Watch Your &@%*$ Mouth!

Most of us, at one time or another, have let loose with one or more expletives that would do the most seasoned sailor proud. Most of us recognize, that while there may never be a time or place to use such language, there are a plethora of situations we should refrain from swearing.

The other day I was in a home improvement store where I saw a woman walking with her husband, pushing her baby daughter in a stroller. Given my interest in families, I was pleased to see a young, loving family enjoying an afternoon together; imagine my surprise to read the “f-word” written prominently on the shirt in several places. My first thought was “she will need to get rid of that shirt before her beautiful daughter can read,” and that thought was quickly followed by “why is she not more considerate of other people, especially those with children, who read that shirt.”

Jim O'Connor, author of Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing says "In using profanity the speaker is usually just being lazy, avoiding having to use more descriptive words to express himself". "Cursing," O'Connor states, "does little to convey our real message or the fact that our education continued beyond the fifth grade. This laziness of language can have detrimental effects when it is directed at children. In fact, a number of researchers argue this use of language is tantamount to child abuse. Even when children do not show outward effects of verbal abuse, they still learn cursing as a preferred form of communication, and verbal abuse as an acceptable way to treat others.

Most children swear at some point as they are growing up. Often they swear not knowing what the word means, they are just imitating an adult. If they get a desirable reaction such as laughter, or attention for their choice of language, they are likely to repeat it. Before rushing to correct your child, make sure both parents are on the same page as to how important the issue is in your family.

If your child is young, often if you show that the word has no visible effect on you then your child will be less likely to use it again. If your child swears when angry, help him learn to express his anger in more effective language. This will likely take more patience than just punishing the bad behavior; however, in the long run this strategy will not provide your child an increased ability to constructively express feelings and deal with emotions. Suggesting words that are more effective than swear words can be helpful as well.

For older children, explaining why such language is not acceptable and why the use of swear words makes you unhappy. If the use of this language is to impress friends, then you are less likely to hear it so you will have to convince your child of the logic of your position, you won’t punish or reward your way there. However, after your child clearly understands your position on swearing and you have corrected your own language, then you should treat swearing as any other discipline problem.

A reasonable standard, clearly communicated consequences to misbehavior, consistently applied will provide the best chance for success. The challenge for all of us to not succumb to a culture in which swearing, poor emotional response and treating others with indifference is all too common.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

To test or not to test, that is the question.

More specifically, to test students for illegal drugs is the question; and the knock-down, drag-out fight, in some places. This topic came to the forefront for my wife and I last Monday, when our youngest daughter Meagan came home and announced she had been selected for a random drug test at school. At the beginning of the year, my wife signed the release allowing the school to test our kids as part of their random drug-screening program.

For a variety of reasons, we are confident our kids do not use drugs, smoke, or drink, and therefore for us (our kids included), we couldn’t care less if the kids are tested. However, if we had the slightest suspicion they were using any of those substances, we would want them tested so we could get them help. I spent an entire career being tested in the Army, my wife has been a teacher her entire career, and our oldest is embarking on a career as a Navy pilot. Given our career choices and family circumstances, you might understand why we didn’t realize the intensity of the debate over this issue.

When Meagan was tested, I began to look closer at the debate; and while I have not changed my mind on the topic, there are a number of contentious points raging across the education, legal and parenting communities. At the top of the list are the privacy issues; although so far, the Supreme Court has decided schools do have the right to randomly drug test students.

Another hotly contested issue is the efficacy of drug testing in reducing the numbers of drug users in school. Critics of drug testing argue kids will shift to designer drugs or prescription medications. I find the best argument against testing in its current form, is that we don’t test for enough substances; alcohol is by far the leading killer of teenagers in comparison to other drugs, and underage drinking costs the US more than $50 billion a year.

