Family Matters

Getting Ready for College

2009-11-13T18:33:00.001-08:00

Every year high school seniors and their families across the US, begin the process of applying, writing essays and seeking acceptance to higher education. For many, the hand wringing and worry have just begun. The education choices have never been more plentiful; between universities, colleges and technical schools a student can learn almost anything. From purely academic subjects that develop the whole human being, to the strictly technical topics that teach a very particular skill.

As a student is looking for a school, the Internet can be a very useful tool. Most schools have web pages that allow you to see the facilities the school has to offer, as well as biographies of the instructors and even pictures of the student body allowing the prospective student to get a feel of the school environment. However with the abundance of school choices available, the student has to beware of schools that are not properly accredited. Accreditation is important because accreditation is student’s and the employer’s guarantee a school is really teaching the curriculum they say they are and aren’t just a diploma mill.

I’m sad to say that the diploma mills have gotten smarter and have developed websites for fake accreditation groups. How does a student know one from another? One way is to find the website for a professional organization for your chosen profession and ask them for the accreditation governing body. This will allow you to know the school you have chosen is fully accredited.

After a young adult finds the right school financial aid in the form of scholarships, grants and loans need to be secured. I usually advise young students to find the right school for them, then figure out how to pay for the school rather than deciding what you can afford and then finding a school. The first step is to fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FASFA) form at www.fasfa.ed.gov . Students will also want to contact the financial aid office for their school as soon as possible.

Both of my daughters are graduating this year so we are deep in the process I have outlined. We have counseled them to dream big, reaching for international opportunity; beginning to think of interesting internships and how they can network to secure such an opportunity. An unorthodox plan can pay big dividends if the plan is well thought out and the student is willing to put the work in to achieve their dream.

Now is the time for taking the SAT, ACT, and applying to higher education. Whether you choose to study Philosophy at a major university or choose to learn to become a car mechanic; dream big, make a plan and become a lifelong student. The reward will likely be more rewarding than you can see today!

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be. One who cherishes a beautiful vision, a lofty ideal, will one day realize it.” - James Allen

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is an international speaker with two books and a DVD that can be purchased on Amazon.com. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

Standing Tall

2009-11-04T18:58:00.001-08:00

Editor’s note: The following is a guest column written by my oldest son Mark William Altman II, a 19 year old Junior at Embry Riddle Aeronautical Engineering University.

“He, who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice.” –Albert Einstein

This last Wednesday I was talking to my younger sister about how school was progressing. She was explaining to me that she had begun to question the callousness that her fellow students felt towards the world, a complete apathy towards school, the government, human relationships, and life in general. Without thinking, I reminded her that these students had been trudging along, mindlessly, head bowed, shoulders slumped to the dull beat of society’s drums for so long that they had become accustomed to the rotten stench of their unused minds, and had forgotten what it was like to stand tall and breathe the fresh air of freedom and innovation. It cheered her up to know that there was someone out there empathetic with her, but I couldn’t help but have a nagging feeling that there was more to what I had said.

As fate would have it, the next day in one of my classes we were discussing International Crime. The most disconcerting topic was that of Human Trafficking. I have always known Human Trafficking is present in the world, but never understood why Americans would allow such a human rights violation to continue unchecked, with barely a word against it. I ceased wondering as my fellow students began an in-depth discussion as to the “economic viability” of addressing this crime against their fellow humans; but they failed to discuss the human cost of allowing this egregious sin to continue. I began to question our societal mores. I was not questioning our society due to the free discussion between students; rather I questioned a society that taught its children that the almighty dollar was worth more than a human life.

We teach our nation’s children to go unquestioning into the workforce, and all levels of civil service, accepting that some people are less fortunate than others. We teach our children that the exploitation of foreign workers is acceptable since the pennies we pay these workers are “more than they usually would earn.” We encourage them to lie, cheat, or steal since “everyone else does it.” Most importantly, we tell them that sitting on the sidelines in life is adequate as long as they “grieve” for those less fortunate, and those who do not receive the basic human freedoms they deserve. We do not intend to teach our children these lessons; rather, we allow the sin of omission to run rampant through our homes. By avoiding these delicate and morally complicated questions we don’t give children time to forge an opinion, instead they are forced, as young adults, into the opinion given to them by society.

It is time we no longer allow our children to go through this world unquestioningly. We need to teach them as children to ask why our world acts the way it does. Teach them to allow the views of the past to fade into history, and to embrace the change that the future brings. Teach them to be citizens of the world, as well as American patriots. Allow them to stand tall, breathe deep, and use, not just their basic human instincts, but also their higher moral functions. As Americans, we should not allow ourselves to be of the numbers that march unquestioningly to the beat of the drums; we should instead question the legitimacy of authority, and make our decisions based on our own moral beliefs. Most importantly, we should teach our nation’s children Voltaire’s maxium, “Every man is guilty of all the good they didn’t do.”

Mark Altman II is a Midshipman 3^rd Class in Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University’s Naval Reserve Officer Training Corps Program and is pursuing a degree in Aerospace Engineering, and is a graduate of Coeur d’Alene High School.

Looking forward to my “Fun Job”!

2009-10-29T09:56:00.001-07:00

A couple of weeks ago now I had the wonderful fortune of running into Bill and Zamie Studt. They are a marvelous couple who introduced me to my dream “retirement job”; driving the Jelly Belly jellybean motor home. They drive all around the East Coast of the US to promotional events, handing out jellybeans and meeting remarkable people.

I say this is my retirement job only partially kidding. I would love the job, but I would eat so many jellybeans I might not fit in the RV! My sweet tooth inspired career plans reminded me that many Americans, like the Studts, find themselves working again after retirement.

They find themselves working again for many reasons: financial, wishing to make a difference, or out of boredom seem to be the most common. There are many benefits to working after retirement beyond the obvious financial gain, such as mental health, staying engaged in society, and keeping skills current. Many retirees find they can take a job purely out of interest or enjoyment, in a way they couldn’t when they were younger raising families.

Many businesses hire workers looking for a “retirement job” for a number of reasons: the worker has many directly and indirectly applicable skills, that don’t have to be taught compared to a younger worker, the retirement worker can often afford to take a lesser salary, especially if the job has some of the other rewards mentioned earlier. Working as a substitute teacher for example, allows a second career largely out of the elements, provides an opportunity to mentor a whole new generation, ensures an income, keeps weekends free, and supplies the local schools with subs when a teacher must be out. As long as the retirement worker is in reasonably good health, and is still mentally active, employers have very little downside.

So how do you find a “retirement job”? Many second careers start the way the first career started, through personal contacts, volunteering for causes and organizations you care about, sending out targeted resumes, and interviewing. The biggest difference for most retirees looking for their second career is they are often in the driver’s seat when it comes to what kinds of job they are willing to accept.

Most retirees have some outside income, even if that income will not completely support them or support them indefinitely; and for many they own their home. They also rarely have children they must support. The degree which each of these factors are true dictate just how picky the retiree jobseeker can be.

If you must keep a job for financial reasons, then planning early is even more important; however, the “cooler” or out of the ordinary a job you desire, will also mean more planning. Jobs abroad, jobs where spouses work together such as driving the Jelly Belly RV, and of course opening a business as a “retirement job” all require more planning. So talking to your financial planner and your family is a good idea before making any decisions, especially if the decision involves running a bed and breakfast in Costa Rica!

However, if done with careful forethought, a second career can be rewarding on many different levels and in ways that may have escaped you in your first career. I wish you luck, but in ten or twenty years, the Jelly Belly gig is mine!

Gesundheit!

2009-10-20T15:56:00.001-07:00

I met Ryan Schoenbeck, my partner in an upcoming leadership event, for coffee the other day to catch up after his trip to Florida. He recounted to me his flight home, on which there were three people in the row behind him, speaking in a vile and negative manner. Of course as he was at 40,000 feet in a 400 mile-per-hour pressurized can, his options to find different company was severely limited. As they continued, he realized their negativity was souring his mood.

After several minutes of trying to ignore this unwelcome exchange, he put on a pair of headphones to soothe his by now sour mood. As he listened to some music, he had an epiphany. How does our mood, the image we project to others, and ultimately the way we interact with those around us affect and effect others?

When a person sneezes, their germs can travel 12 to 15 feet. I find it interesting that this is roughly the distance the normal speaking voice is heard. In our society, it is considered polite to cover our mouth when we sneeze or cough. Of course, this custom developed to prevent the spread of disease.

If a person were to sneeze in public without covering their mouth, everyone around them would at least provide a disapproving look, and someone might even have a few choice words for the offender. I find it both interesting and sad that we rarely take the same care with our emotional health. We insist that others take care not to pass their sickness to us and our families, but we don’t take the same care with our emotional health.

While we might encourage a person to prevent disease by covering their mouth when they sneeze, with a look or even verbally correcting them, we are very unlikely to change their attitude for the better using the same tactic. So how do we inoculate ourselves against unhappiness and a sour outlook?

The first, most obvious way is to look after our own attitude. Are we passing along kind words, positive thoughts, tenderness, beauty, the capacity to dream, strength, a smile? We have plenty to help us, art, literature, music, inspirational and uplifting movies, and the stories of those empowering people that live all around us. My personal favorite are quotes from those who express such an outlook.

We can’t force others to behave in a healthy way, but as we monitor our own behavior, we can choose to associate with those who try to live and express themselves in a loving and positive manner. For those relationships we have that are neither positive nor uplifting, we can choose to be loving and supportive that they may also become healthy.

I wish to leave you this week with the following quote from psychologist and philosopher William James, “The greatest discovery in our generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds can change the outer aspects of their lives.” May all of your lives become what you dream them to be, but if that is not to be, be able to say your life fueled and supported the dream of another.

Living with Loss

2009-10-15T08:14:00.001-07:00

Like many of you, I have had to deal with loss of various kinds; jobs, loves, money, and now my most profound loss, that of my father. Before he was diagnosed with cancer, he knew he had the disease, before begin given the news it was terminal, he braced my mother and I for the reality he knew was coming. From the day he was given the formal diagnosis, he lived exactly 30 days.

There are people we run into in our lives that we intellectually know will one day pass away, emotionally you just can’t process the thought of them not being there. My Dad was one of those people. Stoic in hardship and inexorable in his ethos, but a lover of sweets and laughter; tough and rarely bending as a father, he was a natural grandfather. His loss has been difficult for all who knew him.

It is from this frame of mind that I offer the following to help you get through the grief in your life in a healthy, even positive, manner. In the first few days, as your grief is raw, try to get through day-by-day or even hour by hour if you have to. If you can’t sleep well, at least get plenty of rest. Keep your regular schedule as much as possible.

Eating with an eye to good nutrition as well as drinking plenty of water will give you energy and provide your body with the nutrients to stay physically healthy as you heal emotionally. Try to exercise, even if you are just walking, as the exercise will help relieve stress. Try to contact a support group that speaks to your loss and allow the loving people in your life to help you.

After the first few days, you may wish to help with the planning of the funeral or memorial service. If the service was pre-planned, then you can create a roadside memorial or plant a tree/flowers in memory of your loved one. However, make sure you check with local authorities or the landowner before you trespass.

In my Dad’s case, we set up a scholarship fund to send Boy Scouts who can’t afford it, to scout summer camp; however, donating to any cause important to the deceased in their name is appropriate. Along these same lines, performing acts of kindness to people you wouldn’t have usually in the memory of your loved one is a private way to honor their memory. Make sure you thank any medical or emergency personnel who cared for your loved one; they would likely have done so if they were able and even if they wouldn’t have, it will make you feel better.

These last few items really will increase your resilience, so try to do a few of them: volunteer your expertise or services to someone less fortunate, take a CPR or first aid class as it has the potential to help someone in the future. Last, make sure you tell your loved ones how much you love them and what they mean to you.

Life is finite and far too short, so most of us will experience the pain of losing someone important. It is my hope you will use these tips to be proactive and increase your resilience, then to heal when needed so you may more quickly get past the pain and only have left the special memories of your loved one.

The School bell has rung!!

2009-09-22T15:35:00.001-07:00

Well summer, with its picnics, play, and adventure has come to a close while Fall is rapidly approaching. With its arrival comes the lumbering school buses taking millions of school age children to the greatest gift society can bestow upon them; the gift of education. A large piece of the educative process is the effort of committed, involved parents and one of the tools involved parents use is the Parent-Teacher Night or Open House.

When I was a Senior in High School, both of my parents took me to Open House, met everyone of my teachers, and delivered the same message they had delivered to every teacher I ever had: “He won’t give you any trouble, but if he does, paddle his behind and then call us and he’ll get it again when he gets home.” As you might imagine, my parents never got a bad phone call about me! With the precedent set, my parents did the same for my siblings, who consequently, all graduated from High School and went on to college.

When you take an evening, missing (insert your favorite TV show) to meet your child’s teachers, you are showing them how important education is in your family. When this demonstration is coupled with a consistent message, and actions such as providing a quiet place to do homework and using the district provided Internet software to check their grades, children inculcate the lesson of how important education is to you. Another benefit of attending Open House is the opportunity to establish a relationship with the teachers and administrators in the school.

The research is clear; more than 60 studies have shown that when parents are involved in their children’s education, children do better in school. If a parent is actually involved in the school, such as volunteering in the school or in the PTA/PTO organization, then children go further in school and the schools they attend are better.

Many parents are involved in their child’s education when the child is in elementary school; but involvement tapers off through middle school and by the time the child hits high school, is virtually nonexistent outside attending an athletic contest or other extra-curricular event. Again the research is clear, parent involvement in the high school years had the most positive impact on academic success of the factors studied. The overarching message to a child becomes, “home and school are connected-and that school is an integral part of the whole family’s life.”

You can, and should, ask your child’s teachers for strategies and techniques to help you help your child succeed academically, such as how to keep homework assignments organized and how to set expectations that are high but realistic and constantly challenging. For example, if a child is forgetting to do half of their homework in a grading period, the goal should be to improve to only missing 25-30%, once you have achieved that goal, then move to only missing an assignment very rarely.

For better or worse, one early gauge teachers, administrators, and children use to determine the interest level a family has in the child’s education is whether they come to Open House, so make sure you attend. If there is a very good reason you can’t attend that night, then make an appointment to conference with the child’s teachers to gather the information and chance to connect you missed out on. An education is the best gift you can give a child, and your taxes pay for it, get all you can for your dollar!

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. You can book him as a speaker at www.leadright.net. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

Taking her fate into her own hands

2009-09-08T14:20:00.001-07:00

Last week I had the pleasure of spending an evening with friends, both new and old, in support of FORCE (Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered). I was invited to the benefit by an incredible woman I met in my acting class. A beautiful, talented, vivacious woman who has shown she is made of iron.

As an organization, FORCE’s mission is to help women find out if they are at a higher risk for breast and ovarian cancers due to genetic risk factors. They also help provide information about the medical options for women living with this higher risk, and provide support for both women and their families in the pursuit of these options. They help underserved populations with everything from information to resources such as clinical trials, while promoting research in hereditary cancers.

Hereditary breast cancer is caused primarily by mutations in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. Not all mutations will result in cancer but when each of our copies of our damage repairing genes are damaged then when genes become damaged, cancer can develop. In this case, if a woman knows she has a mutation in the BRCA genes, then she realizes her risk of eventual breast and ovarian cancers rise.

For many women, having this information is certainly frightening and disconcerting, but it is also very empowering. You can’t fight what you don’t know about and in this case information provides these women the opportunity in large measure to take their fate into their own hands. If you have ovarian or breast cancer in your first or second generation family you should at least consult with your doctor about genetic testing.

Due to medical advances, women now have a number of options when faced with this news. If it is determined a woman’s hereditary risk is ovarian cancer then she has several options. One of these options is to take oral contraceptives as this has been shown to lower the risk for ovarian cancer. At the other end of the treatment scale is a “prophylactic oophorectomy” which is the removal of healthy ovaries or she can have a “bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy” (BSO). While some consider these surgeries drastic, they have been shown to be an effective way to lower the cancer risk.

If the genetic risk is determined to be breast cancer, then similar to ovarian cancer risk, there is a spectrum of options. One of these options is close surveillance under which a woman begins self-breast exams at 18 and clinical exams bi-annually at 25. There are also procedures such as MRI and “ductal lavage” that should be discussed with your doctor. While it is possible for men to have breast cancer, even high-risk men are at a lower risk than high-risk women.

The most drastic method of breast cancer prevention is a mastectomy. Today there are many kinds of mastectomies and several options as to reconstruction. Again if you are determined to be at high risk genetically then you should have a conversation, or several conversations with your doctor about these options. You can find further information at www.facingourrisk.org.

Of course, nothing in this column should be thought of as a substitute for professional medical advice. My intent is to pass along the work of a great support group, to start a conversation amongst ourselves and hopefully prompt many conversations between women and their doctors.

Thank you to Everyone

2009-09-08T11:22:00.001-07:00

I wish to thank everyone for the prayers and well-wishes as my father makes his journey through hospice. He is mostly pain-free and while he would like more time, as any of us would, he is in good spirits and in peace with his journey. If how to die well is the last lesson the dying give the living, then Dad is providing a heck of a final lecture.

My Mom is doing as well as can be expected and is taking great care of Dad. For all of us who are married, their love story continues and continues be an inspiration. We are very lucky to have both of them as parents.

If you get the chance, a message to Mom on Facebook, or if you know her, a phone call or email would be very welcomed I am sure.

I will keep everyone updated as Dad walks his journey, and I’m sure all of you will understand if we don’t get back to you right away, but we will as time allows.

The Loss of a Child

2009-09-01T17:58:00.001-07:00

Most lives are filled with love and wonderful memories, that are unfortunately punctuated by periods of grief and sadness. For many, the highest joy we can feel is that of having a child; loving, and being loved, so unconditionally. It may be obvious then, the deepest pain we can feel is when as a parent, we lose a child.

Part of this pain stems from our belief the natural order of life is that parents precede their children in death much in the way parents have preceded children in the other stages of life. A friend of mine, who has lost three children, made several beautiful, poignant, observations to me as I prepared to write this column. The first of these observations is, “When you bury your children you bury your future.”

Another observation is, “To bury your children is not normal no matter their age or yours!” While I do not wish to put words in her mouth I believe she is telling parents who have lost a child, they are not going crazy; life has been turned on its head, but eventually, as one expert put it, “you will find a new normal.”

However, my friend also provides us gentle wisdom, “Don't obsess on the moment of their death, focus on their life instead or else you will be defining them by their death instead of their life.” Another parent who lost her 21 year old son to a drunk driver, passed on something I have written in the past in other circumstances, but in this context carry more power, “I am so glad I told him I loved him before he left. It is true be careful of what you say to someone. It may be the last words you speak.”

Both of these parents talked about enjoying talking about their children, the deceased and the living; however, they know that sometimes people are cautious or uncomfortable knowing how to go about it.

I feel the same inadequacy writing this column as one might have in talking to a parent who has lost a child. My advice is limited to the following: if you have lost a child, please seek out a support group. There are many out there, some faith based, others that are strictly secular.

Every parent I talked to that went to a support group found it helpful. Grieving is different for each person, and as such, takes its own path and its own time. There is no “right” way to grieve as long as the bereaved does not engage in destructive behaviors. If you have such concerns, address your concerns openly and honestly with the person and suggest they get professional help through their grieving process.

If you know someone who has lost a child, providing meals for a time and listening to the bereaved parents talk is very helpful. Encourage the remembrance of happy memories and share some of your own. Be aware of milestones, such as graduations, birthdays and anniversaries. A phone call or card can mean so much during these times. If the parents have other children, offer to spend time babysitting or just spending time with those children to give the parents a chance to grieve without the constant worry of taking care of other children.

In the end, the most important advice I have applies to all of us at all times. Love those around you; tell them constantly and unequivocally you love them with your words, and show them with your actions. Life is always too short for anything less.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is available for speaking events and workshops on goal setting, leadership, team building and romance, and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

Road Trip!!!!

2009-08-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

With the end of summer almost here and Labor Day coming up, many families will be taking their last vacations for the summer. To save the money for airfare and the hassles of a crowded airport, many families in America decide to drive to their destination. The downside of such trips can include being crowded into a cramped vehicle for hours with everyone just wanting to arrive.

A couple years ago Dawn and the kids and I drove from Idaho to Michigan for a family reunion. As with most things, we did some things right, but there were few things I wanted a “do over.” For example, I wish we had taken some time to see more things along the way. Of course this would have either added to the length of the trip or limited our time with family. In our case, because the kids do well academically, I would have opted to extend the trip a day or two.

This brings me to my first suggestion, take plenty of time. Adding a day or two to your trip is not likely to break the bank, or in the case of trips during the school year, cause your kids to become high school dropouts. If you can, arrange to get any schoolwork they will miss before you go and they can do the work while on the road. This has the added advantages of keeping the kids mostly quiet and allows you to help them and be involved in their education process.

In this same vein, try to stop at places of educative value and places you are not going to see very often. We made the mistake of not going 50 miles out of our way to go to Mt. Rushmore, but one time we stopped at a small town festival we ran across and it was really a lot of fun, with great food and incredible hospitality.

If at all possible, travel in a vehicle big enough for the length of the trip. We were in our suburban that allowed the kids to spread out a bit. Please make sure everyone keeps their seatbelts on, trouble can find you quickly on the road.

Technology has found its way into road trips. GPS has had the benefit of keeping us from getting lost, but unfortunately we miss out on the adventure of getting lost and the camaraderie of figuring it out together. We did not have a DVD player or one of the entertainment center so many vehicles have these days, but one of the kids brought a portable DVD player that had been a Christmas present. I don’t know who bought it for them or how much it was; but when the kids got tired, or Dawn and I wanted a little time to talk to each other, that person was my nominee for “Person of the Year.”

