren’t you, ask which of the goals you have listed are most important to you. There may come a time when you will have to prioritize one goal over another. There is no “right’ answer here, what is “right” for you may not be what would be “right” for me or anyone else.
The next step is to write the goals down in logical order. For example if you wish to be a veterinarian, your best chance is to graduate from college with an undergraduate degree, and for your best chance to go to college you need to do well in high school. Once your goals are in order, under the proper heading, then write the following under each goal:
any steps you can identify to achieving the goal, any known obstacles to the goal,
any possible solutions to those obstacles (including anyone that might be able to help)
a due date assigned to each of step to the goal.
The last step in this part of our process is to publish our goals. No, I don’t mean here in the paper; I am referring to telling friends and loved ones your goals and asking for their help and support. Ask them to hold you accountable to accomplishing your goals and allow them to share in your success.
I could waste a lot of ink providing stories, proving this system works. Instead I am going to ask you to spend a few minutes worth of effort and have just a little faith in both of us. I know you will be very pleased in the reward for your effort.
Next time we will share some thoughts on finding a partner on the adventure of life. Hopefully, a few of you will tell me I’m a genius in the story comments section; I am sure the rest of you will use the same section to tell me I am an idiot.
Goal Setting Part I
As I mentioned in my introductory column, this space is dedicated to helping parents raise happy, healthy (in all aspects of health), productive, loving families. To that end, I believe the best place to start is at the beginning, which is to say, LONG before you have a family. Dr. Steven Covey suggests beginning with the end in mind, “Where am I headed? What do I want when I get there?” We are going to use a modification of the process I use with audiences around the country. This column, and certainly its author, have limitations; hence the necessity of modifications.
The questions I pose are more difficult for people to answer than you might think. When I ask audiences how many of them periodically go through this process in a formal way, less than half in the audience will raise their hands. The people who raise their hand are almost always eliminated after the next question, “How many of you write down the results?”
Given the price of gasoline, before starting on a long trip you would probably look at a map, especially if you had not traveled the route before. This goal setting exercise is nothing more than making a map of your life; deciding on a destination, and then planning how to get there. I also suggest you read a bit on the subject; I like Dr. Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.
After reading, reflecting, and answering the first two questions I have posed, take out nine pieces of paper and write one of the following headings at the top of each sheet: Broad or Overall, Spiritual, Service, Family, Physical Fitness, Career/Financial, Education/Self Improvement, Battery Charging/Fun, Mission Statement. If you find one of these headings do not apply to you then replace it with a heading more useful. Keep in mind, spiritual goals do not just mean church, and education is not just formal schooling.
Once you have written down the appropriate headings, write down, in any order, your fondest dreams and wishes for your life. Do not worry about if you think you can achieve them; you CAN, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The most important part of the process maybe what you DON’T do. Do not listen to those that would tell you that you are wasting your time or that your work will not bear fruit. Sometimes people we know and love tell us such things because they have been hurt or disappointed in the past, and in wishing to spare you their pain will try to discourage you from taking a chance; and sometimes people are just jealous, petty, and mean.
After you have completed this part of the process, I want you to set these papers aside for now; we are going to revisit them in our next column.
You might be tempted to skip one or more of the steps I have just outlined. DON’T! This process can be difficult and require a faith you are not sure you have; however, the reward for the process is the first step toward a life of success in all you choose to do.
The questions I pose are more difficult for people to answer than you might think. When I ask audiences how many of them periodically go through this process in a formal way, less than half in the audience will raise their hands. The people who raise their hand are almost always eliminated after the next question, “How many of you write down the results?”
Given the price of gasoline, before starting on a long trip you would probably look at a map, especially if you had not traveled the route before. This goal setting exercise is nothing more than making a map of your life; deciding on a destination, and then planning how to get there. I also suggest you read a bit on the subject; I like Dr. Covey’s book Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.
After reading, reflecting, and answering the first two questions I have posed, take out nine pieces of paper and write one of the following headings at the top of each sheet: Broad or Overall, Spiritual, Service, Family, Physical Fitness, Career/Financial, Education/Self Improvement, Battery Charging/Fun, Mission Statement. If you find one of these headings do not apply to you then replace it with a heading more useful. Keep in mind, spiritual goals do not just mean church, and education is not just formal schooling.
Once you have written down the appropriate headings, write down, in any order, your fondest dreams and wishes for your life. Do not worry about if you think you can achieve them; you CAN, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The most important part of the process maybe what you DON’T do. Do not listen to those that would tell you that you are wasting your time or that your work will not bear fruit. Sometimes people we know and love tell us such things because they have been hurt or disappointed in the past, and in wishing to spare you their pain will try to discourage you from taking a chance; and sometimes people are just jealous, petty, and mean.
After you have completed this part of the process, I want you to set these papers aside for now; we are going to revisit them in our next column.
You might be tempted to skip one or more of the steps I have just outlined. DON’T! This process can be difficult and require a faith you are not sure you have; however, the reward for the process is the first step toward a life of success in all you choose to do.