On the other side of the debate are those who argue for many kids, knowing they may be tested is both a deterrence and an “out” with their friends, as to why they can’t take drugs. They point out a kid who doesn’t use drugs has nothing to fear from submitting to a test. Further, if experimentation is fueled by peer pressure, then reducing drug use amongst athletes and other student leaders has a ripple effect across much of the student body.

My intent in this column is not to solve, or even advocate, one position over another; my purpose is to begin a conversation in our communities as to whether we wish to expand testing to include alcohol and tobacco, or continue testing our kids for illegal drugs at all. My guess is if you tested every kid, every single day, it would not have the impact of loving parents, modeling good behavior, and communicating the reasons behind that behavior, in a loving and honest way. When a teen’s parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drug abuse, the teen is 42% less likely to use drugs, and 63% of teens who drink say they initially got the booze from their own, or a friend’s house. Let the debate continue.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

Become like Gumby!

If you will recall from your youth, Gumby was a claymation cartoon character who was very flexible. Like Gumby, we should all strive to be flexible, developing the ability to regain our original form after a tragedy. This is the definition of resilience.

There are few things in life a person can count on; but one of those things is the necessity of facing tragedy, either yourself, or a close loved one. While the bad news for us as emotional beings is the commonality of tragedy, the good news is the almost equal commonality of resilience in the face of such tragedy. One might even argue tragedy is necessary for our personal growth.

A testament to the universality of grief and resiliency came to me after I proposed this topic on my Facebook page. Several people wrote to me telling their own stories of grief, healing and resiliency. So the question becomes how do they, and by extension we, increase our capacity for bouncing back after tragedy and even becoming the stronger for having lived through the experience?

Mental health professionals counsel that resilience, or the ability to cope and even thrive, under difficult circumstances is a group of traits or a skill set anyone can develop. This development is best begun as a child, is never too late to develop and we should all be strengthening. Mentoring others to greater resilience is a good thing to practice, for it not only benefits the person you mentor, it reminds us how to be resilient during our own tragedies.

The American Psychological Association suggests ten ways to build resilience and the first is making connections. The love of family members and close friends is important, and should be cultivated long before tragedy strikes. If family is unavailable for some reason, then groups like faith based groups or civic organizations can be a source of strength.

Another trait to be developed before you need it is to develop a positive view of yourself. Developing self confidence and learning to trust your decision making processes is key to becoming resilient. Taking care of yourself physically, and emotionally, will provide some reserves of strength that may prove critical in a crisis.

When challenges occur, whether the loss of a loved one or a turn of economic fortune, try to keep the long-term perspective in mind and maintain a positive outlook. This allows you to believe that grief will not last forever, and challenges are not insurmountable.

Make a special point to continue to move toward your goals. If you don’t have written goals established, this is a good time to consider what they might be. Act upon those goals and take positive steps toward making them happen. The other half of goal achievement is the owning of circumstances that can’t be changed, and accepting that change is a part of living.

Last, look for opportunities for self discovery, as the grieving process is often an introspective and educative one. Much like saving money for a rainy day, the time to develop resiliency is when things are going well in your life and resiliency isn’t needed.

Along the path we travel, all of us experience grief, whether the sting of marital breakup or the knife thrust of losing a loved one. Know that we pain with you, but you are resilient and will come through the other side. Ask us for love and help today, so we may ask it of you tomorrow.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

One More time on the Merry-Go-Round

I realized as I looked at my columns over the past few months, that I haven’t written a column for the over 50 among us. To rectify this oversight I wish to provide some help and support to our parents and grandparents who while they enjoy these roles would also like to enjoy a role some of us take for granted: that of lover. Now before everyone gets their dander up, let me be clear; while I am not excluding sex from my definition of lover, I do not exclusively mean sex.

By lover, I mean lover in several connotations including companionship, dating, emotional connection, passion, and understanding. People in the US are living longer and in better health than at any time in our past. This has lengthened the time we can enjoy the various roles we play in life such as athlete, student, producer of work, parent, spouse, passionate and sexual being and so on.