On long trips, we have found it a lot of fun to take one route there, and another route home. We haven’t found it to take that much more time, the new scenery makes it seem like two trips in one and well worth the effort. A little planning allows you to take advantage of more scenic destinations along the way.

Long trip or short, family or fun, school year or summer vacation, road trips with your family can be a fun and fairly inexpensive way to spend quality time and see some of the wonderful sites our nation has to offer. My family wishes you all a safe trip with the sun in your face and a fair wind to your back. Bon Voyage!

Restaurant Behavior

2009-08-12T11:57:00.001-07:00

For many parents, there are few events that fill them with greater dread than the misbehavior or worse, meltdown, of a child in a crowded restaurant. Of course, being in public with your well-behaved children will often lead to praise and congratulations to both the parents and the children from appreciative fellow restaurant patrons.

People who know I write this column, often make the observation to me that children are not as well behaved as they once were. I don’t know if this is true or just seems true, but I will say that we are in public far more than our grandparents, and we certainly eat out more than our parents or grandparents generations did. With most of us taking our kids into public more often than the past we open ourselves to more chances of meltdown.

However, this also means we have more chances to work on behaving appropriately and politely in public. I must confess I do not have much experience with my kids misbehaving in public. I was spoiled in that our kids usually picked up on their surroundings and acted appropriately. When MarkII was a toddler we were quick to correct his behavior, but we also did some things to set him up for success.

His early success led to people complimenting his behavior and he quickly figured out that if he wanted to be praised he just had to be good in public. By the time the twins came around, they just watched their older brother and followed his lead. Usually if the kids were too rowdy in public it was because I had instigated it!

Success in public is tied to success in private and I maintain there are some things you can do to help yourself and your child. Consistency of both expectations and consequences is something that must be part of your discipline system. Having Mom and Dad on the same page is also critical. You don’t like to serve two bosses at the same time and neither do your kids.

When the kids are behaving well, provide plenty of attention and positive reinforcement. Pointing out a kid’s success is a lot more pleasant for everyone than correcting mistakes and the lesson lasts longer. Use other children’s behavior to highlight what you expect from your kids. Although, once in a crowded restaurant, a child had melted down and the mother was trying to get the kid outside. During a lull in the melee, my youngest son, who at the time was three years old, loudly pointed out, “Daddy, that boy needs a beatin’!” The woman and I were both mortified, but the older couple behind us dang near had a stroke from laughing.

Some other helpful suggestions: try to go out when your kids are well rested and if you can’t go to a restaurant where they have a playground for kids to burn off some steam and be with other kids. From the time the kids could talk, I had trivia questions I would ask from history and science. The kids would stay entertained and after a time, could answer questions that again brought positive attention from other patrons who would overhear the exchanges.

Most of the kids I see who are misbehaving, in or out of restaurants, do so because they want an adults’ attention. If they can get it through positive means, great, but if they have to get it in a negative manner, so be it. Make sure you aren’t so wrapped up in adult conversation or your own needs that you forget to make the evening enjoyable for them as well.

Sure you’re who you say you are…

2009-08-05T10:20:00.001-07:00

This week I had the pleasure of talking to one of my high school classmates; but the conversation was blunted by the harrowing, frustrating, tale he had to tell. Two years ago, he and his wife had their identity stolen making a purchase at a local mall.

It took two weeks for them to realize their identity had been stolen; and they only found out when a Wal-Mart employee called to check a credit application that looked strange. After finding out, my friend cancelled credit cards and sent out letters to the credit checking agencies. This barely began to stop the nightmare.

During that two weeks, the thieves managed to steal over 250,000 dollars, and came within a postage stamp of taking out a second mortgage on my friend’s house. The thieves sold the identity after it was stolen, and one of the buyers managed to obtain a driver’s license that was a very good copy of my friend’s, with the exception it had the buyer’s picture.

The buyer then went to a jewelry store to buy a $5800 necklace. The cashier checked the ID, then called the “safe number” my friend set up after reporting the theft. When she began talking to my friend, in Texas, she confirmed her suspicions, as she was in Virginia! Thieves, using my friend’s credit, have purchased at least three vehicles.

Credit is usually stolen in one of the following ways: going through your trash, stealing your information with a special storage device when you make a purchase, by pretending to be a financial institution thereby convincing you to reveal personal information, stealing your wallet, or using false pretences to get banking institutions or utilities to divulge your information. Once they have one piece of your information, they will use that to get other information to make a more complete picture. Once they have enough information, identity thieves can get a job using your social, open utilities accounts in your name, commit all kinds of bank fraud in your name, and even give your name to police if they get arrested.

The government website, www.ftc.gov, has lots of useful information about preventing identity theft and what to do if your identity is stolen. In brief, you should file a police report, check your credit reports, notify your creditors, and begin to challenge any disputed charges already on your accounts. Time is of the essence because identity thieves act quickly, knowing you will take these steps once you realize you are a victim.

If your identity has not been stolen, consider getting identity insurance. Most insurance companies have policies that will help pay to restore your credit and good name. However, if you purchase the policy after you are a victim, then the insurance is far less effective, because the insurance won’t cover you between the theft and purchasing the policy, and you will have a difficult time convincing the insurance company it wasn’t related to the earlier theft.

My friend and his wife are still recovering two years later. It has taken a huge toll on them, their relationship, their kids and of course their finances. Every time they think they are at the bottom, a new hit appears on their credit. I hope you make it a point to safeguard your information and check your credit reports often just like a medical checkup.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@leadright.net.

Temper, Temper

2009-07-24T19:38:00.001-07:00

For the first year of writing my column I had my own idea of what information I needed to pass along, and what topics needed to be addressed. But after talking to family, friends, and readers I will likely never meet, I came to realize I am much more effective when I write about the challenges my readers have on their minds. So, I began asking readers, former classmates and social networking site friends, what topics they needed me to research and address. Such is the case this week.

One of my high school classmates posed the question, “Do temper tantrums change over the years from the ages of two to fifty?” While her question is somewhat tongue in cheek, the answer is a bit more complicated. When children are small, approximately from one until three years of age, they, like the rest of us, wish to control their world. Unfortunately, they are largely unable to do so.

In addition to constantly being inundated by a great deal of visual and auditory stimulus, and a limited ability to process the stimuli, they are less able to express frustration. So the first suggestion from the experts is to try to avoid situations of lots of stimulus when kids are tired, hungry, etc. Try to give kids positive choices over little things and consider the child’s requests and accommodate when you can. Last, make sure you are providing LOTS of attention for positive behavior.

For adults, tantrums are a seemingly more common occurrence, and likely for some of the same reasons children have them. When adults are stressed beyond their capacity to process their stressors they can melt down into a tantrum. Almost all of us have seen the person at the airline ticket counter who, when facing the prospect of missing a flight or being delayed, goes into meltdown. In a world moving ever faster, and more visual and auditory stimulus competing for our processing capacity, it is little wonder that those with limited self-control and maturity will succumb.

The commonality between children and adults doesn’t end at the causes for a tantrum. Adults prone to tantrums should self-monitor to avoid becoming over tired or allowing blood sugar levels to drop too low. Key to dealing with anyone in the throes of a tantrum is to stay calm and avoid feeding into the tantrum. This is especially true with an adult, as they can become dangerous if they become physically violent.

With both adults and children, make sure you do not give to their tantrums. If a child throws a fit when asking for a toy or a treat, let them know that while you might have allowed it, you will not give the item this time, but maybe next time if they can behave. With an adult, if you see the tantrum coming, you can leave the room. If there isn’t an audience, they have no one to feed on. Another tactic for both is to try to distract them by getting them away from the stimulus causing the outburst; this can be especially effective in children because of their shorter attention spans.

Last, when the tantrum is over, speak to the tantrum thrower in a loving and age appropriate manner. Explain it hurts you to see them in such a state and you hope they will allow you to help them. For a child, keep in mind tantrums are usually short lived in the grand scheme of things, and for an adult, reminding them that such outbursts can drive away the people who care the most can sometimes cause them to rethink their actions. In both cases, don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you believe it’s needed.

The Blanket Ladies

2009-07-20T11:43:00.001-07:00

The best part about my job as a leadership speaker, is that I get to give of myself to the audiences I speak to; addressing problems they are facing, and inspiring them to overcome those challenges. The next best part though is that sometimes, many times, they inspire me right back.

Recently I spoke to a men’s breakfast group at a church in the nearby community of Liberty Hill, Texas. The church was founded in 1854, and the building, while going through additions and renovations, has parts dating from 1870 and is listed as a Texas historic site. The church has served as both a public school and a Masonic lodge in its early history.

After my talk, I was given “the nickel tour” by my hosts. As a historian, I was in hog heaven (no pun intended). The church still has a bell in the steeple and the kids get to ring the bell at the end of services every week. The stained glass in the church was begun in 1918 and finally completed in 2004 and is absolutely beautiful.

However, for all the church’s history and physical beauty, what inspired me is a particular project the ladies of the church have undertaken over the last several years. Many of the ladies in the church make blankets for Project Linus. In case you haven’t heard, Project Linus provides blankets to children in need of warmth, security and love. Nationally, to date over three million blankets have been given to children undergoing hospitalization, who are abused or entering the foster care system, or children whose lives have been interrupted when the police have been called because of parents who are abusing each other.

While the cause is certainly a worthy one and warmed my heart, what inspired me, and frankly blew me away, was the stories of the ladies themselves. For example, a couple of the ladies are in their 80s and still making blankets. Another lady suffered a stroke, but told her fellow blanket makers “Don’t worry, I’ll be a little slower now, but I’ll get my blankets done.” And she does. Yet another has arthritis so bad she can’t hold a regular crochet hook, so she had someone modify the hook, making the handle larger so she can hold it and still make blankets.

One of the ladies has made over 180 handmade blankets, and several others are well over 100 blankets. Local police officers carry the blankets in their cars; hospitals have them on hand, and CPS officials always make sure to have a few as well. The women get thank you notes on occasion addressed to “The Blanket Lady,” and those notes help them stay focused on the needs of the child that will one day use the blanket for warmth of body and strength of soul.

I urge all of you to give of yourselves, as all of us have something beautiful inside us that we should share with another. While the direct payoff is to the people we help, we also receive the blessing. Our resilience is increased, our families are served by our good example, and our community is strengthened; paying its own dividend to us in ways we may never fully realize.

Ladies, my hat is off, my head bowed, and my heart filled by your example. Thank you.

Frequent flyer miles for Cupid?

2009-07-17T11:11:00.001-07:00

Earlier today as I began to write, I noticed an article that people were moving less due to the recession, in fact moving less than anytime in the last several decades. Perhaps not surprising, is the trend that many couples are living apart while one continues in a job and the family home, the other partner lives in another city chasing work, the family unable to move entirely to one city or the other.

I didn’t realize how many people I know, who are engaged in a long distance relationship. Not counting my former soldiers who are serving in Afghanistan, my oldest son is dating a girl who lives in Iowa, but goes to school in Texas, while my son lives in Texas and goes to school in Florida. I have a friend who just moved his wife of three months with him while they still try to sell her house in Houston.

As you might imagine, marriage and relationship experts have some advice for those of you who are either already in this situation or for those of you considering such an arrangement. The first thing they suggest, is for those not married make sure you define what you relationship will and won’t be. How exclusive will each of you commit to being with the other?

For all couples, married or not, long distance or not, the key to the relationship is communication. Keep lines of communication open and constantly try to find new ones. One idea for all of us, is to write 10 things per day you appreciate about your partner and then give all 70 things to your partner at the end of the week.

When I travel, I use this trick; I take my wife’s pillow case on my pillow. Then I can smell her as I sleep, and it keeps me really connected to her while I have to be away.

Keep a daily journal. It will encourage you think about your feelings, will provide a personal history for the two of you to review one day, and will hopefully spur the two of you to discuss your expectations from each other while apart and the expectations you have when you are about to be together again.

Continue to be honest about your fears and challenges while separated. Make sure you are living up to being a good partner. You can’t control the actions of others, even those you love, but you can control your own. Be the partner/spouse/ lover you want and you might be surprised at how much you get in return. There are a number of websites where you can have a photograph of the two of you turned into a jigsaw puzzle. Then mail your spouse a few of the pieces every day.

The Internet is a great communication tool for separated lovers. You can email, instant message, chat, even talk on the phone, or view live video of the other as well, all via the Internet.

Most of us will have a long distance relationship at least once in our lives, with a lot hard work, understanding and commitment, your relationship can not only survive separation, it can thirve. Remember, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

To graduate early or not to graduate early- that is the question!

2009-07-17T11:09:00.001-07:00

The other day I had to drop by the kids’ high school counselor, to see what classes they ended up with for what would have been the girls’ Junior, and Matthew’s Sophomore year. As the counselor handed me the kids’ schedules she noticed something odd on Meagan’s schedule. This prompted her to take back the sheets and double-check them.

Between moving schools from Coeur d’ Alene to Austin, and taking dual credit classes, the girls got a bit ahead. I found out that if the girls take their Senior English class after the school day this coming year, they will graduate a year early. This realization left us with several options, all of which have a potentially significant downside.

If the girls graduate early, they will miss one year of their “High School Experience.” In their case, they are each in sports and FFA, but competing at the Collegiate level is not something they want. If this is important to your student, they probably want to stay in high school.

They will also be leaving friends behind a year sooner than they would otherwise have to, but both realize this was inevitable given they plan to go out of state for school, hopefully internationally. Last, we are really scrambling to apply for admission and financial aid a year earlier than we planned.

If they take the English class over the summer, between their Junior and Senior years, then they would not be able to “walk” with a graduating class. While not a deal breaker, the girls decided they wanted to attend the ceremony.

Another option was to take only the English class at the high school their Senior year. We were concerned about having one foot in the college student stage of life and another foot in the high school stage, being excited about moving on but having to tidy-up the last high school requirement.

With them graduating early, we will have them at home with us one year to guide their early University experience, helping them to adjust to a new mindset. While NIC’s program of dual enrollment was a great start for MarkII, the transition to a University was still significant.

This will mean they will attend a local University for what would have been their Senior year, then they will apply as transfer students to the University of their choice. In their case, they plan to attend the University of Texas in Austin for one year, with Meagan then applying to Oxford, and Bailey having yet to decide where to transfer. For us, this hiccup appears to have a happy ending, but it did make me reflect on how easily the girls’ education could have been negatively impacted.

From our experience, I suggest to the parents of high schoolers, to make sure every summer you go talk to your child’s counselor; especially if your child is at either end of the educational spectrum. If your child is in AP, dual credit, International Baccalaureate classes, or has transfer credits, correspondence credits, or credits by exam, you need to make sure you know where your child stands for the same reasons we needed to. However, if your child is in danger of not having enough credits to graduate, then staying on top of where they stand allows for earlier intervention and keeps options open.

Communication with teachers and school counselors is critical to your child leaving high school behind with the best chance at higher education and life success. For this reason make sure you don’t put your kids on “auto-pilot” during high school. Keep your hands on the stick, get them off the ground in good flying condition, and then watch them soar!

A Tasty Legacy

2009-07-04T16:13:00.001-07:00

During summer holidays or long weekends, my father would put a brisket, or rack of ribs on our family barbeque pit. Dad’s barbeque pit is a thing of beauty, even by Texas standards, the meat compartment of our pit must be six feet long, has a separate firebox to provide, dry, indirect heat, and is mounted on a double-axle trailer. The trailer itself is large enough to carry the wood to smoke a side of beef, several pigs’ worth of baby back ribs, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The meat for a family get-together was chosen carefully at the store, and Dad was not above going to as many stores and butcher shops as it took to find quality meat. He was equally picky about the wood he used. He always had a supply of mesquite, pecan, and a variety of hard and fruit tree woods to impart the right nuances of flavors he wanted. He was always collecting, and making his own, rubs, marinades, and sauces. He even was an award-winning cook on a barbeque team that competed in Texas, Oklahoma and Louisiana.

Hours around the pit were spent adjusting the airflow and adding wood, sometimes deep into the night, to keep a constant, low heat. That time was also spent talking with my Dad about politics, religion, ethics, morality, movies, girls, family, scouting, school, and a million other important and not so important topics. Because as a teenager, my stomach often over ruled my brain, I’m not sure I realized it at the time, but as I write this, I have come to know that those hours and the sleep deprived nights, were one of the myriad of ways he showed our family his love for us.

So of course, now that it has become my turn to cook for such occasions, my first phone call was to my Dad. He reminded me of a few things I would need to know, and even gave me a few of his special secrets. I found a good brisket that had a nice layer of fat, put a flavorful rub all over in a thick layer and wrapped it in aluminum foil, just as I had seen him do it a hundred times.

I had the pleasure of both my sons’ company during the process; they were able to help and learn a bit, just as I did over the years. We talked about politics, movies, girls, family, scouting, and school, leaving the heavier topics for another time. I woke up every few hours to make sure the temperature stayed constant while the boys slept, each of us knowing there will come a day when they will be the ones missing a little sleep.

Ten hours or so in a smaller version my Dad’s pit, eight of that sealed in the foil and the balance open so the smoke flavor would infuse into the meat, and the masterpiece was finished. My family and in-laws were very appreciative of the results, and I think Dad would have been impressed. However, I’m positive he is pleased to see his legacy in action.

Moving Day

2009-06-24T06:38:00.001-07:00

Americans have always been a nomadic people, ever since our ancestors came here from divergent places around the world. We still move on average, every five years. Largely, our moves are driven by the economy, mirroring our career moves. Sometimes we move due to divorce, and sometimes moving is a catalyst for divorce. Summertime is the most common time of year for moving, partly because kids are out of school and the weather is good.

Recently I was asked to help someone move their things out of a rental property they sold. The day was difficult because they were not prepared for the help when it arrived, and didn’t have a plan. To be fair, moving is a stressful time and almost never goes as you envision or hope it will.

In the hopes of saving some of you the pain we endured, allow me to make the following suggestions when contemplating a move:

Don’t do it! Convince everyone else to move where you are. If that sounds like a lot of work, remember the last time you lifted the couch rearranging the living room furniture, only to throw out your back?
If you are unsuccessful convincing your new company and your family to move near you, then begin by deciding whether you will hire someone to move your stuff, will you do it on your own, or some combination of the two? If you decide to have someone move you, maybe your new employer will be willing to defray some or all of the moving expenses, and often you can claim moving expenses when filing your income taxes. Whatever you decide, make sure you thoroughly investigate the moving company.
As you begin your plan, start with a timeline of when tasks such as renting a truck, or turning off utilities at your old place and turning them on at the new place, need to happen.
Make a checklist to help you keep everything straight. It is very unlikely you will remember everything; but in the stress of moving, you may forget something very important without a checklist.
Make a list of those things you do not want other people to move, those things you don’t want on the main truck because you will need them immediately, or things you are leaving behind.
Consider a garage sale a few weeks out from your move. You will lessen the amount you have to move and may make a tidy sum at the same time.
If you are towing a car, make sure your car will fit on the trailer you are renting, and then make sure the towing vehicle can safely pull the loaded trailer. Make sure your car insurance or homeowners insurance will cover you as you are driving the rental truck. If not, consider the rental truck insurance.
Once you arrive at your new home, consider replacing flooring or painting, if needed, while the home is empty of furniture. While another stressor, you won’t have to move the furniture in and out of the house in the first couple of months.

Moving is something most of us will do several times in our lives, and for most this will never become pleasant; but with some planning and “a little help from our friends”, our move can go smoothly while providing an opportunity for new family adventure. Just don’t attempt it during a Texas summer!

Water Safety

2009-06-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

When I was eleven years old, I saw a boy drown. As a brand new Boy Scout, I helped adults try to save his life. When he didn’t make it, I determined I would never see another person drown.

Two years later, I barely weighed 100 pounds with five pounds of shot in my pocket. Despite the concerns of my parents, in June of 1978, I took Lifesaving merit badge at a Boy Scout summer camp much like our own at Camp Easton. I passed the merit badge, came home on a Saturday, then on Sunday saved a girl from drowning while we were at a family reunion. There is no doubt my training saved my life and hers.

Accidents in the water are all too common in America. Part of our propensity for trouble around the water is that we love the water so much. People will swim, dive, fish, canoe, kayak, tube, boat, ski and scuba dive in any body of water big enough to hold them and their chosen activity. We will do these activities without lifeguards, no thought to preparing and inspecting the swim area, with little to no adult supervision, in spite of poor environmental and weather conditions. All too often, our activities around water involve the use of a substance we in the South refer to as “ignorant oil”; most other places in the US know this substance as alcohol.

Given that 97 percent of US children ages 8 to 12 say they have been swimming in the last year, it is not surprising the CDC reports there are roughly 5,000 drownings or near drownings per year in the US. With drowning claiming 859 children under 14, drowning was the second leading cause of injury related death of children as of 2001, despite a 40 percent decrease over the previous decade; seventy-five percent of these drownings occurred because of a lapse of parental supervision. You may be surprised to know that most drownings happen both quickly and silently.

Under the best circumstances water rescues are dangerous, should only be attempted by trained personnel, and then only with equipment. The number of drownings that are double drownings are a testament to the danger involved. Far better is to prevent the need for a water rescue at all. With the summer sun and the water calling, please do these simple things before having fun around the water.

· Please adequately supervise your children. Many children drown while in the presence of one or both parents. Children can drown in the time it takes you to answer the phone, not talk on it. Do not play cards, make lunch, or go get lemonade while watching your kids in the water. Do not read or drink alcohol while children are in the water.

· The Red Cross and most YMCAs provide swim lessons for kids and training for parents on how to conduct water activities safely. These classes are very inexpensive, especially when you consider the ability to swim is a lifelong skill providing confidence and safety.

· You can make or buy simple devices to help in case of an emergency such as a shepherd’s crook, or a gallon jug with some water in the bottom for weight tied to a good nylon rope.