Intro Column
Let me begin by saying I have a great life. I get to write and speak on leadership issues, making organizations of all kinds better. I get to pursue a PhD in a subject I love. My wife Dawn is a teacher, currently working as a sub in our district. Our oldest is an Eagle Scout, an athlete, an IB student at CDA High and is currently in Washington D.C. as a Senate Page for Senator Larry Craig. The other three of our kids are a couple of years behind, but on similar trajectories. However, if you think Dawn and I have it easy as parents you would be wrong.
In all times, in all places parenthood is quite an adventure. In times past, raising a child to adulthood was sometimes as much about luck as good parenting. Mother and child surviving childbirth, avoiding common diseases and injuries, hunger, and political strife all took their toll.
While statistics tell us our chances of successfully raising a child to adulthood in the US has gotten better, as parents it is still an adventure. For most of us, our definition of success has changed. Long ago, keeping a child healthy enough to learn a trade and earn a living was the goal, over time helping the child obtain a high school education defined success. After WWII, the G.I. Bill began to change our standards of success when large numbers of Americans were able to obtain college degrees and the Veteran’s home loans made it easier for many to own their own home.
Those veterans raised the parenting bar in expecting, for the first time, that their children would go to college. The greatest generation’s children raised THEIR children to go to “good” colleges, and the race was on. Ask almost any parent now and they will tell you their hope is not that their child will go to college for an undergraduate degree, but that their child will go on to a professional school such as law school, med school, vet school, or to get an MBA for example.
Getting in to these schools has become so competitive that kids begin competing for advanced classes in Jr. High; earlier in many places. In addition, many schools are now looking for “well rounded” students; consequently kids must be in a variety of activities, preferably as a leader in some of them. Many universities are now looking for service hours in the community as well.
For those of you who do not have children in school allow me to provide an example. I am an educated person and was in advanced classes in a good High School, but my experience does not compare to my children’s. This year my son and his seventh grade classmates, learned how to do Punnet Squares (a technique to determine all the possible combinations of genetic alleles) in a regular science class. I learned to do this same technique as a High School senior in a college level, advanced biology class. You may accurately extrapolate this acceleration of knowledge across all subjects.
So what does this mean for parents? The first thing it means is you need to be there for your kids, not just physically but emotionally as well. A stable, nurturing home life, reading to them every chance you get, making sure they see you read as often as possible and letting them know you find education important are early keys to success.
One of the ways we increase our odds of raising great kids is to do high adventure trips with our kids such as our trip across the US two summers ago www.cdapress.com/altman and our upcoming trip from Rome, Italy to Edinburgh, Scotland this summer. We also do shorter, weekend excursions. The purpose of all our trips are education and family time certainly, but they are also about removing our kids for a time from influences that can make parenting harder and replacing those messages with our own. No one reading this column will agree with me on every issue, but hopefully this column will be a source of resources and advice to parents and the families they are part of. It still takes a village to raise a family and I intend to make this column a source of help and inspiration to everyone in our village.
In all times, in all places parenthood is quite an adventure. In times past, raising a child to adulthood was sometimes as much about luck as good parenting. Mother and child surviving childbirth, avoiding common diseases and injuries, hunger, and political strife all took their toll.
While statistics tell us our chances of successfully raising a child to adulthood in the US has gotten better, as parents it is still an adventure. For most of us, our definition of success has changed. Long ago, keeping a child healthy enough to learn a trade and earn a living was the goal, over time helping the child obtain a high school education defined success. After WWII, the G.I. Bill began to change our standards of success when large numbers of Americans were able to obtain college degrees and the Veteran’s home loans made it easier for many to own their own home.
Those veterans raised the parenting bar in expecting, for the first time, that their children would go to college. The greatest generation’s children raised THEIR children to go to “good” colleges, and the race was on. Ask almost any parent now and they will tell you their hope is not that their child will go to college for an undergraduate degree, but that their child will go on to a professional school such as law school, med school, vet school, or to get an MBA for example.
Getting in to these schools has become so competitive that kids begin competing for advanced classes in Jr. High; earlier in many places. In addition, many schools are now looking for “well rounded” students; consequently kids must be in a variety of activities, preferably as a leader in some of them. Many universities are now looking for service hours in the community as well.
For those of you who do not have children in school allow me to provide an example. I am an educated person and was in advanced classes in a good High School, but my experience does not compare to my children’s. This year my son and his seventh grade classmates, learned how to do Punnet Squares (a technique to determine all the possible combinations of genetic alleles) in a regular science class. I learned to do this same technique as a High School senior in a college level, advanced biology class. You may accurately extrapolate this acceleration of knowledge across all subjects.
So what does this mean for parents? The first thing it means is you need to be there for your kids, not just physically but emotionally as well. A stable, nurturing home life, reading to them every chance you get, making sure they see you read as often as possible and letting them know you find education important are early keys to success.
One of the ways we increase our odds of raising great kids is to do high adventure trips with our kids such as our trip across the US two summers ago www.cdapress.com/altman and our upcoming trip from Rome, Italy to Edinburgh, Scotland this summer. We also do shorter, weekend excursions. The purpose of all our trips are education and family time certainly, but they are also about removing our kids for a time from influences that can make parenting harder and replacing those messages with our own. No one reading this column will agree with me on every issue, but hopefully this column will be a source of resources and advice to parents and the families they are part of. It still takes a village to raise a family and I intend to make this column a source of help and inspiration to everyone in our village.
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