Even the advent and popularity of the Internet has played a role with senior dating sites becoming very popular. A simple search reveals a number of sites that cater specifically to single seniors, although even these sites have their share of cheating seniors. Cheating aside, another problem the internet can’t solve is the fact that women outlive men and therefore more women are looking for love and companionship than men.

If you are a senior and have recently lost a spouse through either death or divorce, after you go through the grieving process, there are some very good reasons to be interested in finding a new love. There is a growing amount of research, demonstrating that being in a healthy relationship helps stave off everything from dementia and depression to heart disease. Besides, with families often separated as they move to chase careers, parents are often left to their own devices.

For those seniors willing to take a chance on finding love again and those who just want to have companionship, there are some things to keep in mind. While the internet is a wonderful tool, your friends, family, church, etc. are still better places to find someone. I say partly because of the scams perpetrated against seniors on online dating sites. If you use the internet, make sure it is a reliable dating service.

Before getting on the merry go round of love get a complete physical from your doctor so you know how fast you can ride, and then as appropriate, be honest with any potential partners about your health; in case you needed another reason for eating right, staying active and not smoking!

Next, remember the rules of dating and polite behavior still apply; just because the pharmacy gave you the ability to tag all the bases, doesn’t mean your new date wants to play ball, yet or ever. Talking about your exes or former spouses is ok if done in a limited way, and certainly remain respectful of that life together, but at the same time keep in mind that living in the past, regardless of how wonderful and special, can stifle the development of something beautiful.

When my grandfather passed away, he found a woman to share his remaining years. She wasn’t my grandmother, but she certainly provided him some happiness in his twilight. I wish the same for all of us.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

The Close of another school year ends; another summer begins

Several of my friends suggested topics for this week, and while a number of them were certainly worthy of being written about, I settled on reminding all of us that the arrival of spring brings with it, in a month or so, the end of the school year.

Personally, this means my daughters being asked to prom for the first time (although this is my last year of reprieve as neither are 16 yet). With mixed emotions, this summer marks the girls’ first college classes and our realization we are only three years from an empty nest. For many parents this marks a time of fervent activity in the form of summer sports and family activities. To our communities, this means another batch of teenagers driving to parties and prom nights, and another class of seniors preparing to move on to higher education or enter the workforce.

These realities force upon us, both as individual parents and as a community, the responsibility to have some earnest conversations with our high school students. The first conversation should concern our expectations of behavior as it relates to driving. While not the only item on the agenda of the driving conversation, drinking must be at the top of the list. Letting your teen know that drinking and driving, or getting in a vehicle with someone that has been drinking, is never acceptable and can lead to their death or the death of someone else.

I can hear some of you now, admonishing me, that teens know that handy tidbit of information and they are either going to heed it or they won’t, and therefore, it is unnecessary for parents to have that uncomfortable conversation. In response, I point to any number of studies, some of which were completed by the alcohol industry, that show teens who are reminded repeatedly, long before they can drive, are far less likely to drink and drive, especially if the parent models the desired behavior. This general idea works for any number of teen pitfalls, drinking, reckless driving, sex, drug use, to name a few.

Sitting your teen down to deliver a lecture isn’t nearly as effective as taking advantage of the topic popping up in conversation during a family dinner. Of course, this means in order to have the necessary, potentially lifesaving, conversations, your family will need to sit down to a meal together several times a week.

I suggest a family requirement of four nights a week. If your teen balks due to a schedule that would do the President proud, make it more palatable by allowing them to invite a friend. For the price of an additional place setting, you get valuable intelligence on who your teen is hanging around and both teens are more likely to let their guard down.

With kids being off school during the summer and presumably the parents still going to a normal work schedule, teens have more time on their hands. The old adage, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” certainly comes to mind. Keeping your teen busy with some kind of summer school, or a part time job can be helpful.

A curfew is another parental tool that should be used. Anyone out after midnight is much more likely to be killed than someone home by the witching hour and for teens the statistics are even clearer. The community can play a role by checking IDs before selling alcohol, and calling law enforcement to escort unruly teens, or those who are out too late, home to worried parents.