· Use life vests if boating. Yes, I know you don’t like them. I usually don’t either which is why an investment in a good PFD that fits properly is such a good idea. If you have a boating accident many times you will not have the time to grab a life jacket and if you have little eyes around you can bet your bottom dollar they are looking to your example.

Almost anything that can be done is more fun when you do it in the water, but please do it safely or it can cost you your life; or worse, the life of someone you love.

D-Day Anniversary

2009-06-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

Last week our nation, and much of Europe, celebrated the 65^th anniversary of the D-Day

landings. As I watched the speeches from Normandy, and the specials on the History channel, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “Does the world still produce such men?” Each of us can have our own answer to the question and I don’t purpose to hash it out here.

While I would have guessed the number to be much higher, World War II veterans only made up roughly ten percent of the nation’s population in 1945; as of 2006 there were only slightly more than 3 million surviving. Growing up, I only knew three WWII veterans. I should say, three I knew well. One was my Great-Uncle Ralph, and the two others were adult leaders in Boy Scout Troop 143 in Conroe, Texas. From my Uncle I learned a zest and love of life and humor, while the other two gentlemen taught me about adventure, the beauty of the outdoors, and reinforced the lessons my father provided on how to be a good man.

While I am historian enough to know that the soldiers, sailors, marines, and airmen who fought against the Axis saved the world from a darkness we might never have come out of; I am tempted to argue the service they performed as citizens upon coming home has been of as great of value. When they came home, they enrolled in colleges and universities in greater numbers than at any time in our history, providing our nation with an educated workforce that brought to light technologies their parents could not have dreamed.

I do not wish to forget the spouses and sweethearts they left and came back to and then built lives with. Without the women who provided goods manufacturing, war support and morale, the prosecution of the war would have likely been impossible. Like their veteran, these women continued service to nation as a way of life, by helping to heal those scarred by their war and raising the generation who would finally push civil rights over the tipping point.

They built and bought homes, largely thanks to VA loans, in staggering numbers. The high percentage of homeowners changed our economy, and our attitudes about home ownership and personal finances. Many of them, having experienced true terror, found the courage to risk enough to start their own businesses and became captains of industry.

For many of them, civic activism and service became a way of life and they found themselves drawn to politics. From the early 1950s through the early 1980s, it was virtually impossible for a non-veteran to beat a veteran in almost any election, and it wasn’t until the early 1990s that we had a President who was a non-veteran.

If you have never been to the beaches of Normandy, you cannot appreciate the feats done there in early June 1944. Go see the landing site and cemetery if you possibly can. Like the Battle of Thermopylae, I believe the beginning of the end of WWII, will echo through the ages.

These veterans, whom we owe for so much more than their war records, are leaving us in ever-increasing numbers. The last service they may provide for our nation is to continue a debate on whether the development and defense of societal ideals, and love of service, are born through the sacrifice of hardship and separation during prolonged national emergency, or is it possible to develop these traits without enduring the heat. If so, how do we propose to make it happen? If you do not know a WWII vet, please get to know one.

Sum, sum, sum, summer time fun!

2009-06-02T17:42:00.001-07:00

Every year in the US, millions of school kids end a school year of reading books, writing papers and doing math problems. As important, or maybe more important to the development of a child, is the growth in logic systems and imagination. No less than the eminent physicist Albert Einstein commented, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”

While formal schooling provides it’s own set of growth opportunities, as a parent you can provide other opportunities for imagination building, physical fitness and cultural growth. Here are a few ideas:

Make a lemonade stand. There are several organizations to help with plans and advice as well as charities who benefit from the proceeds of lemonade stands each year. Great opportunity to learn about most of the aspects of running a small business. Don’t forget to check your municipality to see if you need a permit.

Build a fort or tree house. This provides a chance to learn building techniques and historical fort construction. An internet search will provide a plethora of plans, from historical scale projects to playhouse style forts made from old fence pickets. You can use “the fort” as a reason to study history, “a castle” to study literature, and both to fire an imagination.

Take a hike. Almost everywhere in the US families will find interesting hikes local to them where families can see art and architecture, flora and fauna, and even opportunities for a small community service project.

Take swimming lessons. Everyone should know how to swim, and organizations like the Red Cross and YMCA provide lessons for thousands of children every year.

Go to outdoor art exhibits or plays. Most communities have art exhibits or sales in local parks, and some community theatre groups perform plays in the parks during the summer. These can be a great way to introduce your family to the great playwrights and their works. I never liked Shakespeare in particular, or theatre in general, until I saw a play in London at Shakespeare’s New Globe Theatre; but my son, Mark who was with me, has always loved both.

Enroll in a personal growth class at a local community college such as photography or sculpture. Being on campus and the interaction with college students is worth the price of the class if your child comes to think of higher education as something everyone does and is expected of them. Beyond that is the growth due to obtaining a new skill that maybe far removed from anything they have done before.

These are just a few of the activities you can enjoy with your kids during the summer, which will provide a fun, family friendly backdrop to spending time together. Academic information can be taught, family history passed on, and life lessons imparted. I know that most parents have to continue working during the summer, but with school out of session and no homework to worry about, it makes the planning a bit easier. Older kids can actually take the lead in planning events, providing another growth opportunity.

As a parent you only get a limited number of summers, don’t let a one slip by.

Watch Your &@%*$ Mouth!

2009-05-25T13:56:00.001-07:00

Most of us, at one time or another, have let loose with one or more expletives that would do the most seasoned sailor proud. Most of us recognize, that while there may never be a time or place to use such language, there are a plethora of situations we should refrain from swearing.

The other day I was in a home improvement store where I saw a woman walking with her husband, pushing her baby daughter in a stroller. Given my interest in families, I was pleased to see a young, loving family enjoying an afternoon together; imagine my surprise to read the “f-word” written prominently on the shirt in several places. My first thought was “she will need to get rid of that shirt before her beautiful daughter can read,” and that thought was quickly followed by “why is she not more considerate of other people, especially those with children, who read that shirt.”

Jim O'Connor, author of Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing says "In using profanity the speaker is usually just being lazy, avoiding having to use more descriptive words to express himself". "Cursing," O'Connor states, "does little to convey our real message or the fact that our education continued beyond the fifth grade. This laziness of language can have detrimental effects when it is directed at children. In fact, a number of researchers argue this use of language is tantamount to child abuse. Even when children do not show outward effects of verbal abuse, they still learn cursing as a preferred form of communication, and verbal abuse as an acceptable way to treat others.

Most children swear at some point as they are growing up. Often they swear not knowing what the word means, they are just imitating an adult. If they get a desirable reaction such as laughter, or attention for their choice of language, they are likely to repeat it. Before rushing to correct your child, make sure both parents are on the same page as to how important the issue is in your family.

If your child is young, often if you show that the word has no visible effect on you then your child will be less likely to use it again. If your child swears when angry, help him learn to express his anger in more effective language. This will likely take more patience than just punishing the bad behavior; however, in the long run this strategy will not provide your child an increased ability to constructively express feelings and deal with emotions. Suggesting words that are more effective than swear words can be helpful as well.

For older children, explaining why such language is not acceptable and why the use of swear words makes you unhappy. If the use of this language is to impress friends, then you are less likely to hear it so you will have to convince your child of the logic of your position, you won’t punish or reward your way there. However, after your child clearly understands your position on swearing and you have corrected your own language, then you should treat swearing as any other discipline problem.

A reasonable standard, clearly communicated consequences to misbehavior, consistently applied will provide the best chance for success. The challenge for all of us to not succumb to a culture in which swearing, poor emotional response and treating others with indifference is all too common.

To test or not to test, that is the question.

2009-05-18T07:17:00.001-07:00

More specifically, to test students for illegal drugs is the question; and the knock-down, drag-out fight, in some places. This topic came to the forefront for my wife and I last Monday, when our youngest daughter Meagan came home and announced she had been selected for a random drug test at school. At the beginning of the year, my wife signed the release allowing the school to test our kids as part of their random drug-screening program.

For a variety of reasons, we are confident our kids do not use drugs, smoke, or drink, and therefore for us (our kids included), we couldn’t care less if the kids are tested. However, if we had the slightest suspicion they were using any of those substances, we would want them tested so we could get them help. I spent an entire career being tested in the Army, my wife has been a teacher her entire career, and our oldest is embarking on a career as a Navy pilot. Given our career choices and family circumstances, you might understand why we didn’t realize the intensity of the debate over this issue.

When Meagan was tested, I began to look closer at the debate; and while I have not changed my mind on the topic, there are a number of contentious points raging across the education, legal and parenting communities. At the top of the list are the privacy issues; although so far, the Supreme Court has decided schools do have the right to randomly drug test students.

Another hotly contested issue is the efficacy of drug testing in reducing the numbers of drug users in school. Critics of drug testing argue kids will shift to designer drugs or prescription medications. I find the best argument against testing in its current form, is that we don’t test for enough substances; alcohol is by far the leading killer of teenagers in comparison to other drugs, and underage drinking costs the US more than $50 billion a year.

On the other side of the debate are those who argue for many kids, knowing they may be tested is both a deterrence and an “out” with their friends, as to why they can’t take drugs. They point out a kid who doesn’t use drugs has nothing to fear from submitting to a test. Further, if experimentation is fueled by peer pressure, then reducing drug use amongst athletes and other student leaders has a ripple effect across much of the student body.

My intent in this column is not to solve, or even advocate, one position over another; my purpose is to begin a conversation in our communities as to whether we wish to expand testing to include alcohol and tobacco, or continue testing our kids for illegal drugs at all. My guess is if you tested every kid, every single day, it would not have the impact of loving parents, modeling good behavior, and communicating the reasons behind that behavior, in a loving and honest way. When a teen’s parents talk to them regularly about the dangers of drug abuse, the teen is 42% less likely to use drugs, and 63% of teens who drink say they initially got the booze from their own, or a friend’s house. Let the debate continue.

Become like Gumby!

2009-05-11T14:19:00.001-07:00

If you will recall from your youth, Gumby was a claymation cartoon character who was very flexible. Like Gumby, we should all strive to be flexible, developing the ability to regain our original form after a tragedy. This is the definition of resilience.

There are few things in life a person can count on; but one of those things is the necessity of facing tragedy, either yourself, or a close loved one. While the bad news for us as emotional beings is the commonality of tragedy, the good news is the almost equal commonality of resilience in the face of such tragedy. One might even argue tragedy is necessary for our personal growth.

A testament to the universality of grief and resiliency came to me after I proposed this topic on my Facebook page. Several people wrote to me telling their own stories of grief, healing and resiliency. So the question becomes how do they, and by extension we, increase our capacity for bouncing back after tragedy and even becoming the stronger for having lived through the experience?

Mental health professionals counsel that resilience, or the ability to cope and even thrive, under difficult circumstances is a group of traits or a skill set anyone can develop. This development is best begun as a child, is never too late to develop and we should all be strengthening. Mentoring others to greater resilience is a good thing to practice, for it not only benefits the person you mentor, it reminds us how to be resilient during our own tragedies.

The American Psychological Association suggests ten ways to build resilience and the first is making connections. The love of family members and close friends is important, and should be cultivated long before tragedy strikes. If family is unavailable for some reason, then groups like faith based groups or civic organizations can be a source of strength.

Another trait to be developed before you need it is to develop a positive view of yourself. Developing self confidence and learning to trust your decision making processes is key to becoming resilient. Taking care of yourself physically, and emotionally, will provide some reserves of strength that may prove critical in a crisis.

When challenges occur, whether the loss of a loved one or a turn of economic fortune, try to keep the long-term perspective in mind and maintain a positive outlook. This allows you to believe that grief will not last forever, and challenges are not insurmountable.

Make a special point to continue to move toward your goals. If you don’t have written goals established, this is a good time to consider what they might be. Act upon those goals and take positive steps toward making them happen. The other half of goal achievement is the owning of circumstances that can’t be changed, and accepting that change is a part of living.

Last, look for opportunities for self discovery, as the grieving process is often an introspective and educative one. Much like saving money for a rainy day, the time to develop resiliency is when things are going well in your life and resiliency isn’t needed.

Along the path we travel, all of us experience grief, whether the sting of marital breakup or the knife thrust of losing a loved one. Know that we pain with you, but you are resilient and will come through the other side. Ask us for love and help today, so we may ask it of you tomorrow.

One More time on the Merry-Go-Round

2009-05-04T10:55:00.001-07:00

I realized as I looked at my columns over the past few months, that I haven’t written a column for the over 50 among us. To rectify this oversight I wish to provide some help and support to our parents and grandparents who while they enjoy these roles would also like to enjoy a role some of us take for granted: that of lover. Now before everyone gets their dander up, let me be clear; while I am not excluding sex from my definition of lover, I do not exclusively mean sex.

By lover, I mean lover in several connotations including companionship, dating, emotional connection, passion, and understanding. People in the US are living longer and in better health than at any time in our past. This has lengthened the time we can enjoy the various roles we play in life such as athlete, student, producer of work, parent, spouse, passionate and sexual being and so on.

Even the advent and popularity of the Internet has played a role with senior dating sites becoming very popular. A simple search reveals a number of sites that cater specifically to single seniors, although even these sites have their share of cheating seniors. Cheating aside, another problem the internet can’t solve is the fact that women outlive men and therefore more women are looking for love and companionship than men.

If you are a senior and have recently lost a spouse through either death or divorce, after you go through the grieving process, there are some very good reasons to be interested in finding a new love. There is a growing amount of research, demonstrating that being in a healthy relationship helps stave off everything from dementia and depression to heart disease. Besides, with families often separated as they move to chase careers, parents are often left to their own devices.

For those seniors willing to take a chance on finding love again and those who just want to have companionship, there are some things to keep in mind. While the internet is a wonderful tool, your friends, family, church, etc. are still better places to find someone. I say partly because of the scams perpetrated against seniors on online dating sites. If you use the internet, make sure it is a reliable dating service.

Before getting on the merry go round of love get a complete physical from your doctor so you know how fast you can ride, and then as appropriate, be honest with any potential partners about your health; in case you needed another reason for eating right, staying active and not smoking!

Next, remember the rules of dating and polite behavior still apply; just because the pharmacy gave you the ability to tag all the bases, doesn’t mean your new date wants to play ball, yet or ever. Talking about your exes or former spouses is ok if done in a limited way, and certainly remain respectful of that life together, but at the same time keep in mind that living in the past, regardless of how wonderful and special, can stifle the development of something beautiful.

When my grandfather passed away, he found a woman to share his remaining years. She wasn’t my grandmother, but she certainly provided him some happiness in his twilight. I wish the same for all of us.

The Close of another school year ends; another summer begins

2009-04-29T11:20:00.001-07:00

Several of my friends suggested topics for this week, and while a number of them were certainly worthy of being written about, I settled on reminding all of us that the arrival of spring brings with it, in a month or so, the end of the school year.

Personally, this means my daughters being asked to prom for the first time (although this is my last year of reprieve as neither are 16 yet). With mixed emotions, this summer marks the girls’ first college classes and our realization we are only three years from an empty nest. For many parents this marks a time of fervent activity in the form of summer sports and family activities. To our communities, this means another batch of teenagers driving to parties and prom nights, and another class of seniors preparing to move on to higher education or enter the workforce.

These realities force upon us, both as individual parents and as a community, the responsibility to have some earnest conversations with our high school students. The first conversation should concern our expectations of behavior as it relates to driving. While not the only item on the agenda of the driving conversation, drinking must be at the top of the list. Letting your teen know that drinking and driving, or getting in a vehicle with someone that has been drinking, is never acceptable and can lead to their death or the death of someone else.

I can hear some of you now, admonishing me, that teens know that handy tidbit of information and they are either going to heed it or they won’t, and therefore, it is unnecessary for parents to have that uncomfortable conversation. In response, I point to any number of studies, some of which were completed by the alcohol industry, that show teens who are reminded repeatedly, long before they can drive, are far less likely to drink and drive, especially if the parent models the desired behavior. This general idea works for any number of teen pitfalls, drinking, reckless driving, sex, drug use, to name a few.

Sitting your teen down to deliver a lecture isn’t nearly as effective as taking advantage of the topic popping up in conversation during a family dinner. Of course, this means in order to have the necessary, potentially lifesaving, conversations, your family will need to sit down to a meal together several times a week.

I suggest a family requirement of four nights a week. If your teen balks due to a schedule that would do the President proud, make it more palatable by allowing them to invite a friend. For the price of an additional place setting, you get valuable intelligence on who your teen is hanging around and both teens are more likely to let their guard down.

With kids being off school during the summer and presumably the parents still going to a normal work schedule, teens have more time on their hands. The old adage, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” certainly comes to mind. Keeping your teen busy with some kind of summer school, or a part time job can be helpful.

A curfew is another parental tool that should be used. Anyone out after midnight is much more likely to be killed than someone home by the witching hour and for teens the statistics are even clearer. The community can play a role by checking IDs before selling alcohol, and calling law enforcement to escort unruly teens, or those who are out too late, home to worried parents.

Summer is a wonderful time of the year, especially for a teen, more so for those about to embark on the next phase of life. Parents and the community at large, have a compelling interest to partner together to make sure the transition is a flawless one.

Parents, Get in the Game!

2009-04-21T14:46:00.001-07:00

I have recently written in this column about how pleased I am about being a coach for my daughters’ flag football team. Nothing has changed and I do love sharing this time and activity with my daughters, but I am still a bit piqued. Why, you might ask? I’m glad you did; allow me to share.

If you go to almost any organization, especially one involving children, you will find that 10 to 20% of the people do 90% of the work, and a sizeable portion of parents use the organization as a babysitting service. I cannot ascribe motive, largely because I am not privy to what goes on inside the head of another, and sometimes I’m not so sure what goes on in my own head.

But here are a few guesses: maybe parents feel they have nothing to contribute in comparison to the many talented and giving people who do step up to volunteer. Perhaps they convince themselves they have less time than those who take on volunteer roles. I hope the parent’s reasoning is they would like their kids to do an activity without a parent hovering nearby.

Whatever the reason, when parents fail to volunteer, attend activities such as games or even awards ceremonies, parents tell their kids where they fall in the pecking order of family life and children are often embarrassed. When parents fail to pick kids up on time from an event, organization leaders feel compelled, in the interest of safety if nothing else, to wait until parents do show up.

School based and extra-curricular activities are essential to the well-rounded development of a child and I encourage parents to enroll their children in as many of them as the family can while maintaining a healthy family/life/work balance. However, I also encourage as much parental participation as possible, and if there is a reason you can’t help out, such as you want some parent child separation, make sure the adult volunteers know this and make yourself available in other ways. Go out of your way to be helpful and pleasant, and always pick your child up on time.

I allow that single parents, those folks in financial difficulty and grandparents who find themselves parents again, have a more difficult time being involved in team or group their children are in, but surely everyone can help one of those organizations in some way. At a minimum, stay in communication with the adult volunteers and coaches; give them your support as they have a difficult job, and in the vast majority of cases, they do it out of passion and compassion for kids. If you find yourself unable to help financially or with your time, at least make sure you are at events, supporting your child and showing them you value both your child and the role the organization plays in your child’s life.

As our nation moved away from an agrarian, largely rural society, these organizations became more important, both to individual kids and to society’s youth. Providing activities for eager minds, physical fitness for growing bodies, and ethical and moral education to augment the messages parents are trying to push through the static is a difficult job. Youth volunteers are one of our nation’s greatest assets and deserve your appreciation and help. Even better is that you should become one of them.

You are History (and you will be one day too)

2009-04-07T11:20:00.001-07:00

www.altmanleadershipcenter.com

Last weekend my Dad, my youngest son, and me spent the day repairing our kitchen table and making a primitive weapon called an atlatl. Our day was full of one generation passing practical information and funny family stories to the next and of course making more special memories. My parents are not particularly old, and hopefully we will have many more years with them. But at some point, they, like the rest of us, will no longer be here.

The stories my Dad tells of growing up in rural East Texas and those of my mother’s youth in Southern California are worth recording, to keep something of them alive after they are gone. I am sure that each of you have someone, or hopefully several people, whom you would like to record their story. For that matter, it is very likely there are several people who would like to record your story.

There are a number of things you will want to consider before you start; the first is to obtain the permission and cooperation of the people you wish to interview. The next is to consider using a video camera or voice recorder. This alleviates the need for taking notes and allows a more natural flow of the interview. The interview usually forgets they are being recorded in short order.

Find a place you can be comfortable and will not be interrupted; remember to turn off your cell phone! Develop a set of interview questions, putting them on flash cards is very convenient. Taking a photo of the person and any relevant memorabilia they have can be helpful.

Start your questions by recording the date of the interview and the name of the person you are interviewing. Next, obtain their personal details such as date and place of birth, their parents and grandparents’ names and the occupations they have held over the course of their life. Asking questions about everyday life, impressions of newsworthy events as they happened, and reflections of the person they were and have become, will all be of great interest to your audience. My father told us of his memory of Elvis playing a concert at the old high school in the early 1950’s and the town’s reaction to the concert.

Follow your interest when asking questions but remember to be respectful of the person you are interviewing. Bringing up painful memories can be cathartic or harmful; so unless you are trained to know the difference, and even if you are trained, be kind and patient. Remember to be gentle and nonjudgmental, it’s unlikely you know how you would have behaved under similar circumstances, and even if you think you know, do you want to be held accountable to your mistakes years later?

The recording of these stories is very easy and there are a number of websites to help you. A simple search on an Internet search engine will provide lists of questions and other helpful hints to be successful, such as thoughts on how to present the finished product. You may also find help at your local university history department.

I hope you will get started on this project soon, before death, illness or just faulty memory rob your family of something precious you can’t replace. Your loved ones’ rich, wonderful and unique stories.

"Hey Coach!"

2009-04-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

I am told, “No good deed ever goes unpunished.” While this thought may seem true from time to time, I am very pleased to have volunteered to coach my daughters’ flag football team. I have had the pleasure of coaching my boys’ football and soccer teams, even being an adult leader in their scout troops. My wife had the pleasure of coaching our girls, but I have never had an opportunity to share the love of sport and competition with my girls.
The boys and I share many funny stories and a common experience from the intersection of our relationships as parent/ child and coach/ player. The girls and I are looking forward to deepening our relationships through playing flag football and I am especially happy both the girls will be on the same team.
The NFL has partnered with local school districts in Alaska, California, Florida, Indiana, Massachusetts, Nevada, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and Texas. The idea of this partnership is to provide another opportunity for girls to develop leadership skills, and to play a sport in which female participation has been limited until now.
The NFL grant of 2008/9 agrees to pilot flag football programs in any community desiring such a program. So, if you wish to bring flag football to your school you can go to the NFL youth football website and apply for the grant the NFL has set up to provide footballs, flags, rulebooks and other support to get leagues started. Florida already has a state championship, Texas is investigating one and talk has begun as to developing some kind of national tournament. The upside for the NFL is they are expanding the numbers of female fans, both now and in the future.
While these opportunities on the horizon excite the girls, the thought of playing a “boy’s sport”, and breaking those barriers and stereotypes, holds as much attraction for my girls and their teammates, but biggest attractor is the sport itself. Several of the girls on my team are cheerleaders for their school, cheering for the boy’s football and basketball teams. Interestingly, high schools that have had girl’s flag football for a few years report that boys come out to cheer on the girls; demonstrating, either boys are willing to be fair-minded about their sports, or boys will go where girls are even if the girls are cutting fish bait.
The girls play seven on seven, and as they do not wear tackle football pads, the rules are modified to ensure the girls’ safety. The pace of the game seems to be faster than tackle football and the ball is smaller to accommodate the girl’s smaller hands. I have however been pleasantly surprised by how quickly the girls have begun to master their new sport.
I am very interested to see the differences in levels of competitiveness, if there is any, both inside our team between individual girls, and between boys and girls in general. Far more important than satisfying my considerable intellectual curiosities however, is the opportunity to play a sport with my girls that all three of us love.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2009-04-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

“Difficulty is the excuse history never accepts.” – Edward R. Murrow
Virtually everyone comes upon difficult periods in their lives, usually several times over the course of a lifetime. In fact, many authors would argue these difficult periods, and instances of failure, are necessary to an overall lifetime of success. On the main, history bears out their argument, with Bell, Edison, Lincoln, and Roosevelt, being the first four examples I can rattle off the top of my head.
While I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest any of us enjoy these periods of painful instruction, I am suggesting we have two options when faced with such obstacles. The first option is to give up. In our nation, we typically look upon such people with scorn while shaking our heads sadly. Instead, I argue every goal has a price and we should always evaluate the personal and societal costs against the personal and societal benefits. We should reevaluate why we are pursuing a particular goal when the costs begin drastically outweighing the benefits.
The second option is to take a step back, and a deep breath or two; then evaluate the goals in our lives, make corrections and move forward with renewed vigor. This second option has the virtue of allowing us to learn from our mistakes; however, with either option we should move forward only when we can do so with purpose.
After you have decided to take an opportunity to reevaluate where you are, doing so in a systemic way, writing down the results for further reflection and as a “compass check” in the future, is usually of invaluable aid. Figuring out in broad or philosophical terms what is most important to you and then developing goals that fit into that framework is a huge step forward. Take care not to believe you have carved these goals into stone; you can, and probably will change your goals from time to time as life circumstances change. The important part is to have some kind of plan, imperfect, incomplete, and changing as it may be.
Try to group your goals under the following headings: spiritual, service, family, physical fitness, career/financial, education/self improvement, and battery charging or fun goals. These are the basic areas of life for most people and allow for a balanced, healthy view of life. Writing down the goals provides a method for deeper planning to accomplish the goals, keeping track of them, and making it possible to check off the goals when they are achieved.
Reviewing the list frequently can help keep you on task and allows loved ones to help us as needed. In addition, being able to see a goal checked off the list can be a powerful feeling, providing a dose of resilience during difficult times.
I suggest this as a powerful tool in what may be the worst economic environment our nation has faced since the Depression. Not only will the tool help you directly but can help your family discover their common purpose, and remind them of it during trying times. I leave you with the thoughts of William James, “The greatest discovery in our generation is that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds can change the outer aspects of their lives.”

Mark Altman has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is the author of the book Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb, is available for speaking or consulting and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Sibling Rivalry

2009-03-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

I am the oldest of my parents’ four kids. I have a great relationship with one brother and my sister, but my other brother and I have always had a love/hate relationship. After years of self analysis, I can safely say the crux of our problem is sibling rivalry. I would love to be able to blame it all on him, but the fact is it takes two to tango as they say.

I have been amazed at the passion with which friends and family have weighed in on the issue of sibling rivalry. With the obvious exception of only children, It seems that almost everyone has been affected, in some cases scared, by overdone competition between siblings. Many family health experts believe sibling rivalry is more common in children of the same gender and if they are close in age.

Wondering how well my wife and I handled the issue, I called my oldest son to get his opinion of the relationship he and his siblings enjoy. I figured he more likely an honest broker as he is in college and away from home. He reported that he and his siblings compete all the time but they kept it behind the scenes, as they know Dawn and I try to keep the rivalry to a minimum. He argues sibling competition is good as long as the rivalry is kept inside ethical boundaries and is not allowed to overtake the whole of the relationship. He believes the friendly competition has made each of them better while they have stayed supportive of each other’s successes.

In the spirit of making myself a better parent and helping the many of you who have shared your challenges with me in this area, allow me to pass along the fruits of my research:

The family meeting has a role to play keeping sibling rivalry healthy, if you take an evening to gather input on how your family feels about the issue, how they believe the family is faring, resolving conflict in a healthier way, and getting buy-in on strategies to move forward.

Take the time to explain that “fair” and “equal” are not always the same thing and standards are not always consistent. For example, you may expect “straight ‘A’s” from one child and yet “C’s” from another. Fairness derives from expecting the same effort from each child and them to try their best.

Accordingly, finding each child’s talents and expecting the entire family to celebrate everyone’s success is key. At the same time, expecting the entire family to help others with their challenges is important too.

Another tool in reducing destructive rivalry is to do fun, family activities together. Simple things like game night should be a weekly event, and monthly embarking on a more involved activity like camping or a road trip to a museum.

While activities with the entire family is indispensible, individualized activities such as “date-night” are just as helpful. A “date” of one parent and one child doing something they want to do provides many benefits and special memories.

I wish you all luck in minimizing family rivalries and nurturing compassion, commitment, love and understanding that will last a lifetime.

Conflict Resolution

2009-02-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

This week we have seen truly historic events in the stock market causing everyone from wealthy Wall-Street types to those of us with more modest means no small amount of concern over where our economy is headed. I should state at the outset that I am not, nor do I wish to be, an expert in either economics or financial planning; however, I wish to pass on some tips to help families get closer and maybe save a little money at the same time.
Until the 1950’s, entertainment in the family was largely of our own making. Many people played musical instruments or sang, and parlor games of all types were popular. In the 50’s movies became much more affordable to most people and of course TVs found their way into every home. From the 1990’s until now, the number of electronic devices in our homes and the amount of extracurricular events for school-agers has increased exponentially. These have had the effect of greatly diminishing the amount of time families spend together.
The economy, for all the negative effect people have seen and are likely to see, may have the positive effect of bringing us all closer to home for a time. I suggest we use this time wisely, but if we are to do that please keep these things in mind:
1. The stress you are feeling is felt by everyone in your family and is best dealt with by getting plenty of rest, eating healthy, and getting more exercise, but mainly talking about the challenges you face as a family.
2. There are inexpensive alternatives to going to the latest blockbuster, TV, and the Internet; such as popping popcorn and watching a movie at home, doing a family art project or just looking over old family pictures and telling the stories that go with those pictures.
3. If that is not enough interaction for you, then how about picking a classic play by Shakespeare, Arthur Miller or any other favorite play that has a few parts. You can simply read the play with everyone taking a part or you can actually act it out.
4. I have suggested you hold family meetings every week or so, and during difficult times these meetings are even more helpful. I am not suggesting unloading parental budgetary problems on the elementary age kids with the admonishment, “Sell more pencils on your corners kids!” However, an age appropriate conversation about national economics or even scaling back on family spending and reassuring your kids that finances have been tough before but everything will be fine can certainly be helpful.
Crisis tend to either pull us apart or pull us together no matter what organization we are in; work, family, community, etc. One of the biggest factors in the direction we go is how directly, how honestly, and how compassionately we talk to each other. Make this a time all of you look back and remember a time when your family pulled together and became closer.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Birthdays in the Age of Facebook

2009-02-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

My 44th birthday was last week and I received over 100 well wishes and birthday cards. Some of these kindnesses came from relatives, friends, old Army buddies and former high school classmates I haven’t seen in 25 years. I am grateful to each of them for remembering me in their busy lives. I will say this task is made a good bit easier for all of us, now that the social networking sites are all the rage.
A quick word of caution is in order: I realize these sites have a downside, especially for kids who are allowed unsupervised access to them. I would no more suggest unsupervised Internet access to kids, than I would suggest handing a teenager car keys without providing Driver’s Ed and a lot of supervision. On the upside, you can share everything from new baby pictures, family vacation videos to an electronic birthday card, which brings me back to the point of my column for the week.
As I mentioned, my birthday was last week; and while my birthday has never caused me any consternation, I do enjoy hearing well wishes from family members and friends, new and old. Having birthday cake and ice cream around the house for a few days is certainly welcome as well. While we haven’t figured out how to send each other cake and ice cream over the Internet, social networking sites are a great way to pass on, as well as receive, greetings and updates.
In our current society, there are very few of us who have both our immediate and extended families close by, and when you include close friends accumulated over the years, the chances really go down. Because of my military career and extensive travelling, I have friends on every continent except the Arctic and Antarctica, so keeping up with them has become much easier thanks to the networking sites. In addition, as a speaker and consultant I keep in touch with business contacts on these sites as well.
Of course, you may find a downside in that you can never live down throwing up in science class in high school, too much partying in college, or any number of other minor transgressions and embarrassing moments. The upside is these stories, told in and outside our families, serve to provide a backdrop for our story in relationship with each other.
On the whole, I have tried diligently to address the shortcomings I perceived in my character while I was growing up, especially in high school. However, over the week leading up to my birthday I was very pleasantly surprised to find that a few times I managed to rise above the all too often immature, selfish person I was, to actually have a positive impact on the life of a friend or family member. It is unlikely any of these people would have told me in any media other than a message over the Internet.
Our lives, individually and sociologically, are changing at an ever-increasing pace; and while raging against the storm has its own virtue, I maintain technology is a tool that can benefit us or hurt us depending upon how skillfully the tool is used. I encourage you to view these sites as a wonderful tool to cut the time and distance that societal demands too often necessitate. Besides, the website’s calendar feature will earn you brownie points with your Mom when you remember not just her birthday, but Aunt Agnes’ birthday as well.
Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Valentine's Day- Cupid's Second Arrow

2009-02-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

“Love may make the world go round, but it is romantic love that makes the ride worthwhile.” – Gary Godeck

With Mr. Godeck’s encouragement, we begin. As I pointed out last week, according to Dr. Chapman, there are five love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gift giving. This week I am going to provide some ideas for each gender for each of the love languages, but before we go further, it is important to figure out which love language your lover hears.

One way to figure that out would be to do the questionnaire in Dr. Chapman’s book, but if that isn’t possible on such short notice, then you can think back to the reactions you might have received in the past with other romantic gestures. In the event you have do not have experience to rely on, then use that as an excuse to try one idea from each category.

The first love language we will look at is the one most of us think of at Valentine’s Day: gift giving. You could just give flowers or candy, but let’s borrow a line from Emeril Lagasse and “Kick it up a notch”, not in terms of cost but merely in thought. So instead of just buying flowers, buy an assortment of specialty teas or coffee to warm her tummy the way she warms your heart. Buying him something for a hobby and arranging for him to have the time to use the new thing you bought is always a winner.

The next love language is words of affirmation, meaning say nice things to and about your partner. In this case, find one of Shakespeare’s sonnets and copy it in your own hand with a note at the bottom. Or write a letter patterned after the Civil War letter by Sullivan Ballou; easily one of the most romantic letters ever penned.

Physical touch is often mistakenly limited to sexual intimacy. My example here, for him or her, is to arrange an evening of soft music, low light, a platter of fruit, wine if you like (and are of legal drinking age), and a warm bottle of massage oil.

Acts of service usually are the easiest to come up with, but are sometimes the hardest to actually pull off. If you perform an act of service, it ceases to be service if you demand, or even ask for, something in return. Especially if you have children, preparing your wife a relaxing bath with scented candlelight and a favorite book or music while you take care of the evening’s chores such as post dinner kitchen cleanup is always a hit. Ancient wisdom says, “The way to a man’s heart is his stomach” (or six inches lower), so servicing either or both of those desires fits the bill. Of course, this is assuming whatever you do isn’t at the expense of your responsibilities, you do not ask for anything in return, and it is done in a loving and cheerful spirit. See, it’s harder than it seems!

Last, but certainly not least, is quality time. This is spending time with your beloved, doing something they like to do, without answering a cell phone, email or watching TV (unless your partner wishes to watch something together, such as a movie). A better Texas answer is to roam the streets of Old Town Spring or Fredericksburg, or a weekend at a bed and breakfast. There are several local places you can do this quite reasonably.

Eloquence in the love languages and being romantic, come through practice and asking for kind feedback on your efforts. You won’t hit a homerun every time, but you will get better and it will be easier to identify romantic opportunities. “There isn’t any formula or method. You learn to love by loving.”- Aldous Huxley

Cupid's Friend

2009-02-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

“Any time not spent on love is wasted”- Torquato Tasso

We have once again come to that time of year that causes sweaty palms and makes men quail at the daunting task before them, and no, I’m not talking about figuring out what to do on a weekend without either hunting or football. I’m referring to what might be the most feared holiday of them all: Valentine’s Day.

I am going to write this week and next about this holiday and provide some help for those of you who either don’t observe Valentine’s Day, or those who every hope for that magical reaction when they hit their partner’s heart with Cupid’s arrow, only to find every year they are wide of their mark. For most of us, initially our crazy lives trump our desire to be more romantic, then over time we get out of practice and become embarrassed of our failure to treat our beloved the way we should. Instead of correcting our behavior, we attempt to convince ourselves the holiday, and its trappings don’t matter, eventually coming to believe that romance itself is unimportant.

Valentine’s Day has become a huge moneymaker for card companies, florists, and undergarment companies, to the tune of 17 billion dollars. For this reason many people are soured on this wonderful holiday much in the way we lament the commercialization of Christmas. I argue we shouldn’t throw Cupid out with the bathwater so to speak. Just because others commercialize the holiday is no reason we can’t use the day as an excuse to show our beloved how much we love and regard them.

The day used to be one primarily of men giving women cards and little gifts but with greater equality for women in society, a greater percentage of women give the object of their affection gifts as well. In keeping with this change in society, I will offer some thoughts for both men and women.

In many ways, Valentine’s Day is not so much about love as it is about romance. Romance may best be thought of as love in action, so Valentine’s Day is a day to EXPRESS your love. By now you are thinking, “But I don’t write well or speak eloquently like you do Mark”. Hey cut me some slack, there could be someone, somewhere, thinking it. On the off chance you are one of those people, let me provide some help.

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages, and in this book he proposes there are five ways each of us “speak” and “hear” love. These love languages are (in no particular order): physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gift giving. You will notice that only one of the love languages, gift giving, costs money. If you are on a budget, or you are conducting a one person protest against commercialization, then speak one of the other love languages.

The point for this week is not which love language you speak, but the importance of speaking one or more of them. Valentine’s Day is both an excuse and a reminder to do something nice for someone that does nice things for us. Next week we will explore the love languages and I will provide some suggestions for each language on the big day. Stay tuned!

Love and Logic- A Parental Oxymoron?

2009-01-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

Last week, I began a parenting class called Love and Logic developed by Jim Fay and his son Charles Fay, PhD. And Dr. Foster Cline. The course is a seven week deal and in week one I have already found a few things to think about and at least one tool to put in my parenting tool bag. Many of you that know me (or read my column regularly) know that I have four kids and that they are, as of my writing this, 18, 15, and 14 year old twins.

As such, you may be asking yourself why am I taking this class when, for the most part, the die has been cast when it comes to the raising of my kids. First, I argue that you never know what I may learn to help me with putting the finishing touches on the successful, well adjusted adults I hope to turn loose on society in the next couple of years. Second, I will have grandkids one day, hopefully not in the next decade as everyone still has college and graduate school yet, but one day I will become a parenting coach to my kids and I wish to be a good one. Last, but still very important to me, are you my gentle reader to whom I hope to provide valuable, friendly help in your own families.

The class consists of video and written materials that are professionally done by The Love and Logic Institute, and classroom discussion provided by our facilitator, a counselor in the school district my wife works for and the kids attend school. One of the biggest advantages of this program is that corporal punishment, in fact punishment of any kind, is not necessary. Natural consequences are used to teach life lessons while the consequences are small.

For example, the child learns thrift by earning money doing chores in the home and then spending that money with very few limits from the parent. The parent actually hopes for failure, such as the child buying a cheaply made toy that breaks easily. The parent then provides empathetic love, not a lecture, and the child figures out for themselves that squandering a hard earned few dollars on a cheap plastic toy is not something they should do very often. Learning such a lesson with a toy that costs five bucks is far better than buying a first car for too much when that car has a great stereo and a bad motor.

Kids do not come with instructions, or if they do my manual was left out of the packaging… all four times! In addition, parenting changes as society changes; both in terms of challenges and in the definition of success. This means parents should constantly be on the lookout for good ideas and learning from parents who have been successful. While I am not convinced this class will solve all parenting challenges, and I still have a few questions left to be answered, the class has already proven to be helpful and I encourage you to find one in the Conroe or Montgomery County area. The program is popular and you should have little trouble finding one to fit your schedule.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

To Forgive and Forget

2009-01-20T13:35:00.000-08:00

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -- Mahatma Gandhi
Every so often I am floored by the actions of someone else. By this I mean a story so attention getting and inspiring, I can’t help but derive a lesson from it. Usually it takes the form of a person who rises so far above themselves and the frail, flawed, nature of who we usually are as human beings, it sucks the air out of me and causes my eyes to tear with the glimpse of what we might be; both as individuals and as a species, if we could just be as Lincoln referred “our better angels” more of the time. Sometimes the person doing the punching is fictional; the author using my buy-in of the character to teach or extol. Only rarely do I get the pleasure of meeting the people who floor me, but I am always the better for the meeting.
This week I was reminded of an incredible story of forgiveness and how that story has and continues to change lives. The story is of Amy Biehl, an American Fulbright scholar killed in 1993 while serving in South Africa. After Amy was pulled from her car, then beaten and stabbed to death, her parents found the capacity to forgive the four men convicted of Amy’s killing, not opposing the amnesty ruling of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission.
Later, the Biehl’s met, and subsequently developed a relationship with, two of the men who were involved in the killing of their daughter. Today both men work for the foundation Amy’s parents started in an effort to use art, economic development, music and sports to continue to work for peace in South Africa. In fact, in accordance with African culture and morays, the two men call the Biehl’s their parents, and during the writing of one article Mrs. Biehl actually went with one of the men to buy a car seat for the man’s young daughter. I am sure I do not have the strength to forgive the killers of one of my family members; my acknowledgement of my weakness only serves to raise my admiration of the Biehls.
In our daily lives, often we are offended by slights big and small; such as when someone cuts us off while driving, or is curt with us in the grocery store. Our inclination is to respond with rudeness for rudeness, insult for insult, temper for temper. Society tends to hold up the person with the biting, quick wit who bests such people in verbal combat and our media entertainment includes the heroism of those who use physical abuse to pay pain for pain.
This is bad enough, but this treatment extends to our marital and familial relationships as well. Because we live with these people, we can think about a stinging retort for the next time we are together. If this damage is not held in check then our loved ones look for a retort of their own and sometimes the capacity to forgive these injuries is larger than we can generate, resulting in permanent damage to these special relationships.
My aim is not to preach or point out the fact that we are all at times, all too human. My fervent hope is these extraordinary stories of forgiveness, love and tolerance will give us pause the next time someone, stranger or loved one, causes us pain; and in spite of ourselves we will find the strength to become, if only for that moment, our better angels.
Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-05T11:31:00.000-08:00

The end of one year and the beginning of another is traditionally a time of reflection and evaluation for most of us; this is understandable, especially once a person is old, and mature, enough to recognize the finite nature of life and the desire to accomplish certain things during that life or leave behind something to those who follow. For example, I am still deeply engaged in a search for the perfect root beer float. For those of you also engaged in this critical search; first you must put a glass mug of suitable size and heft in the freezer and secure a good quality ice cream, which is not too dense. You will also need a spoon of about tablespoon size, as you need a spoon big enough to hold both the ice cream and a bit of root beer. We had better put this on hold and get to our resolutions; if you want my recipe, email me at the address below.

I suggest making no more than three resolutions. If you try to do more than a couple at a time, you are reducing your chances of being successful at any of them. Pick one or two you believe are most pressing; working on one health and one life improvement resolution allows you to feel as though you are improving across the broader scope of your life, while still focusing deeply. In my case, I would lose weight and get in better shape, but I spill my root beer float when I get on the treadmill.

New Year’s resolutions can be framed in two ways, capitalizing on what you do well or trying to improve what you are not doing well. In the US, we tend to focus on fixing the things we aren’t doing well or want to stop, but a shortcoming of this way of looking at challenges is we become fixated on the negative. On the other hand, if you focus on capitalizing on what you do well or want to do more, then you are grounded in the positive and focusing on the good in your life.