Summer is a wonderful time of the year, especially for a teen, more so for those about to embark on the next phase of life. Parents and the community at large, have a compelling interest to partner together to make sure the transition is a flawless one.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Parents, Get in the Game!

I have recently written in this column about how pleased I am about being a coach for my daughters’ flag football team. Nothing has changed and I do love sharing this time and activity with my daughters, but I am still a bit piqued. Why, you might ask? I’m glad you did; allow me to share.

If you go to almost any organization, especially one involving children, you will find that 10 to 20% of the people do 90% of the work, and a sizeable portion of parents use the organization as a babysitting service. I cannot ascribe motive, largely because I am not privy to what goes on inside the head of another, and sometimes I’m not so sure what goes on in my own head.

But here are a few guesses: maybe parents feel they have nothing to contribute in comparison to the many talented and giving people who do step up to volunteer. Perhaps they convince themselves they have less time than those who take on volunteer roles. I hope the parent’s reasoning is they would like their kids to do an activity without a parent hovering nearby.

Whatever the reason, when parents fail to volunteer, attend activities such as games or even awards ceremonies, parents tell their kids where they fall in the pecking order of family life and children are often embarrassed. When parents fail to pick kids up on time from an event, organization leaders feel compelled, in the interest of safety if nothing else, to wait until parents do show up.

School based and extra-curricular activities are essential to the well-rounded development of a child and I encourage parents to enroll their children in as many of them as the family can while maintaining a healthy family/life/work balance. However, I also encourage as much parental participation as possible, and if there is a reason you can’t help out, such as you want some parent child separation, make sure the adult volunteers know this and make yourself available in other ways. Go out of your way to be helpful and pleasant, and always pick your child up on time.

I allow that single parents, those folks in financial difficulty and grandparents who find themselves parents again, have a more difficult time being involved in team or group their children are in, but surely everyone can help one of those organizations in some way. At a minimum, stay in communication with the adult volunteers and coaches; give them your support as they have a difficult job, and in the vast majority of cases, they do it out of passion and compassion for kids. If you find yourself unable to help financially or with your time, at least make sure you are at events, supporting your child and showing them you value both your child and the role the organization plays in your child’s life.

As our nation moved away from an agrarian, largely rural society, these organizations became more important, both to individual kids and to society’s youth. Providing activities for eager minds, physical fitness for growing bodies, and ethical and moral education to augment the messages parents are trying to push through the static is a difficult job. Youth volunteers are one of our nation’s greatest assets and deserve your appreciation and help. Even better is that you should become one of them.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

You are History (and you will be one day too)

www.altmanleadershipcenter.com

Last weekend my Dad, my youngest son, and me spent the day repairing our kitchen table and making a primitive weapon called an atlatl. Our day was full of one generation passing practical information and funny family stories to the next and of course making more special memories. My parents are not particularly old, and hopefully we will have many more years with them. But at some point, they, like the rest of us, will no longer be here.

The stories my Dad tells of growing up in rural East Texas and those of my mother’s youth in Southern California are worth recording, to keep something of them alive after they are gone. I am sure that each of you have someone, or hopefully several people, whom you would like to record their story. For that matter, it is very likely there are several people who would like to record your story.

There are a number of things you will want to consider before you start; the first is to obtain the permission and cooperation of the people you wish to interview. The next is to consider using a video camera or voice recorder. This alleviates the need for taking notes and allows a more natural flow of the interview. The interview usually forgets they are being recorded in short order.

Find a place you can be comfortable and will not be interrupted; remember to turn off your cell phone! Develop a set of interview questions, putting them on flash cards is very convenient. Taking a photo of the person and any relevant memorabilia they have can be helpful.