Obviously, if you are doing something destructive to yourself or others, such as illegal drug use or abusive behavior, then getting help stopping that behavior immediately is important. However, if you are eating too much for example, but enjoy bike riding, or snowshoeing, then joining a bike riding club or taking advanced snowshoeing lessons will increase how much you engage in those activities, provide more exercise, and thereby help you lose weight. This would be an example of focusing on the positive and is called appreciative inquiry.

After you decide on your resolutions and frame them in the manner most comfortable to you, write them down! Then break up the resolution into manageable, preferably daily, bites. This helps make your resolution a habit and allows you to track success.

Tell others of your resolutions so they can support you, and surround yourself with those who will provide loving support. Make sure you kindly make suggestions to your family and friends so they know how to support you better. Be sure you are a good friend and provide them the kind of support they want in achieving their resolutions as well. If they cannot be supportive, you may have to make changes in the friends you spend time with.

Last, realize that failure is only failure when you quite trying. I do not believe this to be just a trite saying. Most smokers for example have to try four times or more before quitting smoking. Many people have to start exercising several times before it becomes a habit.

We have to leave this for now, as I have run out of room and I have to go get some root beer. Have a wonderful new year full of possibility and promise!

Winter Colds - A most unwelcome winter visitor

2008-12-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

With a winter cold going through my family like a six year old through Christmas wrapping paper, I thought a column about avoiding winter sniffles and flu bugs would be a good idea. I will concede my judgment maybe clouded a bit given that I am popping cold pills like Pez. I will also concede that most of what I will write in this column is far from ground breaking medical research, and is as likely to come from your grandmother than the latest issue of the Journal of the AMA.
You can try digging a deep hermetically sealed bunker to spend each winter and attempt to avoid a cold or flu; but in addition to contracting cabin fever, you would miss out on the wonderful winter sports, and the sights of North Idaho covered in white. So, if living in a bunker is not your future, I first suggest trying to avoid hugging and kissing anyone who currently has a cold and washing your hands often in case holiday relatives ambush you. You can also help yourself before you even come out of your bunker by eating well, and getting plenty of rest.
The Chinese have a proverb that maintains, “The superior doctor prevents sickness; the mediocre doctor attends to impending sickness; the inferior doctor treats actual sickness.” I agree with this basic premise; all things considered, avoiding the cold or flu in the first place is the preferred course of action. This can be especially difficult if someone in your family has a cold and it falls to you to nurse them back to health. At the risk of being redundant, dispose of tissues immediately, wash your hands often, and limit how much you touch your face. If you share a keyboard or register at your work, make sure you disinfect the keyboard as often as possible.
Go to the Doc and get your flu shot. I know, some of you don’t believe in immunizations and truth be told I am not fired up about needles either, but there is now a flu immunization that is administered by a nasal mist. The flu can be fatal to certain populations such as the very young and the very old, so in addition to preventing yourself from feeling like Death warmed over for a few days, you will be doing something very nice for people you may never know.
Taking a multivitamin and even certain herbal supplements such as Echinacea are believed to help the body’s immune system, while green and black teas provide antioxidants. Honey can coat a scratchy throat, while menthol can help open nasal passages. In the last few years, I have read research documenting the benefits of chicken soup, stress reduction and, believe it or not, physical activity. Several of my family members are convinced that a hot toddy (comprised of a cup of hot water, a splash of lemon juice, a tablespoon of honey and a shot of whiskey) is helpful. They also maintain that in a pinch, all of the ingredients except the shot of whiskey are optional!
I wish you and yours a happy and very healthy New Year. Hopefully by following some of these ideas you will avoid the colds and flu so many of us will sniffle our way through. Of course, if you are so blessed to avoid being sick you could commiserate with us just a bit and not be so smug when we whine a bit.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

A Burden to Bear

2008-12-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I had the chance to see the wonderful movie, Freedom Writers, starring Hillary Swank. This movie is about a teacher in an inner city school, Erin Gruwell, who uses a lesson about the Holocaust to begin the process of getting her students to write about their own lives and engaging in the educational process. All 150 of her students graduated High School; many have since graduated college, several are now teachers themselves and a number are actually pursuing PhDs of their own.

In this movie, Scott Glenn, Gruwell’s father makes a comment to her that is something like, “You have been blessed with a burden, how many Dad’s get to say that to their daughter’s?” While I enjoyed this movie very much and its inspirational story; I would, if I met him, have to quibble just a bit with Mr. Gruwell. His daughter is not the only daughter, or son, with a burden to bear; every parent has a child with a burden to bear.

When I say this, I am not referring to the financial and time constraints of living in the modern, western world. I am referring to the burden borne by each of us as moral and ethical persons to make our world a better place, and to alleviate the suffering of those less fortunate than us. Teaching children this lesson, like most lessons, is best done by example. Unfortunately, most of us treat this social responsibility in the same manner Churchill described our encounters with the truth, "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."

We recognize the work that needs to be done; we see it every day, in things large and small, and yet walk on by “as if nothing happened.” Research has shown time and again that a person’s resilience to life’s challenges increases as they perform service for those less fortunate that themselves. This phenomenon, and the benefits gained, hold true whether your challenges are relatively large or small. As your mother instinctively knew, “There is always someone less fortunate than you.”

Teaching your children compassion, empathy, and patience for others not only benefits those your child interacts with; it benefits you with more fully functioning family relationships, provides your child with tools they will need in the future in marriage and as a parent, and provides us all with kinder, warmer and more polite communities. Surely these benefits to ourselves is enough to motivate us all to serve others a little more.

With the holiday season in full swing and an economic crisis hanging like a cloud over our heads, many are tempted to use these as excuses to withhold help or put off performing service for others. I encourage all of us to help another person whenever help is needed; financial help, certainly when possible, but emotional help, compassion and a kind word go a long way as well and cost nothing more than a little empathy. I leave you with the wisdom of Albert Schweitzer, “It is not enough merely to exist. It's not enough to say, 'I'm earning enough to support my family. I do my work well. I'm a good father, husband, churchgoer.' That's all very well. But you must do something more. Seek always to do some good, somewhere.”

Time is precious, don't wish it away

2008-12-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

Early morning a few days ago, I found myself in a deer stand with my bow, waiting for the sun to come up. For me, this time alone is a good time to think and enjoy nature. However, like most of us, I found myself being impatient and hoping time would pass more quickly. In this case, I was impatient for the sun to rise, for the day to begin with all its promise.

I was excited to know whether I would get a chance at a mature buck, but even more anxious to see the squirrels and rabbits play, and the birds visit in the tree next to me. This anxiety led me to wishing the sun would rise, the day would start, and I would realize the potential the day held. What I wasn't, was in the moment.

That moment, that time before the sun rose, on that day, will never come again. The cool, still air would be interrupted in a few precious minutes; and with a wife, four kids and a host of relatives, the rest of my day would be filled with activity I would find difficult to escape. Therefore, the minutes I was wishing away were important and deserved to be honored and enjoyed for the glory contained in them.

This early morning revelation is something I have to remind myself of often because I tend to live my life in the future, always planning and working toward the next thing. The holiday season tends to push us to wish time would pass, so the holiday hustle and stress would end, or so we can see relatives and friends with whom we don't spend enough time. To my great fortune, several years ago I read "The Book of Virtues" by William Bennett.

In that book is the story of a little boy, who like most of us, sees the glorious spring day and wishes to be playing instead of inside a classroom. He daydreams away his education for the day, and on his way home wishes the school year would end and summer would arrive. A beautiful woman approaches and offers him a silver ball with a little thread hanging out. She explains this thread is his life thread and if he desires time to move faster when he is bored or in pain, all he has to do is pull the thread. However, when he has pulled all the thread then his life is over.

He pulls the thread when he gets bored in school, when he can't wait to marry the girl of his dreams, when his kids are sick, when he is imprisoned for his political beliefs and when he has to go to war. At the end of his life when his wife is sick and he has no money for a doctor, he pulls the thread and she is gone. . . He looks down to see golden thread coming from the ball and realizes his life is nearly over and he has missed so very much, pulling that thread.

He goes back to the stream and sits on a stump and mutters about his poor luck in owning the ball. A ragged old woman appears before him and castigates him, "You silly man, you begged for the ball despite my warning and now you bemoan the loss of your life." He tells her he is sorry and he didn't realize that the bad times of his life were important and sacred too. She offers to take back the ball on the condition he never again wishes for time to pass quickly. When gratefully he agrees, he awakens as a boy, having simply fallen asleep during lessons.

I remind myself of this story anytime I find myself wishing for time to pass quickly. I hope during the stress of the holidays and what the New Year might bring you, this story brings you the lesson and solace it brings me.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a Ph.D. in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

A Holiday Wish for My Grandmother and Yours.

2008-11-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

We have all gotten through Thanksgiving and hopefully each of us has plenty to be thankful for again this year. And while I certainly have been blessed beyond measure again this year, I write to all of you this week with a heavy heart; my maternal grandmother is in the last stages of life in hospice care. She is the last grandparent I have still living and so there is something particularly poignant and sad for me about her passing.

Don’t get me wrong, she has had a wonderful life worth celebrating. She was happily married to my Grandfather for over fifty years until he passed away several years ago; she raised three kids and has a bushel basket full of grandkids and great grandkids. She had a career in the banking industry when women didn’t usually have careers outside the home. She traveled quite a bit, including a trip “Down Under”. However, even though she is wonderful to my family and me, this column is not just about her.

As the holidays come near I hope to encourage you to visit the elderly people you might know. This is especially important if you suspect they will be alone for much of the holiday season. Keep in mind, with everyone feeling the pinch of the economy right now, our children and elderly populations are most at risk. So, anything you can do as a family, such as visiting an elderly neighbor or an assisted living facility is always a welcome event.

You will want to call before you go to get the rules of the facility and take their suggestions as to how to proceed. For example, many of the residents have special dietary restrictions that must be adhered to if you are to bring foodstuffs. Many facilities keep their residents busy, so again call ahead to make sure you come at a time when you are not interrupting the schedule and the residents will be able to visit with you. It is precisely the human interaction that most residents crave the most.

On the other end of the age spectrum are the children of the community and like most grandmothers, children are especially dear to mine. The Children’s Village is always in need of volunteer help, toys, food items and of course financial support. You can find them on Hanley Ave. or at http://www.thechildrensvillage.org/. The work they do is invaluable to the community and a life saving influence for the children they serve.

Most of us are reminded of our social obligations around the holiday season with columnists who publish the obligatory holiday columns such as this one, but I hope to call us all to action more often than once a year, and I hope that each of you will respond in the way your talents and resources allow. I am sure it is what my grandmother, and likely yours, would want us to do.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Holiday relatives are coming back!

2008-11-23T07:31:00.000-08:00

We are getting closer to that wonderful, dreadful, time of year called the Holiday Season. This time of year typically is thought of as beginning at Thanksgiving and ending with the beginning of the New Year. Some believe this month long trial by fire is rigged by Santa to lessen the number of good boys and girls he has to visit every year. Ok, I admit it, it’s only me that believes it; however, I hope you will agree it is a conspiracy theory that has as much merit as any other.
Last year I published a guide to not only survive the holiday season, but actually enjoy the time with family, and come to the New Year admitting those crazy people really are related to you and not just some unfortunate clerical error at the hospital. I am going to print a reminder of the guide and add a couple of points to build upon the wonderful progress we all made last year.
The first thing to keep in mind is to set reasonable expectations for the holiday gatherings. If your family resembles a 3D version of Bart and Homer Simpson during the year, it is highly unlikely you will function like the Huxtables, or George Bailey’s wonderful holiday family. Stress and proximity tend to cause old wounds to open, not help them heal; but, if you can manage your expectations then at least you may experience less stress. While it may be a tempting thought, more eggnog is not usually the healthiest answer to holiday family challenges.
If you have children coming home from college, remember to negotiate expectations in advance such as: plans over the holidays, bringing home boy/girlfriends, visiting friends, household rules such as curfew, also try to discuss grades beforehand so there are no ugly holiday surprises.
Celebrate in a location that makes life as easy as possible for the majority of members. If someone finds it difficult to travel because of pregnancy, infirmity or illness, try to bring the gathering to him or her. Just because the gathering is in one member’s home, doesn’t mean they have to do the majority (or any) of the cooking.
While on the subject of cooking, if you have special dietary needs or wants, don’t expect the hosts to provide for your situation. If you are diabetic or vegetarian, bring your favorite dish with a little extra so others may try it as well.
If you are the host, invite a stranger to the gathering. By inviting a friend to the occasion who has nowhere else to go, you prevent them from spending the holiday alone and can add a complementary personality flavor to the kitchen flavors, while sometimes bringing family members together as they make the guest feel welcome.
Learn to ask for, and accept, help! If you are kept prisoner in the kitchen, then not only are you run ragged and can’t spend time with family; they do not get to spend time with you either. Everyone from children, to adults not cooking, can do chores like set and clear the table or do dishes.
Last, try to think of “the other” first when making decisions or before getting angry when your expectations aren’t met. Whether “the other” is your parent, your child, your spouse, sibling or an ex-spouse, try to put their needs first without resentment, but with patience and a sense of love. You may find the feelings reciprocated, but even if you don’t, you will have found the true meaning of the holiday season.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is the author of Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Teens and the "Idiot Box"

2008-11-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago the Rand Corporation released a study showing that teens who watch racy shows are twice as likely to become pregnant or be responsible for a pregnancy over the next three years. Researchers rightly point out, the reasons for teen pregnancy are both diverse and complex and therefore have no single determining factor as to which kids will get pregnant and which won’t. However, the kids who watched the most sexual content on TV were twice as likely to be involved in a pregnancy as the kids who watched the least sexual content.

A different study conducted several years ago by some of the same researchers, indicated that kids who watched sexual content on TV had sex at earlier ages. You might be tempted to think the solution is simple: limit or eliminate the TV sexual content teens see. Of course, this solution doesn’t take into account the sexual content teens are exposed to on the Internet, in magazines, music and movies and ignores the technical challenges and Constitutional concerns in limiting such content for kids while not interfering with rights of the general public.

Researchers point out that another aspect of media depictions of sexuality is those depictions are not realistic. For example, all media formats are notoriously silent on the consequences of sex such as diseases, pregnancy and the moral implications. The limited information available is either wrong or not in keeping with the message parents would like to send.

For these reasons, the authors are not calling upon any particular TV show, channel or network to be held accountable. Instead, they believe more realistic plotlines, and frank discussions of consequences will be of greater benefit to both parents and their teens.

Kids today have greater success of information than at any time in human history. Compounding this phenomenon is the fact that kids are maturing earlier physically, but later socially. Menarche is occurring sooner for girls, but they marry later. For boys, puberty is sooner, but the age they are expected to enter the work force is later for most. The place where these factors collide is where this problem lives.

In our own family, now that we have teenagers, we have found success in monitoring what the kids watch; not to limit any particular programming, but to know what they are watching in an effort to be able to have frank, sometimes uncomfortable, discussions. We have found it to be far more important to ask their opinion of these situations, listen carefully, and then ask other questions to allow them to discover answers for themselves. Lectures, especially lectures disconnected to their reality are of little perceived value and probably limited real value as well. To use this method a parent must be confident in their values system and their ability to discuss it intelligently.

As parents, there is an attraction to shielding our kids from depictions of explicit sex, violence or drug use; much in the same way that I am not ready to have the kids start dating. However in the case of dating, my wife’s wisdom is prevailing. She points out that if they are dating for a couple of years while living at home, then we can guide them through the process; but if they were to wait until after they are married (my favorite option), then we would not be there to help them be successful.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Rx for a sick Nation

2008-11-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

As I am writing my column I am watching the election coverage to determine who our next President will be. It is worth noting that by the time this column publishes we will know who that person will be, likely the nation will have begun to accept the will of the people and I hope we will have largely moved together to tackle our nation’s problems. The problem of the economy will likely be the first problem touching American families the new President will have to address, and an important part of this problem is that of affordable health insurance.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau Idaho has 213,000 people, or 14.7 percent of its population were uninsured in 2004-5. The nation as a whole has 45.7 million without health insurance and many of those are children and the elderly. If you believe this is bad news, then the worse news: these numbers are pre-economic downturn and we don’t have numbers after the downturn.
Like most policy decisions, this one has numerous facets with many stakeholders and each of the facets of the problem can lead to any number of unintended consequences. Lack of health care for children for example, feeds a number of problems such as avoidable illness, higher medical bills for ailments that aren’t caught early, and lower academic performance in school.
Part of the challenge for policy makers is medical science itself. On the one hand we live longer than ever before in human history, and on the other the medical costs for procedures is higher than ever. American companies, trying to increase profits so stockholders do not take investment monies to countries where health care costs are much less (partly because companies are not expected to provide employee health care benefits), are decreasing benefits. We now have medical procedures that can heal problems that certainly would have been fatal even 25 years ago.
Some of the debates the new President will have to judge are, “As a society, what resources are we morally and ethically obligated to commit in order to lengthen a lifespan?” Connected to that question is, “What resources do we commit to early detection and preventative care?” Last, “To what ends can society demand its citizens take care of themselves?” “Do we continue to make smoking harder and harder to do through taxation and limiting where people can smoke?” “Should we “punish” drinking and poor dietary habits?” “Do we mandate physicals for school age children as we do immunization?”
We have had more political participation in this election than in almost any other in the nation’s history. However, the new President, whichever candidate wins, will need the help of an educated, engaged, populace interested in solving the challenges like this one that have no easy answers. Please stay excited and involved by writing your political officials and attending town halls and meetings, making your feelings known. Your family’s medical and financial health and the nation’s economic well-being depend on it.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

The Poitical Hatfields and McCoys

2008-11-03T06:45:00.000-08:00

Unless you have been on another planet for the last year or so, you know that on Tuesday we will all go to the polls to vote for the next round of office holders; from local offices all the way to the Presidency. This election cycle has seen a level of partisanship not seen for many years, maybe ever and this partisanship has spilled over into our every facet of our lives. From work and school, church and civic groups, and yes even, maybe especially into our families.
While it can be a source of stress in a family to be divided over something as personal as political party or policy position, I argue assuming the family handles this challenge well, this is a sign of strength and healthy function. If everyone in a family seems to agree politically or on social positions, in addition to being highly unlikely, this could be a sign of a patriarch or matriarch who has failed to encourage independent thinking in their progeny. However, if you are bemoaning your family’s abundance of independent thinking allow me to suggest some tips that may restore your sanity, at least for this election cycle.
1. Don’t take it personally. Much like people can when rooting for a favorite sports team, sometimes we are too invested in the victory of a particular side.
2. Argue fairly. Try to keep the debate on topic and avoid belittling or calling names. Telling a child, “When you get older you will know better” or a parent, “You are just too old to understand”; is both outside the rules of debate and demeaning.
3. If one party believes the debate becomes acrimonious or hurtful, then both parties should agree to avoid talking about politics at least for a time.
4. Our nation seems to favor switching between the two major parties, especially at the national level; however, we see this phenomenon at every level and it is probably a healthy thing for our system.
5. Remember that our political system has survived bad office holders at every level of government. If the “wrong” candidate wins, don’t be overly alarmed as most office holders end up better than our fears and worse than our hopes.
6. Keep in mind that even more than our nation and communities, your families have more in common in terms of ideology and experiences that bring you together than divide you.
For all of us, voting is both a right and a privilege that we wish to pass along to our children. As parents our hope should be that our children exercise their rights even if they come down on the other side of issues or candidates than we do. Please vote on Nov. 4 for the candidate of your choice.

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Enjoy a less scary Halloween

2008-10-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

The end of the month brings one of my favorite times of the year. What's not to like about candy, tricks and treats, scary movies, candy, costumes, a Charlie Brown special from my childhood, and of course more candy?

However, this time of year brings some challenges for parents not found during the rest of the year, and I'm not referring to finding the latest super hero costume.

Costumes are a great place to start in our safety checklist. You should make sure the kids' costumes fit correctly, because if they are too long a child can trip as they run from house to house. Of course, this is a problem not so much because of a skinned knee, but because the candy might spill and other kids could pick up your child's spoils. Make sure costumes are flame retardant and try to avoid masks; if you can, use face paint instead as it doesn't impede peripheral vision.

Make sure the costume can easily be seen at night. We would all like to believe that anyone driving on that evening will be extra vigilant, but kids can be very difficult to see, so give drivers a helping hand. A "chemlight" or "glow stick" is very valuable but inexpensive insurance. Besides, they look cool at night.

Stick to houses you know or go to a school or church event. This may mean fewer houses, but the upside is the treats are usually better if the people giving the treats know the kids coming to the door. Some public safety agencies or hospitals will X-ray bags of candy free of charge, but regardless, throw away any treats not in a tamper-proof wrapper unless you know the giver very well.

Ensure your kids know that vandalism and petty crimes such as shoplifting are crimes at any time of the year. Make them do clean up if they egg or toilet paper a home, and pay restitution if that is appropriate. Practical jokes can be fun if no one gets hurt and property is respected; help your kids know where the line is.

I can't urge you enough to go with your kids. Get into the spirit (no pun intended) and dress up yourself -- there is no substitute for your supervision. However, if that isn't possible, try these suggestions to keep everyone safe and having fun. Set the ground rules and a curfew, know where they are headed and provide a cell phone.

As kids get older they lose interest in trick or treating and instead opt for parties. If this is something your kids wish to do, consider being the house to throw the party. While it is usually a lot of work, you do get to know where your kids are and you get to see their friends in a social environment. Priceless.

You can rent a few scary movies or have a pumpkin carving contest. A Halloween-themed scavenger hunt in the neighborhood, or acting out a murder mystery, are great themed parties.

The one thing you should not do, under any circumstance, is provide, or allow minors to have, alcohol. This is illegal and can bite your backside more ways than you can count. No, not every parent does this, and it is a bad idea no matter the circumstances or precautions you take.

Halloween has been a fun and scary time for hundreds of years. With a little planning and a dose of common sense, your family can have a great time and both give and receive sweet treats. As for me, I like "Whoppers". . . and "Milk Duds". . . and "Jolly Ranchers". . . and, well I'm sure you get the idea.

From the Altmans, have a frighteningly good Halloween!

Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a Ph.D. in Leadership studies at Texas A&M University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Birds and Bees

2008-10-21T18:57:00.000-07:00

This column was written several months ago, but I just realized I had not posted it here. The information is still valid.
Because of the passions ignited over the topic of sex education in schools (no pun intended, ok, yes it is intended, I couldn’t resist) I have purposely tried to avoid putting a dog in the fight. However, in the last two weeks two major studies have come out providing strong evidence for both the necessity and the efficacy of formal sex education.
The first study, says 1 in 4 teenage girls has at least one sexually transmitted disease. This study was reviewed in the Press a week or so ago and sends the blunt message that “abstinence only” sex-ed messages don’t work. The study was national in scope with the data extrapolated from a study conducted in 2003-04. For girls who admitted to being sexually active, the rate jumps to 40 percent, with the majority of those having contracted HPV or human papillomavirus, the virus that can lead to cervical cancer.
The second study used data from a 2002 survey but used a bigger sample of participants; about 1700 of them answered questions about their sexual activity and the kinds of sex education they have received. Teens that have had formal sex education had lower pregnancy rates than kids who had either abstinence only sex education or no sex education at all. While studies have consistently shown abstinence only programs to be less effective in reducing the onset of sexual activity and the pregnancy rates of teens, than formal sex education; this is the first national study to compare the effects of comprehensive sex-ed and abstinence-only education, according to Pamela K. Kohler, of the Center for AIDS and STD at the University of Washington in Seattle.
I realize there are parents who are not a fan of the schools teaching sex education, and if we are talking about the schools doing the entire job themselves then I agree. However, much as I try to use a hammer when I want to hit a nail, and a screwdriver when I wish to tighten a screw, I believe in both parents and teachers doing the part of this job to which they are best suited. In practical terms, this means parents taking the lead by teaching the moral, philosophical, and possible life changing implications of sexual activities, while professionally trained teachers provide accurate, fact based biology and physiology lessons.
Parents have a number of challenges to overcome in order to provide biology and physiology lessons themselves, not the least of which is having accurate information available to pass on. The next challenge is the communication of that information. Parents and their teens are often embarrassed by having conversations about sex and associated behaviors. This embarrassment is usually a barrier to conveying much needed information, information that can impact the health and well being of all our children.
For these reasons and likely a number of others, many parents are doing a very poor job of holding up their end of the bargain. Parents, if you fail to do this job adequately your child can have their life derailed or even ended before it can begin. Please maintain a positive relationship with your kids, do your research, and ask for help if you need it. The stakes are too high to do any less.
Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

The Big "C"

2008-10-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I noticed a lump developing under my left arm. I have had a lymph node removed under that arm due to a scorpion sting in the Mohave Desert while in the Army. So I figured I had another lymph node acting up; but when it began to swell about the size of a tennis ball my wife decided it was time to see a doctor. Initially I refused to go, but something about a “double standard” when it comes to our health and a moderate dose of a guilt trip, quickly changed my mind.
With an elevated white blood cell count, a fever that comes and goes, and a general lack of energy, the Doc isn’t ruling anything out until later this week, giving the antibiotics a chance to kill the infection we all hope is the culprit. Please understand, I do not think I have cancer and I am not worried; if you know me and would be inclined to worry for me, please don’t, but I thank you for the thought. However, as you can imagine this episode got me to thinking, “How will I react if I find out that I do in fact have a form of cancer?”, “How do I hope I will react?” For the last year or so, my first thought when faced with a life choice or difficult circumstances is, “Hey, I should write a column about that. Maybe it will help someone in similar circumstances.”
As I began my research, I noticed two things right away: every source I read suggests becoming the best and smartest patient you can be, and second, having a loving support network of family, friends and fellow patients to walk this journey with you. While the research offered suggests men and women deal with their disease in different ways (men tend to crave information to help themselves intellectually but keep their emotions bottled up, and women tend to share emotions and experiences), the commonality for both is make sure you do not try to be “The Lone Ranger.”
At the website www.mayoclinic.com, Doctor Creagan advises that right after you receive your diagnosis you should make sure you bring someone along with you to the doctor’s office because most people are not in the frame of mind to remember many details. Along with that, learn the particulars of your disease, “What kind of cancer is it?”, “Where and what size is it, and has it spread?”, “Is the cancer slow growing or is it more aggressive?” Further, seek a second opinion but if those two opinions are close, don’t waste a lot of time going to six or seven doctors, the opinion is not likely to change.
After you have learned all you can about your disease and have become comfortable with your doctor, then learn all you can about your treatment options. The website www.emedicinehealth.com suggests in general, there are four possible treatment options: surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and “watchful waiting.” Make sure you understand the risks and benefits of each of these options; while you and your oncologist are in a partnership, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your body and health.
The last piece of advice my research provided is advice everyone can benefit from: Seize the Day! “Carpe diem” for those of you still familiar with Homer. And no I do not mean Homer Simpson for you jokers in the audience. Live each day for all that day is worth and be “in the moment” as much as you can. When you live one experience but worry about two others at the same time, you are not honoring the life you are in. Cancer or not, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow so live today as it’s your last, it just might be. Oh yeah in case of the bus thing, remember to wear clean underwear.
Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Teaching Children about Politics

2008-10-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

As adults, one of our best opportunities to have our voice heard and consequently one of our greatest responsibilities as citizens is to cast a ballot when we are given the opportunity to do so. This is true whether you are voting for a candidate or expressing your opinion of a bond or social issue. Passing on the importance of this civic duty to your children is just as important.
This year we are fortunate to have our children watch us vote for our own national leaders while at the same time, we can juxtapose our political system against the troubled areas of the world such as several African nations, Iraq, and Afghanistan. We are also fortunate to show our children a historic Presidential election. We have taken a huge step toward true political equality to minorities and women, as we have a minority candidate that seems to be gaining momentum every day and may well win the Presidency and if he doesn’t then a female candidate will be the Vice-President.
This new chapter in American history provides a fascinating backdrop for parents, as we teach our younger citizens one of the safeguards to our freedoms in the educated participation of all our citizens in the political process. Families can do several things to nurture a lifelong interest in politics, governance and public policy in their children:
Do your best to understand our political processes and the political systems of other countries. You can’t accurately explain what you don’t know. Be fair when explaining positions you don’t agree with, it will bite your backside if you don’t.
Encourage polite, open, and honest debate; especially if your children disagree with you. Your willingness to listen just might convince them you will listen if they need to talk to you about something really important.
If you don’t know the answer to something don’t fake it. Kids have a BS detector as sensitive as my beagle’s nose begging from the kitchen table. Besides, they will probably be given the right answer next week in school, so don’t knowingly undercut your credibility. Far better is to sit down together with a book or at the computer and look up the right answer.
Talk to your kids about how various public policies affect your family directly. Make sure your children know you vote in every election. If you know a service member, talking about their service immediately personalizes much of our foreign policy and opens doors to a chat about domestic policy.
Encourage them to write their political leaders with polite questions or comments, most will write back with an answer. Take them to a city council, school board meeting, or a political event.
Ask them their opinions; they may surprise you with their insight. If they disagree with you, don’t shoot them down; ask more questions, eventually they will figure out the “right answer” even if it isn’t your “right answer”.
Political growth is a process like mental and physical growth. You don’t get angry with your child for being only four feet tall; likewise, don’t be angry when they disagree with your position on Darfur or abortion. With your help, they will come to their own truth on these and other issues; but more important, they will be ready and willing to engage in the debate as knowledgeable adults and take their place as citizens.
Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Our Canine Companions

2008-10-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

This last week my best non-human buddy, a mostly beagle and terrier mix with a dash of dachshund of dubious parentage, “Copper” managed to get hurt out at the ranch. The Vet isn’t sure if he got kicked by horse, tried to jump on something and fell, or just managed to harm himself in one of another million ways. We tried asking the Vet and Copper, but so far no definite answers are forthcoming from either.
My sister found him as a puppy trying really hard to avoid being run over along an interstate, and brought the mess of a canine that would come to be known as “Copper” to Dawn and me to “watch him for a few days.” As all of you realized before I did, that dog was never leaving our house. He has now been a loyal family member while I was in Iraq, and through our move to Idaho and back, and has been a very good companion. Well, other than getting in the trash on occasion and that one time he snagged two perfect lamb chops off the counter in a caper worthy of Mission Impossible.
He is not a guard dog; in fact, for a treat he would probably help carry out the TV. While I had high hopes he would make a good rabbit and squirrel dog, I think he made a deal with the little critters, “Look guys, if you stay hidden for a couple of hours, I will bark like crazy every so often to make it look good. Then he and I will go home where I will get a treat, he’ll take a nap, and you guys won’t get shot. I don’t think he can hit the broad side of a barn, but let’s not take a chance. Do we have a deal?”
He gets his spot on the bed at night and Dawn and I get what’s left over, but if your heart is heavy or you are sick he is right there next to you till you feel better. He is always good for a laugh, and when he does something bad he can look so sad and pitiful, it’s hard to get mad at him. Copper definitely lives by the great American humorist Josh Billings’ sentiment, “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” This alone made the 300-dollar vet bill a non-decision even though we still don’t know what is wrong with him.
I wouldn’t think of trading Copper for any pure bred dog, no matter how high dollar. Please consider carefully whether you have room in your life for a pet, then make sure you have your pet spayed or neutered. Try adopting your next pet from the local animal shelter; they always have animals in need of adoption. “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”- Mark Twain

A Taste of Your Hometown

2008-10-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

As many of you may know, my family and I have moved back to Texas to be near family while I finish my education. Our moving led to Dawn and me walking through a small family owned business that has made hats here in Texas for eighty years. They have made hats for most of the cowboy and western movies many of us enjoyed as kids and continue to make hats with handmade craftsmanship.
Our little excursion precipitated a conversation between my lovely bride and me about how often most folks, us included, tend to neglect to visit those local treasures within a short drive of our homes, often for years. While in our case the treasured place was a family owned business, I am certainly thinking of local state parks and historical sites as well. So this week I wanted to list a few places we enjoyed while we lived in Coeur d’ Alene and encourage you all to visit them or see them again with new eyes if you have been before.
Old Mission State Park is the site of The Mission of the Sacred Heart, which in addition to begin very beautiful, is the oldest standing building in Idaho. The park has exhibits highlighting the role of the Mission in the lives of the Coeur d’ Alene tribe. The park is open from 9 am – 5 pm year round.
Downtown in CDA is the Fort Sherman Museum on the North Idaho College campus. This museum holds artifacts from both soldiers and Indians from the 1800s, and is open from 1 pm to 4:45 pm from 1 May to 30 September. The museum has a store and nearby is the Ft. Sherman Chapel.
Post Falls is home to both the Treaty Park Historic Site and Falls Park. With several picnic areas, paved trails and handicapped accessible, these parks are both beautiful and historically important to the entire North Idaho area. There are also areas to have family or class reunions that can be reserved by contacting the Parks reservation office at 208-773-0539.
In Wallace, you can find both the Sierra Silver Mine and the Oasis Bordello Museum (the only other Museum dedicated to a brothel I have come across was in Fayetteville, Arkansas). However, a quick search on the internet proved several states have such museums, so I guess I have lived a sheltered life. The mine and the museum have something of an intertwined history in that the mining industry and the lack of women in North Idaho at the time saw the birth of the brothel. Although, it was interesting to find the world’s oldest profession managed to operate openly until 1988. While it is suggested you bring a light jacket to the mine, the museum requires no such preparation.
Last on my list for this week is the geyser in Soda Springs. This geyser is notable because the water combines with the carbon dioxide gas in an underground chamber and is released every hour on the hour.
I hope you will take your families to these Idaho treasures, the sites themselves are great, but the memories you will create together will be the lasting treasure. As for me, I think I am going to buy a hat like my favorite western hero!

Do the Good

2008-10-02T08:06:00.000-07:00

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do”- Voltaire
This quote came to mind the other night as a friend and I were talking about community activism. He rightly pointed out, that while there is never a shortage of people available to launch slings and arrows at those who would do their best to help our community, state, or nation move forward, there is definitely a shortage of those who will roll up their sleeves and do the hard work helping the community to become better. “What is ‘better’,” you might ask?
In my mind, “better” is anything that increases our care, compassion, and empathy for one another. “Better” is independent of political ideology, education, intelligence, or talent. “Better” is anything one can do to lighten the load for our fellow man. “Better” means working to help those who can’t help themselves such as children, the elderly, or frankly even someone who just finds themselves going through a rough spot in life. George Bernard Shaw sums up this idea, “The worst sin towards our fellow man is not to hate them but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity.”
Helping others has a restorative power for us as well. Psychologists and sociologists use the word “resilience” when they wish to describe the ability of people to persevere in the wake of tragedy and challenge. Resilience and self-esteem are both increased when a person engages in selfless service. As you can see, there is a payoff for the giver of time and talent as well as for the receiver of those gifts.
If you become overwhelmed when trying to find ways to make a difference in regard to society’s problems, then I suggest you start simple. Read to a class of youngsters, talk to a classroom of kids about living through WWII or the Civil Rights Movement, volunteer to organize a “board game night” for a group of elderly citizens, or offer your construction expertise to Habitat for Humanity. “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” – Aesop
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke about our interdependence, our reliance on others. "As long as there is poverty in the world I can never be rich, even if I have a billion dollars. As long as diseases are rampant and millions of people in this world cannot expect to live more than twenty-eight or thirty years, I can never be totally healthy, even if I just got a good checkup at the Mayo Clinic. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the way our world is made. No individual or nation can stand out boasting of being independent. We are all interdependent."
At no time in history was his observation truer than now. With instant world-wide communication, and a global economy, we are all connected to each other in ways that are alternatively scary and exhilarating. While competition will move an individual forward, only collaboration will provide the ability to overcome the challenges that face us locally and globally. "The ancient human question 'Who am I?' leads inevitably to the equally important question 'Whose am I?' -- for there is no self outside of relationship." - Parker Palmer
None of us knows where tomorrow will find us, or whether it will find us at all. For this reason alone, do not put off the good you can do today in the hopes of a greater good tomorrow. Gerry Harvieux noted, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”

Teaching Self-Control

2008-10-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

“Control thy passion lest they take vengeance on thee.” - Epictetus
Last week I wrote the school system should not be responsible for disciplining children, parents should. Because I do not believe in pointing out a problem without providing some kind of solution, I want to reiterate what experts have to say on this subject and pass on some of the tools and techniques they suggest.
Research across the US suggests that a child’s level of self control relative to their peers is largely set by age 10, and while the development of self control will continue as they mature, they will not suddenly become more disciplined than their peers if they were less disciplined at age 10. The primary cause of low self control is believed to be parents who fail to monitor the child’s behavior, and using a loving, consistent, reward and punishment system, modify the child’s behavior. You will hopefully notice none of these methods include corporal punishment. So to that end here are a few suggestions to developing self control in your children:
1. Be a good example. “He preaches well that lives well.” – Miguel De Cervantes. If your children see you flying off the handle at traffic, your spouse, or the child themselves, they will see little reason to exhibit self control. So when disciplining your child, stay in control yourself and explain there are consequences for losing one’s self control. Then calmly explain what those consequences are.
2. When your child is angry, excessively excited, or too wound up encourage them to “take a break”, chat with them a moment about what they are feeling so they learn to recognize the signs of a meltdown.
3. Set fair and reasonable limits. These limits must be consistently enforced whether in public or at home.
4. Make sure your instructions are clear. If you were unclear or if the child did not understand or is not capable of complying that is your shortcoming as a parent, not the child’s behavior. Chalk it up to your own learning.
5. Use appropriate rewards. Small, constant, positive feedback will go a long way to teaching self restraint. This feedback and rewards can be simply, “I am so proud of the way you handled yourself back there, that was very grown-up.”
6. The National Association of School Psychologists have a website (www.teachersandfamilies.com) with age appropriate role playing games to help you speak on a child’s level (as young as 3 to 5 years of age). These games are intended to work on self control in a positive manner and teach parental skills that can be modified as the child grows.
7. Be consistent, be fair, and do what you say you are going to do as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
8. Last, and by far most importantly, love your children. Hug them, touch them, be unselfish to them, serve their needs before your own, and by all means tell them you love them and are proud of them constantly. When you do this, the child is far more likely to want to please you to hear such things.
Teaching your children self-control and self-discipline is your responsibility and while the failure to do so is yours as a parent; your child will pay the price for your failure. This can be a difficult job, especially if your own level of self control is low; however the reward for doing a good job is a successful, well adjusted child, of whom you maybe justifiably proud.

Teen Dating Violence

2008-10-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

This week I was supposed to cover how to have as healthy a divorce as possible, and I promise I will do that next week. As so often happens in my life, I find more pressing matters sometimes preempt my best-laid plans. Such is the case this week.
My friend Camie Wereley, from the CDA Women’s Center, and I were talking this week about the teen dating violence awareness workshop I attended a couple of weeks ago, and she informed me this first week of February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Week. Because I have four teenagers, two boys and two girls, I get to enjoy four helpings of the angst every parent is served when their teenager begins to date, and so this topic holds particular concern for me. It should hold general concern for all of us as we guide our teenagers through learning to be in relationship with each other. For those of you from the “Show Me” state, and anyone else that is skeptical this is a problem. . .
The following statistics are from the Bureau of Justice in May 2000:
Thirty to fifty percent of high school students report having already experienced some form of teen dating violence.
One in three either have been or will be in an abusive relationship.
Young women (16-24) experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence- almost 20/1000
38% of “date rape” victims are 14-17 years old and 68% of women raped knew their rapist as a boyfriend, friend or acquaintance.
While boys can be abuse victims, usually it is not with physical violence but controlling behavior such as constant texting or calling and threatening to harm herself if he ends the relationship.
There are other statistics showing how wide spread the problem is, my hope is you are asking yourself what you can do about it. If you are a teen and experiencing dating violence then tell someone you trust and get help. Telling your parents is a great place to start; they want to help. However, if you can’t tell them, call Project Safe Place 208-676- 0772 and the Women’s Center has a 24 hr Crisis Intervention Line 208-664-9303.
If you are a parent, modeling good relationship behaviors is the place to start. Dad, your kids see how you treat your wife, or partner, in the case of divorced homes. Girls from a home of abuse are more likely to have every social problem we know of from teenage pregnancy, to drug abuse, to being abused themselves. Mom if you are being abused and staying with the relationship, your daughters are far more likely to be abused and your sons far more likely to become abusers. Parents, communicate with your kids LONG before they begin dating. Let your daughter know what behavior she should expect from a date and make sure your son knows the behavior you expect from him.
Learn to recognize the signs of abuse and do not be afraid to get involved in your child’s dating habits. They are learning how to be in relationship and need to be coached; either you will coach them or most likely the friend you like the least is going to. You should meet and get to know every date. If you see a boyfriend being controlling, physical signs of injury, failing grades or truancy, use of drugs or alcohol, emotional outbursts or changes in mood or personality then get involved. Let them know you’re there to help and support; use active listening skills and try very hard not to be judgmental.
Parents and teens alike, this can be a special time in both of your lives with a little common sense, open and honest communication, adherence to agreed upon family rules, and love and respect.

Graduation

2008-10-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

With all the local high schools conducting commencement ceremonies over the last week, we have a bumper crop of freshly minted graduates beginning to take their place in the world. I congratulate them and their relieved parents; and maybe more this year than others, because my oldest son joins them in beginning to make his way in the world. I say making his way in the “world” because we have gotten to a point in human history in which a sizeable percentage of them will work, vacation, and maybe even marry, the world over.
Given the virtually limitless possibilities the world has to offer let me suggest the graduates consider the following as options before they head off to further education or enter the work force.
1. Volunteer in our community. There are a number of organizations in our community that can use your energy and passion. You will gain some experience outside your comfort zone, an empathy for others and hopefully you will find a desire to make helping others a life-long pursuit.
2. Volunteer on a political campaign. I don’t care which level of government, candidate or political party you choose to help; you will gain a greater understanding of the political process, an appreciation of the complexity of the issues facing our nation and a deeper love of country for the experience.
3. Take a class. If you are going to school with hopes of becoming a brain surgeon then take a class at NIC’s Vo-tech center on car maintenance. If you are going to become a mechanic, then take a class in pottery or poetry. The idea is to continue to stretch your mind, become a better-rounded person, and meet different people than you might otherwise. If you get nothing else out of the experience, you will have a great conversation starter to the opposite sex.
4. Travel with a purpose. I am not talking about going on some random road trip. I am suggesting traveling to a place you have never been, where the people are very different, the food is strange and there is an artistic, cultural, or historical gem to be discovered.
5. Resolve to read one book of quality per month. Historical biographies, classic literature, and books written for edification and self-improvement would be good choices. Your teachers were not kidding when they said you should become a “life-long learner.”
I will leave you with a thought by author Morris L. West; it is perhaps the best advice I can give you in the attempt to live a full life. He says, “It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment, or the courage, to pay the price.... One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover, and yet demand no easy return of love. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.”
God Speed.

I'm Back!!

2008-10-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

I am sorry for the time away, but I have moved from Idaho back down to Texas. Between getting the kids into new schools, getting our stuff down here and all the other concerns for moving I am just now getting caught up. I am going to post all of the columns you might have missed while I wasn't posting here. I hope you enjoy them and post comments as you see fit.