Start your questions by recording the date of the interview and the name of the person you are interviewing. Next, obtain their personal details such as date and place of birth, their parents and grandparents’ names and the occupations they have held over the course of their life. Asking questions about everyday life, impressions of newsworthy events as they happened, and reflections of the person they were and have become, will all be of great interest to your audience. My father told us of his memory of Elvis playing a concert at the old high school in the early 1950’s and the town’s reaction to the concert.

Follow your interest when asking questions but remember to be respectful of the person you are interviewing. Bringing up painful memories can be cathartic or harmful; so unless you are trained to know the difference, and even if you are trained, be kind and patient. Remember to be gentle and nonjudgmental, it’s unlikely you know how you would have behaved under similar circumstances, and even if you think you know, do you want to be held accountable to your mistakes years later?

The recording of these stories is very easy and there are a number of websites to help you. A simple search on an Internet search engine will provide lists of questions and other helpful hints to be successful, such as thoughts on how to present the finished product. You may also find help at your local university history department.

I hope you will get started on this project soon, before death, illness or just faulty memory rob your family of something precious you can’t replace. Your loved ones’ rich, wonderful and unique stories.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

"Hey Coach!"

I am told, “No good deed ever goes unpunished.” While this thought may seem true from time to time, I am very pleased to have volunteered to coach my daughters’ flag football team. I have had the pleasure of coaching my boys’ football and soccer teams, even being an adult leader in their scout troops. My wife had the pleasure of coaching our girls, but I have never had an opportunity to share the love of sport and competition with my girls.
The boys and I share many funny stories and a common experience from the intersection of our relationships as parent/ child and coach/ player. The girls and I are looking forward to deepening our relationships through playing flag football and I am especially happy both the girls will be on the same team.
The NFL has partnered with local school districts in Alaska, California, Florida, Indiana, Massachusetts, Nevada, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas. The idea of this partnership is to provide another opportunity for girls to develop leadership skills, and to play a sport in which female participation has been limited until now.
The NFL grant of 2008/9 agrees to pilot flag football programs in any community desiring such a program. So, if you wish to bring flag football to your school you can go to the NFL youth football website and apply for the grant the NFL has set up to provide footballs, flags, rulebooks and other support to get leagues started. Florida already has a state championship, Texas is investigating one and talk has begun as to developing some kind of national tournament. The upside for the NFL is they are expanding the numbers of female fans, both now and in the future.
While these opportunities on the horizon excite the girls, the thought of playing a “boy’s sport”, and breaking those barriers and stereotypes, holds as much attraction for my girls and their teammates, but biggest attractor is the sport itself. Several of the girls on my team are cheerleaders for their school, cheering for the boy’s football and basketball teams. Interestingly, high schools that have had girl’s flag football for a few years report that boys come out to cheer on the girls; demonstrating, either boys are willing to be fair-minded about their sports, or boys will go where girls are even if the girls are cutting fish bait.
The girls play seven on seven, and as they do not wear tackle football pads, the rules are modified to ensure the girls’ safety. The pace of the game seems to be faster than tackle football and the ball is smaller to accommodate the girl’s smaller hands. I have however been pleasantly surprised by how quickly the girls have begun to master their new sport.
I am very interested to see the differences in levels of competitiveness, if there is any, both inside our team between individual girls, and between boys and girls in general. Far more important than satisfying my considerable intellectual curiosities however, is the opportunity to play a sport with my girls that all three of us love.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

“Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.” – Edward R. Murrow
Virtually everyone comes upon difficult periods in their lives, usually several times over the course of a lifetime. In fact, many authors would argue these difficult periods, and instances of failure, are necessary to an overall lifetime of success. On the main, history bears out their argument, with Bell, Edison, Lincoln, and Roosevelt, being the first four examples I can rattle off the top of my head.
While I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest any of us enjoy these periods of painful instruction, I am suggesting we have two options when faced with such obstacles. The first option is to give up. In our nation, we typically look upon such people with scorn while shaking our heads sadly. Instead, I argue every goal has a price and we should always evaluate the personal and societal costs against the personal and societal benefits. We should reevaluate why we are pursuing a particular goal when the costs begin drastically outweighing the benefits.
The second option is to take a step back, and a deep breath or two; then evaluate the goals in our lives, make corrections and move forward with renewed vigor. This second option has the virtue of allowing us to learn from our mistakes; however, with either option we should move forward only when we can do so with purpose.
After you have decided to take an opportunity to reevaluate where you are, doing so in a systemic way, writing down the results for further reflection and as a “compass check” in the future, is usually of invaluable aid. Figuring out in broad or philosophical terms what is most important to you and then developing goals that fit into that framework is a huge step forward. Take care not to believe you have carved these goals into stone; you can, and probably will change your goals from time to time as life circumstances change. The important part is to have some kind of plan, imperfect, incomplete, and changing as it may be.
Try to group your goals under the following headings: spiritual, service, family, physical fitness, career/financial, education/self improvement, and battery charging or fun goals. These are the basic areas of life for most people and allow for a balanced, healthy view of life. Writing down the goals provides a method for deeper planning to accomplish the goals, keeping track of them, and making it possible to check off the goals when they are achieved.
Reviewing the list frequently can help keep you on task and allows loved ones to help us as needed. In addition, being able to see a goal checked off the list can be a powerful feeling, providing a dose of resilience during difficult times.
I suggest this as a powerful tool in what may be the worst economic environment our nation has faced since the Depression. Not only will the tool help you directly but can help your family discover their common purpose, and remind them of it during trying times. I leave you with the thoughts of William James, “The greatest discovery in our generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds can change the outer aspects of their lives.”


Mark Altman has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is the author of the book Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb, is available for speaking or consulting and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Sibling Rivalry

I am the oldest of my parents’ four kids. I have a great relationship with one brother and my sister, but my other brother and I have always had a love/hate relationship. After years of self analysis, I can safely say the crux of our problem is sibling rivalry. I would love to be able to blame it all on him, but the fact is it takes two to tango as they say.

I have been amazed at the passion with which friends and family have weighed in on the issue of sibling rivalry. With the obvious exception of only children, It seems that almost everyone has been affected, in some cases scared, by overdone competition between siblings. Many family health experts believe sibling rivalry is more common in children of the same gender and if they are close in age.

Wondering how well my wife and I handled the issue, I called my oldest son to get his opinion of the relationship he and his siblings enjoy. I figured he more likely an honest broker as he is in college and away from home. He reported that he and his siblings compete all the time but they kept it behind the scenes, as they know Dawn and I try to keep the rivalry to a minimum. He argues sibling competition is good as long as the rivalry is kept inside ethical boundaries and is not allowed to overtake the whole of the relationship. He believes the friendly competition has made each of them better while they have stayed supportive of each other’s successes.

In the spirit of making myself a better parent and helping the many of you who have shared your challenges with me in this area, allow me to pass along the fruits of my research:

The family meeting has a role to play keeping sibling rivalry healthy, if you take an evening to gather input on how your family feels about the issue, how they believe the family is faring, resolving conflict in a healthier way, and getting buy-in on strategies to move forward.

Take the time to explain that “fair” and “equal” are not always the same thing and standards are not always consistent. For example, you may expect “straight ‘A’s” from one child and yet “C’s” from another. Fairness derives from expecting the same effort from each child and them to try their best.

Accordingly, finding each child’s talents and expecting the entire family to celebrate everyone’s success is key. At the same time, expecting the entire family to help others with their challenges is important too.

Another tool in reducing destructive rivalry is to do fun, family activities together. Simple things like game night should be a weekly event, and monthly embarking on a more involved activity like camping or a road trip to a museum.

While activities with the entire family is indispensible, individualized activities such as “date-night” are just as helpful. A “date” of one parent and one child doing something they want to do provides many benefits and special memories.

I wish you all luck in minimizing family rivalries and nurturing compassion, commitment, love and understanding that will last a lifetime.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.