Mark

Teen Drinking

2008-10-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Last week the CDA police department released a statement informing the public they would begin cracking down on “house parties” and underage drinking. I was disappointed by the lack of facts used in the on-line discussion. Because I have a university-bound, underage son, and three high school age children and I drive on our roads from time to time, I definitely have a dog in this fight.
I want to provide some perspective with solid research that was neither commissioned by MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) nor by the Alcohol Producers of the World. This means quality, peer reviewed literature, preferably that has been replicated by another set of researchers. Because underage drinking and the ills it spawns are so rampant, finding such research was easy.
Because I don’t want to scare every responsible parent under their beds, not coming out until their children are 34; let’s just focus on kids 18-20. As an aside, if you don’t have a rank in front of your name, such as Private, Sergeant, or Lieutenant and you are under 25, then you are still a kid to most of us over 40. If we aren’t offended when you think we are old, you shouldn’t be offended when we think of you as kids.
According to the National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions (NESARC) 2001-2002 study, 68.4% of young men and 59.7% of young women drank within the past year of the study and 46.8% and 34.5% respectively exceeded the daily drinking limit of more than four drinks in a single day. Kids 18-20 were intoxicated an average of 20.0 days within the year and the average age of drinking onset was 16.7 years of age. Of the kids who drank heavily in the year, 66% drove under the influence and 42% often drove or rode without a seat belt.
Other risky behaviors include engaging in unprotected sex, which according to a study from 2005, increases the STD and AIDS infection rates dramatically. Three studies from Harvard University, found that college age women, who drank heavily in high school were four times more likely to experience sexual assault while in college. Age is further a factor when you consider that if you are under 21, you increase your risk factor for sexual assault by nearly 50%.
A study in the Journal of Human Resources from 2001, shows a direct relationship between a state’s legal drinking age and teen childbearing rates. In what should be a surprise to no one, there is a causal relationship between increased availability of alcohol and teenage pregnancy. Teens who drink heavily are 63 % more likely to be teen mothers. We all know the financial and societal consequences of teen pregnancy.
No matter how you wish to slice it, the data says lowering the drinking age from 21 is a bad idea and worse public policy. In fact, if we as a society would like to instantly lower alcoholism rates, teenage pregnancy rates, STD transmission rates, DUI rates, and dating violence of all kinds, we would raise the drinking age to 25 and stiffen penalties for providing alcohol to those not old enough to purchase it.
I can hear the clamor and gnashing of teeth already from those under 25; and one of the central arguments is the “if I can go fight for my country why can’t I drink?” If you haven’t been drafted or aren’t currently serving, your argument is moot. If you are currently serving, DOD’s policy says you cannot legally drink on a DOD installation under 21. The services regulate almost every aspect of your life to the needs of the service; this is no different.
I hope you will give some thought to the facts of this topic and then give support to local law enforcement to give voice that we care more for all our kids than we do some misguided and antiquated “Right of Passage.”

Different Paths to the Same Goal

2008-05-07T12:22:00.000-07:00

"There is a place in America to take a stand: it is public education. It is the underpinning of our cultural and political system. It is the great common ground. Public education after all is the engine that moves us as a society toward a common destiny... It is in public education that the American dream begins to take shape." —Tom Brokaw
My volume of mail went up considerably last week after my column on home schooling in Idaho and I suspect there will be similar debate over the topic of charter schools. I am a fan of home schooling and other educational alternatives, if and only if, they can be shown to be effective for each child they are applied to. If an alternative can be demonstrated to be effective for one family then that family should be allowed to continue whatever they are doing that is working. If a family wishes to do something outside the mainstream, then it should be incumbent upon that family to demonstrate effectiveness. However, failing to educate or failing to demonstrate progress, should not be an option.
Charter schools, across the US have received a mixed report card, much in the way home schooling, or public school, for that matter. My conversation with the principal of our own Charter School and the public school administration illustrates three reasons for this mixed report card.
Parent involvement- Ask virtually any teacher in any setting, and they will tell you that parental involvement and support is the most important indicator of educational success. A child from a functional, loving, nurturing home, where a safe, quiet place to do homework, high expectations and maybe even a little tutoring when needed, will always outperform the student that does not enjoy these advantages. This is the biggest challenge all school systems face. Our local charter school, IB, AP, and high-achieving home schools, enjoy a high percentage of students from highly functioning backgrounds. The less of these advantages available to a student the poorer student performance will be, and the more expensive education is to the taxpayer.
Appropriate goals- The goals of society, governmental agencies, the educational system, the parent and the student themselves, must all be in agreement before the most effective education can take place. What kind of education is to be delivered? Mainstreaming or tracking, college prep or vo-tech training, academic, athletic or social emphasis? Much of the challenge for all school systems stems from a lack of consensus on all these topics. Charter families have the same goals as the school system they are part of, or they change systems in very short order.
Right setting for the right student- Placing the child in an environment the student can thrive in can make a real difference. Large school or small, highly structured or more liaise faire, regular public school, charter, or home school. Charter school families make an active decision to go to charter in the first place, insuring some level of commitment to the system from day one; then if they realize the system isn’t for them, they can easily go back to the regular public school they came from. This is another reason charter schools can boast a performance advantage over a regular public school, but it is also why the charter model is not a panacea for the ills of education in the US.
Charter schools, magnet schools, public school and even home schooling can be very successful if these three challenges are taken into account and planned for. However, no matter which of these systems a family uses to educate their children, we all have a vested interest in ensuring children are receiving as good and as much education as they can. As a society, the way this goal is achieved is to track each child using the tools of curriculum review and yes, standardized testing.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is the author of a new book, Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb; it may be purchased at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other on-line retailers. Mark can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Home Schooling in Idaho

2008-05-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

Democracy cannot succeed unless those who express their choice are prepared to choose wisely. The real safeguard of democracy, therefore, is education. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
With the debate over the proposed levy heating up, it has been suggested to me that home schooling and charter schools are viable options for teaching large numbers of children. Before engaging in the viability of alternative systems for educating children, it is important to review the primary reasons public schools were started in the first place. The first was the need for a semi-trained work force to serve the requirements of a rapidly industrializing nation, and the second was because most parents then, like today, lacked the capacity in time, temperament, discipline and education to do the job themselves. In addition, as FDR and many others have pointed out, for representative government to succeed over the long run, the first requirement is an educated electorate.
These reasons are why society will always have a compelling interest in the education of the children that will become its adults and why policy must address all children, not just some. No doubt there are a very small percentage of families that make homeschooling work. However, as you are reading this, no one can tell us how many children are being home-schooled in Idaho, nor can they tell you how effectively that job is being done. They can’t tell you because that data is not collected by anyone. No Idaho agency requires parents to inform them how they are homeschooling, and neither testing nor inspection is done to insure the instruction is taking place.
The state does not keep track of how many home-school students there are, what grade level they have progressed to, whether they fulfill graduation or GED requirements, or how many go on to college. They also do not mandate that parents submit a curriculum, or students sit for an ISAT or SAT test. Therefore, the test scores home school organizations tout are only of the brightest or at least of the ones lucky enough to live in a family where education is taken seriously enough that parents realize they need to make sure their student is on track, or ahead of, their public school peers. My guess is if you only tested the top 25% of public school kids, the home-schoolers would be trounced soundly for all the reasons I mentioned earlier. However, because home school kids are neither tracked nor tested, we don’t have any way of proving my contention one way or another.
Further complicating matters is the fact that it is virtually impossible for authorities to prove that education is not taking place in a home. Only in cases of divorce where one parent is complaining against another or in a case of suspected abuse where an investigation exposes a student not being educated, do authorities have the ability to act. In this regard, the law is wholly inadequate to protect children from the neglect of not being educated.
If you are looking for someone to blame for this mess, the list is short. First parents, for their arrogance in believing they can teach subjects that for most of them they barely learned when they were students, and time has eroded most of the rest of their knowledge. The next is our legislators for pandering to citizens who fall in the first category or who are borderline paranoid. While I realize you have a tough time being elected when you call the electorate uneducated or stupid; you don’t have to tie the hands of the very people that spend their professional lives passing the knowledge of one generation to the next. Surely, there is common ground we can find in insuring that children are receiving a full measure of the only earthly birthright they are all entitled to: as much education as they can soak up.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is the author of a new book, Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb; it may be purchased at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other on-line retailers. Mark can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Who Will? I Will!

2008-04-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.—Mahatma Gandhi
With the school year rapidly coming to a close, producing a bumper crop of High School graduates; I was asked to write a column about youth volunteering to make our world a better place. With the recent story of out of control girls pummeling a classmate senseless and local knuckleheads spitting on a woman’s car, one might be tempted to believe the worst; but as with most things, our youth receive a mixed report card. A number of economists and sociologists have noted that both income and education levels are diverging, with smaller numbers of people having more of both these things. Like the connection between education and income level, there are similar connections between education, income level and volunteerism.
According to a study by the Corporation for National and Community Service, 59% of non-disadvantaged youth volunteer, while youth from disadvantaged homes have a volunteer rate of 43%, and have lower rates of participation in service learning or school civic clubs. However, it is disadvantaged youth that have more to gain, and they possibly get more from volunteering. It is not my intent to republish the results of this study, but I find it interesting that youth from disadvantaged households are more likely to volunteer with religious organizations, and they are most likely to volunteer when asked by a teacher.
Youth volunteerism is on the rise, and the value of that free labor is estimated to be worth over 34 billion dollars (yes, that’s “billion” with a “b”) per year. These youth are more likely to discuss politics, more likely to believe they can make a difference in the world, more likely to believe they can graduate from college and are 3.5 times more likely to volunteer in the next year. Parents, if you need just one reason to nudge your child to volunteer, how about the fact that a child that volunteers just one hour a week is 50% less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, cigarettes or engage in destructive behavior?
Before we all overdose on a picture made of sweetness and light, may I remind everyone that teenage violence is also up; whether one measures the violence by numbers of incidents, or by the level of that violence. I point this out to drive home my original assertion we are seeing a divergence in society in which education, income level and volunteerism are connected, not by cause and effect, but in a correlational relationship.
In 1997, only 37% of American adults believed children would make the world a better place, and 61% believed youth faced a moral and ethical crisis and viewed them as undisciplined, disrespectful and unfriendly. However, as of 2004, youth volunteered at a rate over double the rate adults did, and the rate older teens volunteer is double the rate of older teens from 1989. While we might pause to pat ourselves on the back, our time would be better spent patting the volunteering youth of our nation on the back.
If you wish to do something powerful for your child, your community and your nation, encourage your children to volunteer. The best way you can encourage volunteerism is to volunteer to work with them. We have a number of local organizations that could use your help, and I will highlight some of them next week. In the meantime, if you need somewhere to apply you time and talents, email me and I will be happy to provide some local suggestions.

Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling, is currently working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University, and is more than happy to speak to your group or organization. He can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Aging Gracefully

2008-04-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.—Dalai Lama
Last week we talked about knowing when a parent needs change from total independence to needing some sort of assistance and then knowing what that assistance might be. Few of us want to be dependent on someone else, especially when that dependence seems to signal the twilight of one’s life. This week I am going to outline some of the options for care and provide a couple of websites to get more information. As with most columns, I realize this advice is neither original nor particularly complicated, but the value, if any, comes from knowing where to get additional information and the realization that you are not alone, whether you are the caregiver, or the person receiving care.
As I usually suggest in these columns, deciding as a family what the goal is should come first. Is the goal to have medical science squeeze every last day out of life, or is the goal a more natural end of life where the person is as pain-free as possible, while maintaining the dignity of the elderly? This decision is highly personal and shouldn’t be pushed, but many of the subsequent decisions depend upon the answer to this first question.
Many people have the laudable goal of keeping one’s parents or other loved ones in the home with them and feel guilty if that goal isn’t met. Let me suggest that vision is not only not practical in society for most families; it is rarely good for either the family, or the person being cared for. Studies consistently show that for most families the caregiver(s) incurs great strains in emotional, physical, and financial terms. Accordingly, the care provided is often not as capable as a professional might be able to give.
If assistance is deemed necessary for an elderly person, there are a number of options, from in home care to semi-independent living centers to full care centers. Again, using one or more of the resources listed below is a good place to start. After a decision is made as to what type of care is needed, consistent effort will be required to find the best care possible and then staying available to ensure the emotional and physical well being of your loved one.
Many families live far away from the elderly person requiring a little help or a lot of care. This means a greater challenge than when families live close by; however, many of the steps to providing care are the same. First, gather all the information you can: doctors, neighbors, friends and other family members can all provide perspective. Start early and be proactive. Make sure you have phone numbers (a local phone book can be a great help), medical records, financial and legal documents, should all be kept secure but easily accessible in case of an emergency.
Ask for help. In almost any town there are professionals who can provide advice and counseling for the elderly person and the caregiver. Pay attention to the signs of depression in both parties and don’ t be shy about asking for help. Be sensitive to the desires of the elderly person requiring care, mostly because it’s the right thing to do; however, for the more practical among us, we will all find ourselves in our twilight.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is the author of a new book, Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb; it may be purchased at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other on-line retailers. Mark can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

The Future We Will All One Day Meet

2008-04-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

“Will you still need me, will you still feed me...When I'm sixty-four?”- Paul McCartney
This week I want to shift gears a bit and talk about something that affects and effects all families in modern society to an ever greater degree, how we care for our loved ones in the twilight of their lives. The first decision that has to be made concerning the loving care for our elderly is to determine when our loved ones need help. For the most fortunate among us, they need very little in the way of help other than the most strenuous of tasks.
The first step in this process then is to talk with your parents about how they envision ageing and what they want their future to look like. This should be a series of conversations, started long before they are necessary. This minimizes the stress and reluctance for both the parent and the adult child. Realize that just because someone gets older, they do not lose their right to make decisions; even decisions you disagree with. Of course, if dementia, depression, or mental illness is suspected then a visit to a gerontologist, meaning a doctor specializing in the care of the elderly, is certainly warranted.
Next, you should do an assessment of how the parent is ageing. Is their overall health good? Do they have hobbies and friends that keep them busy and engaged, mentally and physically? Can they dress, feed and care for themselves? When assessing if an elderly person can safely drive, keep in mind that number of cities have prosecuted elderly people for accidents if they really shouldn’t have been driving. Can they hear their smoke alarms, and can they get out of bed and out of the house in a timely manner if they have to?
Look at the support systems available to the person you are caring for. Do you live nearby or across the US? Do siblings or other willing family members live in town? Do they have access to a Senior Center for camaraderie and maybe counseling? Do they keep a list of emergency numbers near the phone and are they willing to use it?
Something that often complicates matters is if both parents are in need of care and still live together. While this certainly has many rewards, emotional and psychological chief among them, it can also be a great source of stress and a possible challenge. If one partner needs more care than the other, one spouse may try to do too much in caring for their beloved, and in the process hurt themselves. The difficulty of day in and day out care may cause long-term problems as well.
Over the next few weeks, I will continue to explore ageing and the challenges all parties in the process have to face. I will suggest local agencies for hands on help, but the AARP and eHow websites have a great deal of helpful information to get you started.
The great Bette Davis spoke with wisdom when she noted, “Old age is no place for sissies.” As I consistently counsel in these columns, please act with compassion and empathy toward children and the elderly, for surely we have each been in the former group and we all hope to reach the latter.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is the author of a new book, Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb; it may be purchased at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other on-line retailers. Mark can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Dealing with Aging Parents

2008-04-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

“Will you still need me, will you still feed me...When I'm sixty-four?”- Paul McCartney
This week I want to shift gears a bit and talk about something that affects and effects all families in modern society to an ever greater degree, how we care for our loved ones in the twilight of their lives. The first decision that has to be made concerning the loving care for our elderly is to determine when our loved ones need help. For the most fortunate among us, they need very little in the way of help other than the most strenuous of tasks.
The first step in this process then is to talk with your parents about how they envision ageing and what they want their future to look like. This should be a series of conversations, started long before they are necessary. This minimizes the stress and reluctance for both the parent and the adult child. Realize that just because someone gets older, they do not lose their right to make decisions; even decisions you disagree with. Of course, if dementia, depression, or mental illness is suspected then a visit to a gerontologist, meaning a doctor specializing in the care of the elderly, is certainly warranted.
Next, you should do an assessment of how the parent is ageing. Is their overall health good? Do they have hobbies and friends that keep them busy and engaged, mentally and physically? Can they dress, feed and care for themselves? When assessing if an elderly person can safely drive, keep in mind that number of cities have prosecuted elderly people for accidents if they really shouldn’t have been driving. Can they hear their smoke alarms, and can they get out of bed and out of the house in a timely manner if they have to?
Look at the support systems available to the person you are caring for. Do you live nearby or across the US? Do siblings or other willing family members live in town? Do they have access to a Senior Center for camaraderie and maybe counseling? Do they keep a list of emergency numbers near the phone and are they willing to use it?
Something that often complicates matters is if both parents are in need of care and still live together. While this certainly has many rewards, emotional and psychological chief among them, it can also be a great source of stress and a possible challenge. If one partner needs more care than the other, one spouse may try to do too much in caring for their beloved, and in the process hurt themselves. The difficulty of day in and day out care may cause long-term problems as well.
Over the next few weeks, I will continue to explore ageing and the challenges all parties in the process have to face. I will suggest local agencies for hands on help, but the AARP and eHow websites have a great deal of helpful information to get you started.
The great Bette Davis spoke with wisdom when she noted, “Old age is no place for sissies.” As I consistently counsel in these columns, please act with compassion and empathy toward children and the elderly, for surely we have each been in the former group and we all hope to reach the latter.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He is the author of a new book, Leadership For All the Mountains You Climb; it may be purchased at Barnes and Noble, Amazon and other on-line retailers. Mark can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Birds and the Bees

2008-04-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

Because of the passions ignited over the topic of sex education in schools (no pun intended, ok, yes it is intended, I couldn’t resist) I have purposely tried to avoid putting a dog in the fight. However, in the last two weeks two major studies have come out providing strong evidence for both the necessity and the efficacy of formal sex education.
The first study, says 1 in 4 teenage girls has at least one sexually transmitted disease. This study was reviewed in the Press a week or so ago and sends the blunt message that “abstinence only” sex-ed messages don’t work. The study was national in scope with the data extrapolated from a study conducted in 2003-04. For girls who admitted to being sexually active, the rate jumps to 40 percent, with the majority of those having contracted HPV or human papillomavirus, the virus that can lead to cervical cancer.
The second study used data from a 2002 survey but used a bigger sample of participants; about 1700 of them answered questions about their sexual activity and the kinds of sex education they have received. Teens that have had formal sex education had lower pregnancy rates than kids who had either abstinence only sex education or no sex education at all. While studies have consistently shown abstinence only programs to be less effective in reducing the onset of sexual activity and the pregnancy rates of teens, than formal sex education; this is the first national study to compare the effects of comprehensive sex-ed and abstinence-only education, according to Pamela K. Kohler, of the Center for AIDS and STD at the University of Washington in Seattle.
I realize there are parents who are not a fan of the schools teaching sex education, and if we are talking about the schools doing the entire job themselves then I agree. However, much as I try to use a hammer when I want to hit a nail, and a screwdriver when I wish to tighten a screw, I believe in both parents and teachers doing the part of this job to which they are best suited. In practical terms, this means parents taking the lead by teaching the moral, philosophical, and possible life changing implications of sexual activities, while professionally trained teachers provide accurate, fact based biology and physiology lessons.
Parents have a number of challenges to overcome in order to provide biology and physiology lessons themselves, not the least of which is having accurate information available to pass on. The next challenge is the communication of that information. Parents and their teens are often embarrassed by having conversations about sex and associated behaviors. This embarrassment is usually a barrier to conveying much needed information, information that can impact the health and well being of all our children.
For these reasons and likely a number of others, many parents are doing a very poor job of holding up their end of the bargain. Parents, if you fail to do this job adequately your child can have their life derailed or even ended before it can begin. Please maintain a positive relationship with your kids, do your research, and ask for help if you need it. The stakes are too high to do any less.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Music Appreciation

2008-03-25T22:07:00.001-07:00

Music is the universal language of mankind.- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I enjoy driving my kids to school in the mornings, it is an opportune time to chat and catch up on their lives and then wish them well on their upcoming day. Usually I have the three high-schoolers with me in the Jeep, and while we share some of the same musical tastes, for the most part they listen to more modern music than I do. Here I am using the term “music” very loosely, at least when compared to my usual definition of the word.
This brings me to my central thought for the week. For most of us, music is a window to remember thoughts and feelings we were experiencing the first time we heard a particular song or piece of music. For example, the reason I still listen to Elvis on occasion is his music reminds me of good times with my mother, as she and I would watch Elvis movies; I love the Beach Boys because of the feeling of sun, beach fun and youthful exuberance their tunes represented. Oliver Wendell Holmes suggested, “Take a music bath once or twice a week for a few seasons. You will find it is to the soul what a water bath is to the body.”
I read a survey recently that showed when people have a celebration or tragedy; they want to hear traditional church hymns at a funeral for example, even if they normally attend a more contemporary service or do not attend church regularly. During the Christmas season we sing carols and at New Year’s Eve celebrations we still sing “Auld Lang Syne” even though few of us even know what a “Lang” is anymore. The afore-mentioned study, proposed the reason people are comforted by those songs is largely the memories they have of family and closeness in times of celebration or tragedy.
This brings me back around to our morning rides to school when I’m tortured by my kids’ musical tastes. I have come to realize they, like me, listen to what they do because of the memories they created and friends they were with when they heard these songs in the same way I did years ago. I also recognize that music has a generational identity to it, my personal guess is societal, and political pressures, influence these choices. If I hear something in the music I find objectionable such as lyric content, we can and usually do, have a conversation about what affect and effect the music has on them.
The bottom line is each of us as parents can choose to listen to the music our kids listen to with an open mind, or to discount their musical choices as “not really music.” When we do that, we run the risk of discounting the feelings and memories that make the music “music” in the first place. While I still have to steel myself on occasion when they insist on listening to a band that evidently received their instruments via mail order a few weeks ago, I still listen intently and try to ask intelligent questions about what message the band is trying to say and use that for fodder to spur conversation about their lives.
I must admit that while “Foo” is always something to fight against, I do hope those poor five guys who have been marooned for several years now are rescued soon.

Family Traditions

2008-03-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

Last week I wrote about one particular family tradition that I hope all families will take advantage of, that of parent and child outings that we call Daddy/ Daughter, or Mom/Son dates. These “dates” are a fantastic tradition that allows a parent some quality one on one time with each of their children and eventually your kids will carry on this tradition when they have children of their own.
This week I want to talk about other traditions you can do as a family. Some of these traditions you probably already do or you have some other traditions you have started as a family. Keep doing them! Your traditions can and should be as special as your family is and reflect your family’s individuality. Many family professionals agree that most strong families have strong family traditions and these traditions reflect family interactions within the family unit, extended family, and the community at large.
Family traditions also provide a backdrop for good time and pleasant memories that the family puts in an “emotional back account” to be drawn on during hard times. This emotional bank account pays dividends twice: once when the deposit is made during the family activity or the acting out of the tradition as family connections are formed and deepened; then again during emotionally trying times as family connections are tested and strengthened. You might ask, “I agree family traditions are important, how do we develop them in our own family?” I am glad you asked.
Perhaps the easiest and most common family tradition is sharing a meal together. For most of us this is the evening meal, but for other families it can be breakfast. I have written about this tradition before so rather than review it again I will just suggest that you spend whatever energy you have to as a family to make this one happen. If you ask everyone to be prepared to discuss his or her day and perhaps something they are thankful for, this can be a very valuable tradition.
Most families celebrate birthdays, but have you ever thought of halfway celebrating half-birthdays? At the six-month mark for a family member’s birthday you make a half cake, buy (or make) a small gift, for half a day treat the honoree with special treatment and maybe sing half of “Happy Birthday”.
Here in the great Northwest, where we have a veritable cornucopia of outdoor activities available year round, start the tradition of “family activity day” so each Sunday (maybe after church), a different person in the family picks an activity to do together. It can be as elaborate as skiing or rock climbing, or as simple as a nature hike in a local patch of woods.
Speaking of church, as I mentioned several articles ago I do not intend to promote one religion over another or religion at all for that matter, however marriages and families that go to church more than once a month together are far more likely to be healthy than those that do not.
In keeping with this line of thought, may I suggest volunteering as a family for a cause everyone in the family agrees is important, such as feeding the homeless, working at the humane society or anyone of a hundred worthy causes around town that need the help. You will likely become closer working together and spending time together, and you may be more appreciative of your own family if you experience people who are not as lucky as you are, to have a wonderful, loving, family to love and rely on.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

A Different Kind Of Date

2008-03-08T20:25:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I was at the Doughnut House on Government Way, eating a doughnut and drinking chocolate milk that had been cut with some white milk (because chocolate milk straight out of the carton makes me flop on the floor in a chocolate induced fit). My wife shakes her head sadly at me for not being able to handle what we call “girl chocolate milk”; my “watered down” version is euphemistically referred to as “boy chocolate milk”. However, I digress; back to my doughnut.
As I took my last bite of sweetened, fried dough I noticed a little girl strut through the door with her dad. I very purposely use the word “strut” because I don’t know of another word that could describe the vivacity and panache she exuded with each little step. She was blonde haired and blue eyed, about two years old. She was wearing pink princess shoes and little sunglasses that very coolly covered those pretty blue eyes. In fourteen or fifteen years, she will only be missing the convertible with the top down to stop half the clocks in Kootenai County. She only stood two foot nothing but I couldn’t help but wonder how God managed to stuff six feet worth of attitude in someone only two feet tall.
Here is a young lady that knew what she wanted, and while polite, very matter-of-factly told her Dad what she wanted. After getting her doughnut and milk, she took her Dad to an empty table, climbed in to a chair and talked to her Dad about all kinds of things. I couldn’t get all of what she said, largely because my wife and daughters kept telling me and each other how cute she was. “Of course she is cute”, was all I could think, the angels themselves must have fought over who got to deliver her to her parents.
I do not know where Mom was; hopefully, she was at home enjoying a little uninterrupted sleep. The important part was that dad and daughter were having a fine time. I am sure she is too young to remember the day, but I am praying her Dad won’t forget it. If he reads this, “Dad keep it up”; for the rest of us with kids, we should try at least once a month to have a “date” with our kids. Just one of us and one of them, doing dang near anything, where we can open our ears and let them tell us what they need to talk about; then we gently pass on whatever bits of wisdom we have acquired through a life of trial and error.
I am passing this along because my own daughters remind me all the time of past “Daddy-Daughter dates” and let me know when it’s been too long since the last one. They are old enough now that I can already see that they will cherish those times far into adulthood. Moms, I don’t mean to leave you out, dates with your children are just as important and fulfilling to each of you.
A last bit of advice to the Dad we saw last Saturday, “I hope you have a bottle of that hair dye for men and clean your shotgun often; she is going to be a heartbreaker and you are going to need both!”
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

More Internet Safety

2008-02-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

Last week when I wrote about networking sites, a number of readers asked me to write on how to check your child’s email and networking sites.
· It is fairly easy for your child, or anyone else to have an email account you know nothing about; so as I pointed out last week, getting your child’s buy-in to the rules of computer use is a powerful tool. I urge you to resist the temptation to not allow computer use for a number of reasons, not least of which is the importance of using computers in modern education.
· Make sure you have a list of ALL the usernames and passwords of all the sites your child frequents. Check these sites often, to include checking the email they receive if you believe there is reason to do so.
· Consider starting your own page on any networking site of which your child wishes to become a member. Ensure they make you “a friend” on their page. This allows you to see whatever the internet public can see so you can keep tabs on them. You may connect with old friends or classmates yourself and it might also make you seem “cool” to your child, but don’t hold your breath.
· MySpace, for example, will remove a child’s page if the parent asks them to, however you must know the web address or the web ID number. You can do a by name search if your teen can’t/won’t help you.
· Ensure that your child knows how to “block” any MySpace/Yahoo/Facebook user that might harass or post inappropriate comments or email. Report any such activity to the provider of those services. Email and social network providers all take such activity very seriously and will respond to your concerns promptly.
· Check the web pages your child frequents by looking at the “history” in your web browser. Web browsers are programs such as Internet Explorer, Firefox and Safari. Again, if you find this difficult to figure out, your child or grandchild can help you the first few times.
The internet is an incredible information-sharing tool, but like most tools, the internet can be used to do great harm. Ignoring this tool in the information age is not a successful strategy for a child’s long-term success, as almost every job and function in society is tied to many others and they all have to share information. Children have to learn to negotiate the world they live in now, not the one their parents or grandparents were raised in and more to the point must prepare for their own future.
I believe a healthy dose of caution is always a good thing for a parent; however abject, unreasoned fear is as bad as a lack of caution. Children need parents to get up to speed on these issues and stay out front because the ability to share information quicker is only going to get more important in society and technology is only going to be more integrated into our lives.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Social Networking Sites

2008-02-25T12:17:00.000-08:00

Since beginning this column over a year ago, I have been fortunate enough to have several people per week talk to me about the topics I write about in a very complementary manner, but supportive or not, I always ask them provide feedback or suggest topics that would be helpful to them in their relationships. I appreciate every comment, positive or not. This week I talked to two sets of parents who wanted some suggestions on the networking sites such as MySpace, Facebook, and several others that have become so popular with teenagers and young adults.
These sites have become part middle/high school yearbook, part high tech pen pal, part continuation of the social aspect of the school day, and even a place for classmates to keep up with each other or rediscover each other after years apart. Participants can leave messages to friends, in private or in a public forum, and even post pictures and video. A person’s profile page can contain pictures, a general map showing where in the US the person lives, all the places they have travelled, their interests, hobbies, jobs and just about anything else you can imagine.
Employers, scholarship committees, universities, internships, even the Armed Services routinely look at an applicant’s page. This brings me to my first piece of advice, and it applies to everyone on networking sites: Do NOT post anything you wouldn’t proudly tell ANYONE in your life: grandma, your boss, your pastor/priest, or a perfect stranger. When you post to these sites, that post is on the Internet forever and everyone on the planet can view them. Along with this, check to see what your friends are posting about you and ask them to follow the “Grandma” rule when posting about you. Ok, adults you are now on your own.
I am lucky enough to be married to a technology teacher, so parents here are some things Dawn and I have learned with four kids with MySpace and Facebook pages.

Have an “open door policy.” Either the computer is in a public place like the living room; or if they have their own computer, the bedroom door is open if they are on the computer.
You should know the passwords to every email account and networking site they are on. Write them down and check them often. You may want to provide your child fair warning before logging in the first time, but let them know after the first time surprise inspections are the rule.
Check your kid’s pages often. If you are uneasy about reading a diary or going into their room uninvited, these pages are not the same- they are public knowledge. For what it is worth, my wife and I hold no such squeamishness.
Remind them often that the cute teenage boy/girl that is emailing or messaging them may be neither a boy/girl nor a teenager.
Finding something objectionable should not be a “gotcha” moment. It should be an opportunity for a discussion about the rules, and why the rules are what they are. As with all household rules, try as much as possible to negotiate and get your child’s “buy in” to the rules.

At the end of the day, YOU are the parent. You provided the computer, the internet access, the electricity and the place the computer sits. You are also responsible to keep your child safe and to protect their future until they decide their own path. These networking sites do not have to be a bad thing, so don’t fear them. They can be another tool for you the parent to have window in the life of your teenager, make good use of it.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

“Healthy Divorce”

2008-02-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago, I provided places where you could find help for a troubled marriage and I very much hope that if your marriage had too many of the symptoms I wrote of the first week of this series, then you used those resources to avoid needing the information in this column. A healthy marriage is far preferable to a healthy divorce no matter how “good,” so I urge you in the strongest of terms to keep your marriage strong. In the interest of honesty among friends, I was divorced about eight years ago and I remarried about five years ago. The divorce, while unwanted by me, was a healthy one. Michelle and I have stayed friends over the years, I am certain our kids are much healthier and well adjusted, and I think my marriage to Dawn has benefitted from the self-reflection and growth the divorce spawned.
A healthy divorce requires a lot of work to make happen as well as a maturity and deep desire to have a healthy divorce. You should be highly motivated to achieve a healthy divorce because as the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University shows, children from divorced homes have a much higher chance of divorce themselves and suffering into adulthood with all of the social problems we as parents try to help them avoid. Many of these problems are exacerbated in a very hostile, unhealthy divorce.
Divorcesource.com notes a number of other benefits to achieving a healthy divorce:
· You will alleviate and ease tensions and conflict.
· You will possess a far greater opportunity regarding compliance with the terms of your agreement.
· You will save thousands of dollars in legal expenses.
There are now three ways to divorce: the old adversarial process of each side getting lawyers and inflicting as much damage to each other as possible, mediation, and collaboration. The collaborative divorce is becoming much more common as couples realize the benefit to the entire family. Locally, Angela Marshall with the Marshall Law Office is an Idaho Supreme Court Approved mediator and she reports, “Couples can save up to 75 percent of their legal costs by using mediation. Attorneys in the area routinely charge a 3,000-dollar retainer for each party just to get started. Where mediation typically runs 1,000-1500 dollars. What’s more, mediation is usually more successful in getting both parties to abide by the agreements they make as opposed to the courts trying to compel behavior.”
While there are a number of books and internet sources that outline in detail how to have a healthy divorce, you and your spouse should give serious consideration to a marriage and family therapist to guide you through the process. Counseling is very helpful to move the entire family into the new paradigm post divorce. Children, if any, need to see their parents being civil to each other at all times, and parents should do whatever it takes to relieve the children of any guilt they may have over the divorce. Counseling has benefits to the couple as well, both healing in the current relationship and preparing for relationships in the future.
The best possible answer to this age-old question is to be a highly functioning person who finds and marries a highly functioning person, and then as a couple do the hard work and preventative maintenance of the relationship to keep the relationship healthy. The next best answer is to find a qualified marriage family therapist at the first sign of trouble to get the relationship back on an even keel. Failing these two best options, at a minimum, you owe it to yourself and any children from the relationship, to end your marriage with compassion, dignity, grace, and emotional health.

Teen Dating Violence

2008-02-09T21:47:00.000-08:00

On-Line Training and Blogginars

2008-01-31T20:25:00.000-08:00

It is very easy to sign up and the trainings are on a number of topics: Goal setting, Leadership, Parenting, and Romance
Paste this link in your browser: https://vec.webex.com Then in the "Search" box type "Mark Altman" and you will see all the upcoming trainings.
I look forward to seeing you all there! Please tell your friends.
Mark

Trouble in the Land of Eternal Bliss

2008-01-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

With the holiday season behind us, children in nearly year round activities and bad economic news the leading story every evening on TV, marriages today are under a great deal of stress. Compounding the problem are our expectations from marriage and our attitudes toward marriage. The availability of information can be both a challenge and an opportunity for marriages.
On the one hand, media messages remove the stigma associated with divorce and provide an overall attitude that if a person is unhappy in a relationship you end the relationship and find another; much the way one might replace a worn out toaster. On the other hand, the media provides more marital help than at any other time in our nation’s history. Advice improving our communication skills, information for abused and battered women, parenting tools, and of course the near constant attempts to improve our sex lives, just to name a few.
Because as of 2004, Idaho tied Alabama for the sixth highest divorce rate in the country; over the next three weeks, I will try to provide help for couples starting with recognizing when your relationship is in trouble, followed by resources to get that help, and then as a last resort how to plan for and carry out an amiable, healthy-as-possible, divorce. Before we start, let me say the most obvious sign your marriage is in trouble is if you are suffering emotional or physical abuse. In this case, get help immediately. The Women’s Center is available for help 24 hours a day at 208-664-9303; but if you don’t want to call them then talk to your Pastor, a friend, or your family. The bottom line if you are in an abusive relationship: get help and get out.
Other reasons to consider getting counseling help are:
If either of you has been unfaithful, your level of intimacy is low, or you are suspicious of your spouse.
If you don’t respect each other, teasing has become hurtful, you don’t fight fair, you bicker and snipe at each other constantly or you don’t have fun together any more.
If you can’t or don’t talk to each other about your problems, you are happier if your spouse is away, you find yourself withdrawing from each other, or you can’t seem to agree on goals and priorities.
An early indicator of abuse, before actual abuse starts is if a partner begins to isolate you from family and friends. This should prompt a call for help from one of the folks listed earlier.
Early recognition and treatment of a problem is always the easiest, cheapest and least painful way to solve a problem. This has been true since Ben Franklin admonished us, “A stitch in time saves nine,” to the modern observation, “Bad news doesn’t get better with age”.
Prior planning, commitment, hard work and constant communication are the best way I know of to keep a marriage healthy, but when these tools begin to breakdown, checking your pride at the door and getting some help to put your marriage back on firm footing is called for. You may have to communicate and compromise, change your behaviors, and engage in hard work but you just might save yourself the financial and emotional costs associated with divorce.

Give a Little, Get a Lot!

2008-01-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am happy to report we have had our two exchange students for one week now and things are going better than any of us have a right to expect. Andrew and Ellen have managed to adjust very quickly to their new surroundings, and with my youngest son Matthew to shepherd them through their school day they are doing well indeed.
I provide this progress report because it is my hope that more families will become host families; we are getting so much out of the experience. This is our first experience hosting foreign exchange students, but we certainly hope it is not our last. The very few hiccups we have had stemmed out of miscommunication due to language barriers, although both of our students speak English well and are very well behaved. Learning about a culture very different from ours has been a great learning experience for our family.
Exchange students are typically Juniors or Seniors in high school, however, our students are fourteen years old and in eighth grade. We have not found this to be a challenge, and while both come from happy homes neither have had homesickness. They have not been very picky eaters and have been open to trying new foods. There are a couple of restaurant chains here in America, that have opened in Korea that the kids are most anxious to try. Seeing places we take for granted through the eyes of someone who has never had the experience has been a real treat for all of us.
We are treating them as a part of our family; they help the kids with their chores, they follow the same rules our kids do with few exceptions, and of course, they are included in all family activities. While we all eat dinner together, and therefore we provide their meals, they were required to bring their own spending money for the times they are on school field trips for example. The students brought calling cards to call home and they email their families often.
Because the exchange program we’re currently part of was started by a couple of local, very hardworking volunteers, the children in this program all come from South Korea. However, if your family is interested in a particular area of the world, you may well be able to host someone from that area. Most families maintain close relationships with their exchange students for years after the student goes back home, even visiting each other again.
There are a number of organizations that run student exchange programs and the local High school counselors can provide you contact information to a reputable one. The students are screened by the placement agencies and usually arrive with fairly solid language skills, however one of the reasons they are here is to become more like native speakers. Most students stay for one year, however our students will unfortunately only be here for one month. My family would tell you that is eleven months too short.

Teaching Children about Politics

2008-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

As adults, one of our best opportunities to have our voice heard and consequently one of our greatest responsibilities as citizens is to cast a ballot when we are given the opportunity to do so. This is true whether you are voting for a candidate or expressing your opinion of a bond or social issue. Passing on the importance of this civic duty to your children is just as important.
This year we are fortunate to have our children watch us vote for our own national leaders while at the same time, we can juxtapose our political system against the troubled areas of the world such as several African nations, Iraq, and Afghanistan. We are also fortunate to show our children a historic Presidential election. We have taken a huge step toward true political equality to minorities and women, as we have a very viable female candidate, and a minority candidate that seems to be gaining momentum every day.
This new chapter in American history provides a fascinating backdrop for parents as we teach our younger citizens one of the safeguards to our freedoms is the educated participation of all our citizens in the political process. Families can do several things to nurture a lifelong interest in politics, governance and public policy in their children:
Do your best to understand our political processes and the political systems of other countries. You can’t accurately explain what you don’t know. Be fair when explaining positions you don’t agree with, it will bite your backside if you don’t.
Encourage polite, open, and honest debate; especially if your children disagree with you. Your willingness to listen just might convince them you will listen if they need to talk to you about something really important.
If you don’t know the answer to something don’t fake it. Kids have a BS detector as sensitive as my beagle’s nose begging from the kitchen table. Besides they will probably be given the right answer next week in school, so don’t knowingly undercut your credibility. Far better is to sit down together with a book or at the computer and look up the right answer.
Talk to your kids about how various public policies affect your family directly. Make sure your children know you vote in every election. If you know a service member, talking about their service immediately personalizes much of our foreign policy and opens doors to a chat about domestic policy.
Encourage them to write their political leaders with polite questions or comments, most will write back with an answer. Take them to a city council, school board meeting, or a political event.
Ask them their opinions; they may surprise you with their insight. If they disagree with you, don’t shoot them down; ask more questions, eventually they will figure out the “right answer” even if it isn’t your “right answer”.
Political growth is a process like mental and physical growth. You don’t get angry with your child for being only four feet tall; likewise, don’t be angry when they disagree with your position on Darfur or abortion. With your help, they will come to their own truth on these and other issues; but more important, they will be ready and willing to engage in the debate as knowledgeable adults and take their place as citizens.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. Mark has completed graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.

Reflections on the New Year

2008-01-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

“Though we cannot totally change our nature, we may in great measure correct it by reflection and philosophy. . .”- Philip Stanhope, British Statesman and Man of Letters
We have arrived at the end of another year. I hope that this year was as wonderful a year for you, full of growth and happiness, as it was for me. It is this time of year when we tend to assess the year behind us and reflect a bit on our hopes and aspirations for the year before us, for many this process is given a name, New Year’s Resolutions. At least I hope you will; I do, and I am encouraging you in the strongest terms to do so as well.
Without this reflection how do you expect to benefit from your mistakes and allow your blessings to buoy you when the seas get rough? You have purchased your experience with your failures, so use them! I am suggesting that you complete this reflection in a formal way, writing down the results so you can remember them and put a plan into action to capitalize upon them.
The challenge in successfully using a New Year’s Resolution to move you forward toward a goal in a meaningful way is in the planning stage. If you plan properly for success, you are much more likely to find success. Allow me to provide some suggestions to help you plan for success:
1. Spend an hour or two, a whole day if you can get it, by yourself in reflection. Ask yourself how the past year went, what could have gone better and what you most want for the New Year.
2. Write the results of your reflection down. Yes, write it down, it is very important to see it in front of you in stark black and white.
3. Begin to make a plan of how to get where your dreams and passions are leading you. You say you don’t have dreams or passions? The Swiss poet and philosopher Henri-Frederic Amiel instructs, “Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark.”
4. Write the plan down. Yes, for goodness sakes, writing it down is important. You will feel more committed and you will have something concrete to remind you of your commitment.
5. Show those who care for you, your New Year’s plan for success. For one thing they will help hold you accountable, for another they may know someone who can help you be successful.
6. Celebrate your successes, even the small ones. When you have a setback examine what went wrong and how you might fix it for the future and begin again.
7. Live life with passion! The German philosopher George Hegel asserted, “Nothing great has been and nothing great can be accomplished without passion.” It has been my experience that not only is Hegel correct, life is bland, colorless and wholly without purpose without some great passion.
I wish to send you into the New Year to reflect upon the words of Denis Diderot, the French philosopher, “Only passions, and great passions, can raise the soul to great things. Without them there is no sublimity, either in morals or in creativity. Art returns to infancy, and virtue becomes small- minded.” For 2008, I wish for you to live fully, laugh much, and love widely and often.
Tagline: Mark Altman is a speaker and leadership consultant with the Altman Leadership Center. He has graduate work in Marriage and Family Counseling and is working on a PhD in Leadership studies at Gonzaga University. He is happy to speak or provide a workshop for your organization and can be reached at mark@taolc.com.